24 ms·

Ask HN: I am lost in life. How do I fix this?

118 points by lostsoul26 4y ago

I am a software engineer who worked in big tech for about six years. I left my job earlier this year to start a sabbatical to decompress before I did stuff on my own. I generally had very good feedback while I worked but I think I solved harder problems when I was doing advanced physics or calculus in University. Over the last few weeks though I haven't been feeling very motivated. Doing something of my own sounds tough and finding a job just seems so much easier. There's some framework that exists and you purely have to execute. I have come to realize that for a very long time I haven't worked on hard problems consistently. Sure I have had spikes where I had to work hard and a lot but those spikes would die out after a few weeks. I was very competitive till the first few years at school and then it somehow dropped. I also feel that the reward mechanisms in my head have been short circuited. A high paying relatively easy tech job, doom scrolling on social media, getting food delivered in a few minutes and the easy supply of porn on the internet have made delayed gratification tough and have made instant gratification the default state. What sucks more is that ambition has now been replaced with envy. I see someone doing something like "getting a promotion" and I become envious and I wonder how do I do that / what am I doing but lack the will to execute. I am hoping(envy & big lack of ambition) this is just these last couple weeks and I snap out of it. 1. How do I fix this? Is this burnout or depression? 2. How do I get ambition back and get rid of the envy? 3. How do I retrain the delayed gratification & work on hard things muscle? I think I'll start going to the gym and lift weights.

sagarjs 4y ago
I have been feeling similarly lately. Sorry don’t have any solutions atm.
tomohawk 4y ago
This can help you think through things: https://www.selfauthoring.com/ https://www.selfauthoring.com/
- q-base 4y ago
  It looks interesting. Have you bought any of their courses and if so would you mind sharing your feedback?
  - sam1r 4y ago
    Pretty good reddit discussion here. https://www.reddit.com/r/JordanPeterson/comments/5qoe4d/selfauthoring_anyone_completed_this_program/ https://www.reddit.com/r/JordanPeterson/comments/5qoe4d/self... IMO, doesn't hurt to try at a fairly low price w.r.t with intended outcome. Additionally, there's a link with a free PDF/docx on the thread as well.
    - q-base 4y ago
      Thanks a lot for the thread. If there was a link to a PDF/docx document, then it seems to have been deleted. I am unable to find it at least.
- kingkongjaffa 4y ago
- netsharc 4y ago
  [flagged]
  - xupybd 4y ago
    The one area he is an expert in, is clinical psychology.so yeah don't look to him for climate change but maybe for self help.
    - netsharc 4y ago
      But he pretended to be an expert in climate change although what he said about it was full of shit, so how do I know he's not also full of shit in psychology? Since he's also generally a blowhard (at least in my view, which I'm aware is biased), I'd look carefully before learning from him.
ironmagma 4y ago
There are no easy answers or guarantees unfortunately. For ambition, I would suggest thinking hard about what you actually value. What do you think other people should be doing but aren’t? What is broken about the world to you? Also keep in mind money is merely information. It doesn’t make sense to be envious of information, all it is is society putting a price on how it measures the quality of your head. There are flaws both in that notion itself and in the process of measurement.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
tluyben2 4y ago
How about finding a (parttime) job again and doing a challenging side project? Maybe something you saw at your job that could be improved on/automated but was considered too hard/expensive? Lifting weights is generally a good plan and good for the mind.
patrickwalton 4y ago
In general, I strongly recommend finding a good therapist. It can take a few tries to find one that works for you, so don't give up if it takes awhile. To your specific questions, I've had some similar experiences and find that it's helpful to think in smaller terms. Find small things that interest you and explore them without threat or promise or waiting. Also follow the RAIN framework with feelings of envy: recognize, accept, investigate, nurture.
- lostsoul26 4y ago
  I am currently traveling as I take time off and therapists seem to have licenses that restrict them to state lines. I should look into this though. Perhaps staying at one place would help with sticking to a PT at the gym & a good therapist.
  - germinalphrase 4y ago
    If you’re US based, you should know that the pandemic allowed therapists to meet with clients remotely (previously insurance wouldn’t generally allow this). I strongly encourage you to do the work of establishing an on going relationship with a specific therapist.
    - lostsoul26 4y ago
      I had found a good therapist that I was seeing though LyraHealth but she would ask me every time if I was in her state as she wasn't licensed to be in the same state. I'll see if I can find something remote!
