4 ms·

You're not wrong, but you're not right either. I am glad that at 44, I saw the dating scene before the advent of the apps. Apps change human interaction patter

You're not wrong, but you're not right either. I am glad that at 44, I saw the dating scene before the advent of the apps. Apps change human interaction patterns. The more is virtual dating normalized, the more will real-world flirt be seen as creepy and problematic. Not least because people won't have enough experience to flirt smoothly and because they will be afraid of being publicly shamed if something goes wrong. With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party, will destroy someone's life and brand them as creepy loser forever.

durnygbur 4y ago
> will be afraid of being publicly shamed if something goes wrong > With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party This struck me as well. Women share with each other and discuss the ongoing matches, chats, and meetings. Report to each other once they notice an acquaintance in the app. One message, one foul move and it escalates you into a creep, desperate, or pervert. I don't even try approaching in real life, women don't understand how it feels like to be laughed off or ghosted, and how it can turn a man into a psychopath.
- spywaregorilla 4y ago
  > This struck me as well. Women share with each other and discuss the ongoing matches, chats, and meetings. Report to each other once they notice an acquaintance in the app. And you don't? That's incredibly normal. Discussing people you've just met, especially if it's a shared connection. What's wrong is that it's not a giant amorphous network of women. It's just their local social circles like anyone else. There's no conspiracy. > how it can turn a men into a psychopath. ah yes, it is the women's fault
  - durnygbur 4y ago
    I don't have a circle of acquaintances to share these information and experiences with. I imagine we, men, are more competitive. Sharing would actually help the competition to take over as a gesture of dominance or simply to score as first. Is she a pervert or desperate? Well that's even better...
    - spywaregorilla 4y ago
      I'll be really blunt here. This has a ton of cognitive dissonance. It just doesn't make sense to be hoping for a partner to find you appealing when you don't have a circle of acquaintances, much less a circle of friends. The question is not why can't you find a partner, it's why haven't you started by making some friends? This is not a healthy thing, even if you're a guy. And it would suggest you're significantly lacking in social experience and practice, which is the foundational base for attracting a partner. Second, no, men are not so competitive that they're going to try and swoop in and steal your girl. Especially not your friends. Is that how you perceive yourself? Is it as something you would try to do given information from a friend? It reads as a big read flag. A lot of guys don't seem to understand social basics, and perceive attracting a girl as a purely mating / sexual attraction kind of dance. Hence the waves of idiots sending pictures of their penises. So many men seem to think they can almost hypnotize a woman with a projection of being a good provider mate and that's how you seal the deal. You have to start by being someone she would like to befriend.
- moistly 4y ago
  Damn, dude, you need a life skills coach and psychotherapy. It is literally crazy to make a statement like “women don't understand how it feels like to be laughed off or ghosted”, and saying “it can turn a man into a psychopath” is a claim only a psychopath would make. That you don’t even realize how bizarre your claims are, and that you’d say them out loud, is a big red warning sign. You bet your ass I’d tell any woman to stay away from you now: you seem to be dangerous. Edit: I just read your comment history. Your statements are not a red warning sign, they’re an ear-splitting air-raid klaxon with strobe lights. I fully expect you’ll make the news headlines one day.
  - durnygbur 4y ago
    meh
spywaregorilla 4y ago
> With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party, will destroy someone's life and brand them as creepy loser forever. I see this idea on HN all the time and I have no idea what it means. This is not a thing. How could it possibly be a thing? What scenario are you imagining exactly? Can you point to a single example?
- inglor_cz 4y ago
  "I see this idea on HN all the time and I have no idea what it means. This is not a thing. How could it possibly be a thing? What scenario are you imagining exactly? Can you point to a single example?" At least a quarter of all viral videos of the last 10 years are in the "hey, look at that incredible idiot" category, regardless of actual activity of said idiot. Driving, dancing, singing, acting, speaking, fighting, working with tools, cursing, having public meltdown etc. There are entire fora dedicated to "epic fails". I don't have either the time or even will to dig in the swamps of Dagobah that is the modern social network world, but flirting is just another activity some people suck in and it does not have any magic exception against shaming. I have definitely seen a lot of screenshots from dating app conversations going badly. Pre-smartphone world, "epic fails" were a strictly local and quickly forgotten phenomena, unless you were a high profile person (an important politician or sportsman like Eddie the Eagle or Maradona with his Hand of God). The technology has been a great equalizer and a single instance of bad/failed/dumb behavior can now dog you for life even if you are nobody.
  - spywaregorilla 4y ago
    Name one person though. Identify someone who's life is ruined. I will bet you cannot because these videos are neither memorable, nor did they reach such reach that they actually register with 1% of the population, nor do people really care about that time you did something dumb. It's neither common in reality, nor is it impactful at all.
    - inglor_cz 4y ago
      How can you know the impact? It is not easy to measure. Vetting a job candidate on the social networks is now a standard feature of the hiring process. If you get a "no", they won't tell you that you were dropped because of "that" video, or even that you were dropped because of something on the Internet. There is an enormous "fog of war" there. I had myself the "pleasure" of deciding whether to hire a person whose drunk photos from the bar were less than flattering. I decided to give him a chance, but in his case, he was a real alcoholic who could not be trusted with administration of a server. I can see other people being less tolerant and more CYA in their approach.
Ancalagon 4y ago
I don't disagree entirely with your sentiment either. But the solution is still the same. People need to stop virtualizing relationships. Apps, especially for dating, NEED to go. Probably shouting into the void here and pretty soon society will be a complete wreck of social dystopia once older generations pass away and nobody has had the complete social lifecycle. But damnit I can try!

