6 ms·
I agree with another comment that you should demand to be paid, rather than ask. But just telling someone to say "Fuck you. Pay me." doesn't actually answer t
by wccrawford 4y ago
I agree with another comment that you should demand to be paid, rather than ask. But just telling someone to say "Fuck you. Pay me." doesn't actually answer the question.
If I were in that situation, and someone asked me to help with something that I didn't want to do for free, I'd tell them my rates.
"I need help setting up my WIFI. Can you help with that?"
"Sure. I charge $50/hr for tech work."
They're going to look shocked, upset, and probably angry. That's okay, because they were trying to use you and failed.
Then they're going to pull the, "I thought we were friends" or "You won't help a friend?" card. Tell them that you've got a lot going on in your life and are having to prioritize things. Tell them maintaining work-life balance has been hard, and you're trying to fix it because you've been overworking for quite a long time.
When all of that starts to make you feel guilty, ask yourself: "When was the last time they helped me with something they could do that I couldn't?" If the answer is "last week" or "a lot", maybe you should actually help them.
But when the answer is "I can't remember" or "never" (and it usually will be), you can just stop feeling guilty. They're just using you.
And it's okay to just say "No, sorry, I can't help with that." When people ask me to set up their wifi now, I just refuse. That's a huge pit of pain because they'll ask you back to help with every stupid thing they don't want to understand. I just flat refuse now for anyone other than very close friends and family. And I've got some family I'd tell "No", too.
- obituary_latte 4y agoThis is great advice. Also can help to deflect "so and so computer shop does a good job with that sort of thing" if you don't want the work/don't have time/etc.
- flying_colours 4y agoYESS! I'll deflect next time as well!! Hmmm the issue though is sometimes even I don't know who to ask. Most of my helps are like for software coding stuff
- nittanymount 4y agoone time, I got into similar situation to help others (not many as yours). I guess, there are two type of soft rejections you could do. "I don't know how to do it", or "I have no time recently". wonder if you feel bad if you say you don't know? no need to be keep an image of being a hero all time... :-)
- blooalien 4y ago> … "so and so computer shop does a good job with that sort of thing" … Even when running my own successful contract IT business, I used to do this sort of thing whenever I didn't feel like taking on a particular job. It also has the side benefit of if the advice you gave was good, then you've helped an ally in the industry (network building), and you've helped out a potential future customer. They'll remember that you're the one who sent them to the folks who solved their issue for them, especially if you sent them to someone who charges a fair price and does good work.
- paxys 4y ago> Then they're going to pull the, "I thought we were friends" or "You won't help a friend?" card A good way to handle this is to ask for some reciprocal payment that isn't cash. "Sure I can help you with WiFi, but could you review my tax filing for this year?" "Could you come paint my living room for me in exchange?" "Can I borrow your truck for a week?" They will start valuing these "small favors" a lot more when they are on the losing side.
- flying_colours 4y agoOh yes good point on the reciprocity points!!!
- foxes 4y agoIf they come back at you with "I thought we were friends" they are not friends. Not every exchange has to be a transaction. As long as it evens out over the long term you are not being used.
- Group_B 4y agoLouis Rossmann has a great video on this exact topic: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7yFFBBFqe-E https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7yFFBBFqe-E
- flying_colours 4y agoOh hey I watch his Youtube vids!!
- toss1 4y agoI can also point out that actual friends will put their own limits on trying to help. I had a very good friend and mentor who was incredibly knowledgable about mechanical engineering and motorsports. He was also competent with computers but not expert. I was often able to troubleshoot some issues and help setup good network, security, data management, but that only went on for so long until I heard him mention at random times that he had hired a computer tech for some task or other. He just spontaneously did it, no suggestions from me. And this despite him helping me a LOT in both my racecar and starting my biz. Similarly, a neighbor has a tractor that I borrowed a few times for yard work, but only a few times (and refilling the fuel and giving a house gift), after which I always rented one. Actual friends don't want to be "that guy" who always borrows stuff or asks favors. Also look at their response when you are done. If they aren't profusely saying "thank you" and often giving back something, e.g., dinner/gift card, some token of thanks, you should stop having time for them next time. If they stop being 'friends' if you don't have time in that instance, they never were.
- flying_colours 4y agoYee!! I have some "good" friends who truly value the stuff I've helped them with so I'm grateful to them!! Hope you're still friends with the motorspots guy :) He sounds like a good guy :)
- toss1 4y agoYup, right until the end - he passed away a few years ago (pre-COVID) - he was definitely a great guy; still miss him. Funny how a little appreciation and consideration goes a long way.
- flying_colours 4y agoOOOO ok ok I'll try asking upfront. The issue is when more complex stuff comes along - like say they wanted me to edit their company codebase etc. Yee I need to learn to refuse :( Oh well learning for me :(
- arroz 4y agoTheir company code base for free? Whaaaaat? Wannabe friends? Wink wink Yeah I like to help people too but only through talking / drawing / explaining Which is work too just that it is more chill I guess and I probably don’t do it as much as you
- hellisothers 4y agoI dunno about adding this transactional nature to personal relationships for personal requests. If a friend/family member asks for help setting up their personal WiFi at home and you don’t have the time just say you don’t have time and you’re trying to set boundaries. If the WiFi setup is for their business or you are a professional WiFi setter-upper then sure discuss a transaction because it’s business at that point. If a a friend/family member asked me for money to do a casual ask it would cause me to reassess our relationship. Suggesting reciprocity at the time of the ask is just as bad, it suggests there is no trust.
- sgt 4y agoOr suggest that you're busy and the only time you have is 7am on Saturday or even very late. That'll test the relationship