      - germinalphrase 4y ago
        Even if you’re traveling, do you have an address of residence? I imagine that would be adequate. Good luck!
digisign 4y ago
Sounds like you are taking some time off, that's good. Next, there's nothing better than a long hike to clear the mind. Would also cut myself off from most if not all of the internet/tv for a while to allow your own thoughts to return.
alpineidyll3 4y ago
- Going to the gym and generally keeping the focus on removing your own limits rather than the limits of our world is a great way to grow. People perceive limitations in the world, but really they are accepting their own limitations.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
codeyperson 4y ago
Perhaps you need to put some focus onto the non-work aspects of your life - hobbies, family, social life.
bfung 4y ago
Welcome to the beginning of a thinking human’s real life, not the extension of college dorm and class assignments! > How do I fix this? Is this burnout or depression? Probably a little bit of both. The bright side is that you’ve taken some time off and recognize this, whereas many people don’t recognize it! > 2. How do I get ambition back and get rid of the envy? 3. How do I retrain the delayed gratification & work on hard things muscle? I think I'll start going to the gym and lift weights. Since you have a bit of time, really figure out your own needs. 1. What’s important to you? Make a prioritized list of those. 2. What things would you be willing to give up over other things on that list? Ex: Health over money, money over health? Love over family (parents & siblings?) 3. Act on that list. Do it even if it’s hard. If you “regress”, your list probably isn’t aligned with your core values. It’s ok to say, for next 10 years, I’m going to make money that I’ll retire off of. Or maybe try to get a 6pack, see if you can “program your mind and body”. At the end of the day, it’s your life, think and do what you feel makes it worthwhile. There’s always something worthwhile ~ enjoy it cause those handed a worse hand have other people decide their life for them.
syntheweave 4y ago
Fitness is a good idea, but I would suggest specifically to try martial arts, particularly anything with grappling. Because that literalizes envy: you have to be face to armpit with someone who might be better than you, and it's not a video game or something where you kind of stay detached in your chair and dismiss it like every online troll: like, you can still make excuses like "well they're just stronger than me" some of the time, but sooner or later you face the guy who still smashes you despite being too small or too fat to be threatening on paper. And then you have to say "thank you" and go at it again, because if you're always causing a scene around your sparring partners and pulling risky shit you'll probably be kicked out. So there's an affordance of respect that you don't really see in other competitive spaces until you reach a very high level. Often the worst people in martial arts aren't really training, they just show up to a tournament thinking they can pull some kind of "gotcha", and while they do sometimes succeed in injuring someone, the system as a whole catches them quickly. And you're in a space right now where you are probably ready to try to take that on and seek maturity from it, without aiming to go compete or even make it a longer term journey. The point is to get in a space where you are confronted with losing and practical ways of dealing with it, and that's something that carries over easily to other activities and allows you to understand what you want out of them with some clarity and perspective.
MissionInfl 4y ago
You're not alone, your story is similar to mine. I was feeling the same as you last summer and also quit my big tech job. I tried my own thing for two months and realized more work wasn't the solution. I ended up moving out of NYC into my hometown, getting a remote job, and picking up some new hobbies like golf and tennis. I feel better but still haven't fixed everything. It will take time.
georgia_peach 4y ago
It's hard to go sober when the internet can turn any computer with a browser into the liquor store. I find that I'm a lot more productive in embedded RS-232 land--not needing a browser open, enticing me with its time-wasters.
- tryauuum 4y ago
  another solution is to move to Russia, where it's not allowed to sell liquor online. Though obviously, it's not a good time to live in Russia
  - georgia_peach 4y ago
    You're talking porn. I'm talking procrastination fuel in general--this site being one of the slower-burning varieties.
hotb33 4y ago
I’d suggest a personal trainer so you can start pumping iron. Get some muscle on you and good things will follow.
michepriest 4y ago
1. Rest Move (gym and weights yes! also anything physical you liked doing as a kid) Breathe - learn to meditate. There are tons of methods. Find the one that's right for you 2. Express gratitude - openly and with journaling Focus on being a better you tomorrow than you are today. Define "better" in a healthy and meaningful way 3. Do a digital detox for 3 weeks. Read a book. In your first sitting read for as long as you can. Then add a page a day or a couple of pages a week. Meditation Learn to cook one meal better than anything you could get at a restaurant.
jmcgough 4y ago
Having a break between jobs to analyze things can be really helpful. I don't know the details of your life, but I'd really recommend getting a therapist - a good one is worth their weight in goal. Working out is great - find something you enjoy doing for fitness or get a trainer. Honestly, I found regular breaks from the internet to be really helpful. Intentionally shutting things off to keep me from doom-scrolling for an hour when I wake up in the morning, and reaching for a book instead has helped my focus and mood.
deleted 4y ago
[deleted]
barrysteve 4y ago
Porn dulls people. It dulls the personality, the soul and relating to people. Your innate drive for a better romantic partner is being replaced with porn. The dull emptiness could be a space for envy to grow in you.