durnygbur 4y ago

> will be afraid of being publicly shamed if something goes wrong > With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party This struck me as well. Women share with each other and discuss the ongoing matches, chats, and meetings. Report to each other once they notice an acquaintance in the app. One message, one foul move and it escalates you into a creep, desperate, or pervert. I don't even try approaching in real life, women don't understand how it feels like to be laughed off or ghosted, and how it can turn a man into a psychopath.

spywaregorilla 4y ago
> This struck me as well. Women share with each other and discuss the ongoing matches, chats, and meetings. Report to each other once they notice an acquaintance in the app. And you don't? That's incredibly normal. Discussing people you've just met, especially if it's a shared connection. What's wrong is that it's not a giant amorphous network of women. It's just their local social circles like anyone else. There's no conspiracy. > how it can turn a men into a psychopath. ah yes, it is the women's fault
- durnygbur 4y ago
  I don't have a circle of acquaintances to share these information and experiences with. I imagine we, men, are more competitive. Sharing would actually help the competition to take over as a gesture of dominance or simply to score as first. Is she a pervert or desperate? Well that's even better...
  - spywaregorilla 4y ago
    I'll be really blunt here. This has a ton of cognitive dissonance. It just doesn't make sense to be hoping for a partner to find you appealing when you don't have a circle of acquaintances, much less a circle of friends. The question is not why can't you find a partner, it's why haven't you started by making some friends? This is not a healthy thing, even if you're a guy. And it would suggest you're significantly lacking in social experience and practice, which is the foundational base for attracting a partner. Second, no, men are not so competitive that they're going to try and swoop in and steal your girl. Especially not your friends. Is that how you perceive yourself? Is it as something you would try to do given information from a friend? It reads as a big read flag. A lot of guys don't seem to understand social basics, and perceive attracting a girl as a purely mating / sexual attraction kind of dance. Hence the waves of idiots sending pictures of their penises. So many men seem to think they can almost hypnotize a woman with a projection of being a good provider mate and that's how you seal the deal. You have to start by being someone she would like to befriend.
moistly 4y ago
Damn, dude, you need a life skills coach and psychotherapy. It is literally crazy to make a statement like “women don't understand how it feels like to be laughed off or ghosted”, and saying “it can turn a man into a psychopath” is a claim only a psychopath would make. That you don’t even realize how bizarre your claims are, and that you’d say them out loud, is a big red warning sign. You bet your ass I’d tell any woman to stay away from you now: you seem to be dangerous. Edit: I just read your comment history. Your statements are not a red warning sign, they’re an ear-splitting air-raid klaxon with strobe lights. I fully expect you’ll make the news headlines one day.
- durnygbur 4y ago
  meh

spywaregorilla 4y ago

> With a smartphone in every hand, one badly thought out flirting attempt, recorded and shared by an unsympathetic party, will destroy someone's life and brand them as creepy loser forever. I see this idea on HN all the time and I have no idea what it means. This is not a thing. How could it possibly be a thing? What scenario are you imagining exactly? Can you point to a single example?

inglor_cz 4y ago
"I see this idea on HN all the time and I have no idea what it means. This is not a thing. How could it possibly be a thing? What scenario are you imagining exactly? Can you point to a single example?" At least a quarter of all viral videos of the last 10 years are in the "hey, look at that incredible idiot" category, regardless of actual activity of said idiot. Driving, dancing, singing, acting, speaking, fighting, working with tools, cursing, having public meltdown etc. There are entire fora dedicated to "epic fails". I don't have either the time or even will to dig in the swamps of Dagobah that is the modern social network world, but flirting is just another activity some people suck in and it does not have any magic exception against shaming. I have definitely seen a lot of screenshots from dating app conversations going badly. Pre-smartphone world, "epic fails" were a strictly local and quickly forgotten phenomena, unless you were a high profile person (an important politician or sportsman like Eddie the Eagle or Maradona with his Hand of God). The technology has been a great equalizer and a single instance of bad/failed/dumb behavior can now dog you for life even if you are nobody.
- spywaregorilla 4y ago
  Name one person though. Identify someone who's life is ruined. I will bet you cannot because these videos are neither memorable, nor did they reach such reach that they actually register with 1% of the population, nor do people really care about that time you did something dumb. It's neither common in reality, nor is it impactful at all.
  - inglor_cz 4y ago
    How can you know the impact? It is not easy to measure. Vetting a job candidate on the social networks is now a standard feature of the hiring process. If you get a "no", they won't tell you that you were dropped because of "that" video, or even that you were dropped because of something on the Internet. There is an enormous "fog of war" there. I had myself the "pleasure" of deciding whether to hire a person whose drunk photos from the bar were less than flattering. I decided to give him a chance, but in his case, he was a real alcoholic who could not be trusted with administration of a server. I can see other people being less tolerant and more CYA in their approach.

Ancalagon 4y ago

I don't disagree entirely with your sentiment either. But the solution is still the same. People need to stop virtualizing relationships. Apps, especially for dating, NEED to go. Probably shouting into the void here and pretty soon society will be a complete wreck of social dystopia once older generations pass away and nobody has had the complete social lifecycle. But damnit I can try!