- _8j50 4y ago
  +1 (but that isn't a solution)
- jstx1 4y ago
  There's very little evidence for this. It's mostly unhealthy online communities (like some reddit subs) full of people that: A. watch porn B. have lives they don't like And falsely assume that A causes B.
  - randomtwiddler 4y ago
    There is a lot of money in porn. A lot of motivation to attempt to carve out an innocent seeming narrative. I was addicted to porn for decades. I didn't always look or watch it but it was tied to lust which I fed and fed. Crawling out of the deep dark pit was hard, really hard. Probably the hardest thing I've ever done. I had a supportive spouse that supported me and helped me, which was a big help. I'm now free over 6 years and have a pretty good view. Only after I had loosed the last few hooks in my soul did I begin to see what my life was missing. How it had contributed to my shame, hollow worthlessness, and straight up selfishness. How my "love" for my spouse was a pitiful thing that finally bloomed into something real. You don't need a study too see the effects, just one person who's walked the path can tell you what they were and what's different. People who are addicted can't see what they are missing as they usually got involved so young they don't remember not feeling that way. Often they know our at least feel that something is wrong. But they can't really see the whole of it either without the real perspective of the other side. Ignore your fellows ringing the warning bells at your peril.
    - mbrodersen 4y ago
      There is a lot of money in Alcohol as well. However some people get addicted to it (“Alcoholics”). There is also a lot of money in gambling, cigarettes etc. etc. Same story.
Anon10029451830 4y ago
Reading this reminded me of myself so here's what I did (not a doctor so keep in mind that this may or may not apply to you): A) Kick porn out of your life, B) Seek a good psychiatrist or psychotherapist. A) is, imo, most certainly something that you need to get rid, it's way too damaging and you initially don't notice this until many years into it. And yes, it can become an addiction. I'd also consider C) looking for professional diagnostics targeted at ADHD.
tompark 4y ago
I know exactly what you are talking about. Before I say any further, how about if you listen to a story from Ian Cheng, a successful artist, who talks about how he got out of this same situation. It's the 2 min 15 sec starting at 8m30s (transcript below): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRHJkKTt0mY#t=8m30s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRHJkKTt0mY#t=8m30s > After I graduated Berkeley as an undergrad in 2006 I worked at Industrial Light and Magic for about a year and a half. I met so many amazing, super talented, literally genius people there, but after a year at ILM, where they were doing movies like _Transformers_ and _Pirates of the Caribbean_, and doing all kinds of innovative motion capture research and simulation research, I found I was meeting too many people who were there since _Return of the Jedi_, who still wanted to make their feature film or wanted to make a sculpture, and that the creative burden of being at such a creative place took something out of them. > I made a very seemingly irrational decision at the time -- it seems rational now -- that I really wanted to find a way to choose *my own problems*. And so I moved to New York - I went to Columbia for grad school - and for those of you who are in grad school here, I can tell you now that I didn't do *anything* in grad school. I was totally lost, I checked my email for two years. I didn't make anything and there were people who were making prolific amounts of work -- so much work that it filled the hallways, I couldn't get into my own studio. My studio at Columbia had black mold in it, so I was kinda getting drowsy all the time. > It was only afterwards where I encountered a second set of mentors - I started working for two artists, one called Paul Chan, another called Pierre Huyghe, who both -- besides me -- really loving their work, I really learned what it felt like to live and be an artist, because I was around them so often and I really understood their "metabolism" -- that sounds weird -- but I understood, like, when they ate, when they exercised, how they needed the time in the morning to be away from people, that that was a really fertile time to make creative decisions. And I came to admire how they structured their time and their day. This became a real cornerstone and model for me for figuring out how it is I would want to make work myself. There are a few super interesting points about this story, but the bit we're focusing on now is that he was able to internalize a self-driven "artist's schedule" by working for other artists who were doing the same sort of thing that he wanted to do. I'm not suggesting that you necessarily find a mentor and imitate their schedule -- that's just cargo culting -- but that you have to find a way to internalize what they do. You mention that a job provides a "framework that exists and you purely have to execute". And that is exactly what we're talking about here but for personal work not a job. It's a common message -- see Twyla Tharp's "The Creative Habit" or Stephen King's "On Writing" or even Steven Pressfield's "The War of Art" -- a personal work routine provides the framework. However, even when I understood this consciously, for a long time I didn't have enough exemplars to internalize it. Eventually what did the trick were other routines that I had been able to incorporate into my life: writing in a journal, cooking, and daily training for long-distance treks. Every time I had a question, I just had to look at those examples for analogous answers. There were other steps involved too. Feel free to email me (contact info in profile) and/or read other comments I've made on similar AskHN posts.
arran-nz 4y ago
I highly recommend to start frequently exercising - Build discipline and initiate a heartbeat to act as a foundation for future habits. I'm following a routine called Stronglifts 5x5[0] and it's dead simple, but yet incredibly fun and easy to gamify - You're progressively adding weight and seeing results almost immediately. I use an open source app called Track and Graph[1] to track, and you guessed it.. graph my results - It's a rewarding feedback loop! [0]: https://stronglifts.com/ https://stronglifts.com/ [1]: https://f-droid.org/en/packages/com.samco.trackandgraph/ https://f-droid.org/en/packages/com.samco.trackandgraph/
- fantasticshower 4y ago
  Starting Strength is the precursor to StrongLifts and Mark Rippetoe has a book by the same name filled with a lot more details about the mechanics of the major exercises. Their YouTube channel is great too. I tried Strong Lifts years ago but gave up due to hurting myself when things got heavier. Starting Strength seems better so far.
- psbp 4y ago
  Weightlifting has definitely helped me. There's something very simple about the progress (but incredibly complex when you really get into it), and it helps that your whole body just starts feeling better. One tip I have is to make sure you can activate your core before starting stronglifts. Practice breathing into your stomach and bracing, laying flat on your back and lifting your legs up while engaging your core, etc. By learning how to engage your core properly, you'll avoid injury early on.
- mbrodersen 4y ago
  I highly recommend “Body by Science”. It’s a great way to build muscle without spending all your time in the gym. It works great for me.
jeffrallen 4y ago
I read "What Should I Do With My Life" and also used the Strengths Finder system, both of which confirmed things I knew about myself and have me the evidence I needed to make a radical change. Good luck.
burntoutfire 4y ago
> I generally had very good feedback while I worked but I think I solved harder problems when I was doing advanced physics or calculus in University. It's standard feeling among many engineers (even more so among non-software engs.). I think it can be remedied to a point - in FAANGS, you can find teams working on very hard things built from first principles (such as no-sql databases). The day-to-day is still filled with a lot of BS and boring work though, and is never going to be as fun as studying maths or physics on your own from a textbook. Such is life. If you want to do interesting things all the time, you need to live your life in a radical way, as the standard path in our culture definitely is not optimized for that. It's much easier and probably wiser to just accept the status quo.
lostsoul26 4y ago
OP Here: Had edited out a few things (don't know why), that I thought I'd add again in case others can identify with this While in School I was easily impressed by startups and there missions but I find it tough to get impressed now. Stuff short of getting humans on Mars or extending our biological lifetimes (longevity). It's tougher to find jobs in these fields, achieve what ones set out to do or make SaaS / consumer tech money. Someone suggested doing an exercise on values, will do this. Learning has generally become difficult since School - I think this comes from the broken reward circuit & inability to focus. I suppose working on meditation, physical health, detoxing from my phone and just exercising the learning muscle should help.
Tsiklon 4y ago
I can’t answer all of your questions, but I can relay my own experience of similar thoughts and feelings. I find from my experience that happiness and satisfaction, sadness and envy rises and falls in peaks and troughs. I too am prone to focussing on the negativity of my experience, but I realise it leaves me detached from everyone close to me, forgetting why it is I live and work. It’s very easy to wall one’s self in, to become narrow in focus on the things you have, what you want to have and what you’re doing. It’s worth considering broadening your worldview or perspective. Take a step back and look at the life you’ve built, as you said yourself - you’re in a high paying job where you’re not so frequently challenged. You are fortunate and even if you do not see it you have opportunity to shape things to your needs. You can challenge yourself in your free time. Your work doesn’t have to be your whole life. Outside of your work do you have other hobbies? Do you know people who work in a different field? Or perhaps come from a different culture? From this differing perspective comes a better view of your own life. Different things work for different people. Some find inner joy in creating art, writing, music, cooking. For others it’s experiencing nature, and physical exertion. If you’re more gregarious, taking up a new language, and speaking to others from a different country. I channel my negativity towards writing, offline, physically in a notebook, I enjoy intense music and I’m learning the basics of how to use a physical synthesiser/sequencer. Quite by chance I met someone through a friend and at spontaneously at their invite I went to Portugal from the UK to meet them again in person. The break from my life has been tremendously valuable and it was even better being able to share it with someone I care about
lcuff 4y ago
Asking on Hacker News about your psychological problems is better than ignoring them, so yay. But given the picture you paint, I'd advise you to get in-person help of some sort. I'm not a big fan of low cost counseling: most places it's done by interns, who are beginners. If you have access to good counseling, via insurance or ability to pay out of pocket, I'd start there. So often, we are blinded by what we can't see in ourselves, which makes it very difficult to get unstuck via typical self-help books. Another thing to consider: There are all sorts of high-powered processes designed to help you change direction in life, but whether these are suitable for you personally is something only you can know. (Examples include Tony Robbins workshops, The Landmark Forum, the Hoffman Quadrinity process.) Some folks will opine that these are scams (and they certainly don't work for everyone) and others will say they've found them very helpful, if sometimes extremely pricey. YMMV.
erddfre3423 4y ago
I would recommend trying to find a hobby that involves traditional physical activity outdoors, away from screens. It's easy to sway away from doom scrolling, porn, food deliveries when you're trekking outdoors, working in your forest / garden / greenhouse / field or whatever, or maybe repairing your house. Just leave your phone indoors (or even further away) and that's it, now you suddenly have no options to gain instant gratification, and have something fulfilling to do outdoors. I also recommend books 'Deep Work' and 'Atomic Habits' if you struggle with staying away from instant gratification. We humans tend to follow the path of least resistance, which means you should make instant gratification as difficult as possible compared to more useful tasks.
throwaway378037 4y ago
Going through something similar. Recommend the writing and podcasts of Cal Newport specifically around passion and purpose.
Huxley2022 4y ago
- simonh 4y ago
  The fact is this is not how life is for many, many people. A lot of us go through phases like this, I have, but we move on. For me, the way to stop thinking of my life as a burden was through service to other people. It gave my life value, grew my self respect and made me into a person another human being could grow to value and love. You can do this by first cleaning up you own life so you're not a burden to others, then by taking on responsibilities. Help and support your family if you have one, volunteer or participate in clubs or activities actively, take more responsibility at work by supporting your team and doing the jobs nobody else wants to do. The one thing we're all responsible for that we can't blame on anyone is our attitude. Even in the worst circumstances how you choose to respond to it is up to you and nobody else. Start small with easy choices. Clean your apartment, take out the trash, wear clean clothes, do a bit of exercise, get a haircut, phone your mother or a loved one or friend, and work up from there.
  - Huxley2022 4y ago
    I'm glad it worked out for you! But can you honestly tell me that, e.g., cleaning your apartment is not a burdensome chore? Does the thought that you will do it all over again after a week bring you joy?
xupybd 4y ago
For number 3 could you get away from civilization for a couple of weeks? Totally out of the reach of instant gratification. Give your brain a bit of a reset.
thiago_fm 4y ago
You are looking for the wrong answers, looking at your questions. Please don't take my comments too harshly. I'm just trying to help, but some things you said just don't add up. 1. How do I fix this? Is this burnout or depression? This is adulthood and you need to get a life beyond your job. Find hobbies, meet people etc. Learn to cook and do things yourself. I would never befriend somebody that just order foods, works and waste their time in social media. Also visit a therapist. You need it very badly. Do it before you waste all your life not even knowing what you want. 2. How do I get ambition back and get rid of the envy? Why do you need even more ambition? 3. How do I retrain the delayed gratification & work on hard things muscle? I think I'll start going to the gym and lift weights. Don't buy this Jordan Peterson or Youtube motivation crap. You are thinking of that solution because you spend a lot of time in social media. It is all a lie. Yes, you should exercise regularly, but there are at least thousands of sports. Why do the one that is the most efficient on improving your looks, rather than having some good mobility and agility? Or learn to swim properly? And the list goes on. That's just you trying to be more and more competitive. You'll just waste your whole life on self-improvement. Find something that isn't about winning or growing bigger. Look for a psychologist, you look very lost.
- UmbertoNoEco 4y ago
  You come across as very judgemental with no empathy whatsoever.
drclau 4y ago
There are already many good advices in this thread, so instead of writing another one, I’ll suggest a podcast that has plenty of useful information related to your situation: Huberman Lab [0]. Skim through the episodes’ titles and descriptions to get an idea of what it offers. [0]: https://hubermanlab.com/ https://hubermanlab.com/
- lordex 4y ago
  humberman is awesome. his video about dopamine quite significantly changed my life and the way I look at my habits/vices/addictions. Can't recommend him enough
- q-base 4y ago
  Looking through the episodes it looks like "generic pop-science" health advice, like what you find on Tim Ferriss or Joe Rogan. Does he have something substantial to bring to the table and am I missing something by writing him off based on the way he markets his podcasts?
sph 4y ago
All the things you mention in your post have resonated with me for all my life, and during a 6-month long sabbatical due to burnout, my motivation had tanked even further and I felt I was constantly seeking rewards, and "dopamine spikes". I had no energy for anything whatsoever. The worst days I felt like a zombie moving from one pleasure to another. I came to understand that having responsibilities and pressure dragged me along and made me a productive and even successful member of society, but by myself I was completely lost with no direction nor energy, on a downward spiral. Thankfully at the time I was seeing a therapist, she suggested I might have untreated ADHD, got diagnosed and my life _literally_ changed over the next 2 months. I've recently told my therapist I'm pretty sure my life long depression is in remission. -- Do you feel there's an infinite abyss inside of you that needs more and more stimulation yet nothing seems to satisfy it? Do you feel that focus and motivation is totally outside your control? Do you wake up every morning, unsure if today is going to be a good productive day or with no energy to do anything except ingest food/porn/video games/social media? Do you feel that you "just need to try harder" even though it's been decades of managing a debilitating mood disturbance? If all of that resonates with you, consider getting an ADHD diagnosis. If it is, know that mainstream ADHD treatment is _extremely_ effective.
- mupuff1234 4y ago
  What is the mainstream ADHD treatment?
  - sph 4y ago
    Stimulants. Amphetamine and methylphenidate mostly. Paired with learning new, healthier habits now that your brain chemicals are in the right place. It's taken me a week of taking Vyvanse (lisdexamfetamine) to have the first week of consistent and stable mood of my 35 years on this Earth. It's now two months, and for the first time I feel my life is trending upwards. Every day I go to bed feeling I've made progress over the day before.
    - johnnymorgan 4y ago
      That's because you are fucking high bro all the time. Try CBD, get off the meth it doesn't help in the long run. You are robbing Peter to pay Paul. Also diminishing returns on these drugs, while it works now it won't forever and you'll end up like an old math professor that used stims to compete.
UmbertoNoEco 4y ago
Go to a professional. Half of the people here are clueless and the other half want to one's up each other till the end of times. You dont need that.
- Trasmatta 4y ago
  Yeah, scrolling through this thread, there's a lot of really bad advice...
KarmicLaw 4y ago
you have some time to yourself now, which is extremely rare these days. eventually you will need money again, so i recommend taking advantage of this time and visiting dhamma.org to find a retreat near you. it is entirely free, including room and board.
nowherebeen 4y ago
It’s basically by design. Software engineers have been gamified. You get promotions and high paid to deter you from ever venturing out. Who would? Life is easy. Once you have eaten the golden syrup, it’s hard to stop. Greed.
beaker52 4y ago
It's easy to get stuck in a cycle of pleasure seeking. The only way to escape is to break the cycle and learn to say no to yourself. If you're anything like me it's hard. Very hard. If you're like me, your mind will come up with fantastical ways to stop you from getting in the way of it's pleasure seeking and difficulty aversion tendancies. For example, I went on a meditation retreat and my mind spent the whole time convincing I was going to die and should leave. Meditation is a good way to first witness the power and control your mind has over you, and then to renegotiate the relationship between your wanting and rejecting mind, and you - and ultimately what you _really_ want from your life. Discipline is the answer. That involves saying no and doing difficult things, like learning to cook, and getting out of bed to sit in silence for an hour, or putting your phone down and doing what you should be doing.
shaman1 4y ago
1. Remove porn from your life. Use opendns to block websites and try to practice abstinence. It will take months/years but doable. Check Universal Man yt channel: https://m.youtube.com/channel/UC6gyVlwXwtqkn4KLjx3nDHg https://m.youtube.com/channel/UC6gyVlwXwtqkn4KLjx3nDHg 2. Envy and other mind traps can be cured with having the right mindset. Look into stoicism 3. It's all about building habits and routine. You are your habits Although controversial, Jordan Peterson's advice helped me when I was in a similar stage as you. Look to form relationships and focus on something meaningful, the bad habits will disappear as you won't have time for them. Good luck
t0bia_s 4y ago
Build a family and rise kids. You won't have time for bs*its.
Namari 4y ago
If you're in a position where you can quit/take few months off, Do It. Use that time to travel (backpacking is easier), try countries that are completly different from your own culture, South/Central America and South East Asia are great for that. This will make you understand yourself better, especially when noone you know is around you judging you. Don't be the person that is scared to travel by itself, if you're always with people you'll never know yourself and right now you need some time to think about your life. Keep in mind traveling by yourself give you more opportunity to meet people and get closer to the culture, moreover if you go to Hostel you'll meet many people doing the same and you can tag along. A change in environment is what you need to change all your Toxic Routine habits you're stuck into. Let's assume you do a 2 weeks trek to Everest Base Camp (super easy), you'll sure won't care about any IT crap and you'll be damn right, this may help you realise life is about doing the things you like, work to live and not the opposite. If you're in no position to travel, try to get out of your confort zone, break your routine.
- madmax108 4y ago
  This. So much this. It's natural human tendency (and quite paradoxical tbh) to have the comfort of a routine also be the root cause of so much pain, feelings of being stuck in a "rut", and general sense of "is this what the rest of my life is" And I always tell folks that if you can afford to take a few weeks/months off, do take it out and travel. It doesn't need to be a fancy, expensive vacation to the other side of the globe. But as long as it's forcing you into an environment that is unfamiliar, where things like food, culture and even basic human interactions are so different to what you are familiar with, you'll realise how quickly your energies get replenished and the problems/envy/lack of ambition will all start feeling small in the rear view mirror. As the saying goes, it's just a bad day, not a bad life. :)
  - Namari 4y ago
    Exactly! The problem is people are scared to leave their confort zone while it's what will make them happier, it's kind of ironic. I didn't know that saying and it's pretty accurate! People always say some are "lucky" to go travelling, while in reality "Luck" is at everyone's reach but they just don't have the courage and motivation to do it.
bojangleslover 4y ago
I cringe at saying this but honestly I have seen firsthand several friends like you get better from lifting weights
rurtrack 4y ago
I've been thinking that "validation" is poison for us programmers. It either comes in excess from non-tech people, so we discard it. Or it comes from a peer, that will probably not be validation and more critical feedback, which tastes wildly different
mettamage 4y ago
> but I think I solved harder problems when I was doing advanced physics or calculus in University. Same feeling (with computer science, especially security related) > I am hoping(envy & big lack of ambition) this is just these last couple weeks and I snap out of it. I am European. I'm envious on anyone who even had the chance to interview for a US company. I once got invited by Google and then they emailed me with that I couldn't interview because I wasn't American. Anywho, how to suppress such envy? In my case: I work 4 days per week and live life right now. While I "only" earn 3000 euro's net (between quotes because there are people earning half), it is way more than I actually need. And I only need to work 4 days for it! Also, 4 days working is accepted in the culture I'm in. Moreover, I can work remote for months on end (in Europe), or I can go to the office. I'm planning a Euro trip real soon. Every evening is going to be awesome since I have the ability to travel wherever I want to be. If I can't make money, then I'm just going to do what I wanted to do when I have a lot of money. I'm going to live life. That's how I suppress all that envy :)
wespiser_2018 4y ago
Do something to break your routine. Start going to the gym and lifting weights on a linear progression scheme, travel, that sort of thing. I'd also recommend reading Marcus Aurelius, Mediations. Sometimes you cannot make a change to your schedule or whatever, but just have to deal with things in place. Marcus was an emperor with absolute power over the largest society (to date), but fond great solace not in instant gratification but in hard work. Right now I have a puppy, 8 months, and he gets me out of the house for about 2-3 hours everyday. I'm not saying get a dog, that's a life changing decision you cannot back away from without consequence, but find something you like or want to learn about, and do it every day. Maybe it's a destination vacation to visit ancient ritual sites in the Southern US, I don't know, but just make it something that's piques your interest and you can pour your self into. You have money, you have time: use these to your advantage. Otherwise, tech can eat you alive. Working in the industry is not a program for a balanced life. It's just a job, and even if you're passionate about it, your job will still burn you out if you let it.
johnnymorgan 4y ago
Lifting is a great start, I recommend strong lifts 5x5 as it's super simple and calibrates to you. As for the rest, it's both burnout and boredom. I hit the wall with my career ages ago and have mostly been going through the motions. It's just not hard or interesting anymore, so I'm working on a pivot.
tru3_power 4y ago
For me at-least the burst of hyper motivation/ambition come cyclical - I describe my life as phases of cocooning or butterflying. What you’re looking at right now is the ending of a butterfly phase and beginning of the cocooning phase. To get back into it- think about the things you’ve put off while riding this latest high. You’ve already admitted you’ve gotten lazy with instant gratification so that’s a good start. One thing I’ll say about the gym is it might be harder to start working out again now that you’re older, but now that you’ve been through a fruitful butterfly phase you can pay for a good personal trainer to keep you on track. Good luck my friend- from one butterfly transitioning to a cocoon to another! Edit: The proper term is chrysalis and not cocoon.
miltondts 4y ago
I did something like you. I also faced many of your issues and to solve it, I was also super focused on me, me, me. Trying to be better, more motivated, healthier, more exercise, better sleep etc etc. Now that I know myself better, I realize I need to be integrated in a community with similar objectives, even when doing individual work. Otherwise, creative and/or research work is too demanding. However, everyone is different.
- abrichr 4y ago
  > I realize I need to be integrated in a community with similar objectives How do you find such a community?
  - miltondts 4y ago
    Depends on the community. For research, check your local university. You can ask around in relevant departments. Don't be afraid, some researchers are more than happy to collaborate.
0daystock 4y ago
Cut social media, caffeine, dairy and other processed junk from your diet. Get lots of rest, drink water and dedicate at least 15 minutes daily to meditation. Worship your family and take care of your friends. Don't over-complicate solutions to ancient and common human problems.
lolive 4y ago
Can speak only for myself. But i got a lot of joy learning to dance rock and west coast swing. Also learning the mathematical basis of music, and then applying it by learning an instrument. The funny thing is that when I reach a reasonable level at something, I usually want to try something else. So what I really enjoy is the learning process. What will be next? Who knows? May be sports? [Ah ah, no thanks...]
- lolive 4y ago
  Oh! And having kids was the opportunity to learn cooking. Which is really a world by itself.
yboris 4y ago
I found a tremendous amount of gratification from joining Effective Altruism - a movement of people working on doing as much good in the world as they can (through careers, charitable donations to cost-effective charities, etc). Specifically, I joined Giving What We Can, an international society of people (now in the thousands) who give at least 10% of their income to cost-effective charities. https://www.givingwhatwecan.org/ https://www.givingwhatwecan.org/ This experience cemented in me the realization of how lucky I am to be so well off in a world of tremendous inequity. And helping others (effectively -- knowing that my contributions are doing a tremendous amount of good) is arguably one of the best things in life. https://www.effectivealtruism.org/ https://www.effectivealtruism.org/ If your career isn't satisfying, it may be because you don't see it as helping anyone. Consider a high-impact career (see 80,000 Hours) https://80000hours.org/ https://80000hours.org/ As for delayed gratification, a book may be a good fit - you can pace yourself (set goals of reading for X minutes without getting distracted) and build up that skill of focus. Find a genre you like; for me, high school has spoiled interest in books, until I realized nonfiction is a better fit for me, and that there are amazing fiction books as well. Best wishes; and I'll be happy to comment more.
- zoom6628 4y ago
  Do good for others. Not much meaning in serving yourself although do learn to be wisely Selfish. Use what you know to help others. Get out and physically hep others. Start easy say help old person across the road, feed a stray, but a Starbucks for random stranger. Whatever works for you but meaning comes from having a purpose. Only you can find that but try anything you can and something will click for you. At worst being in tech you can probably get paid well enough to regularly donate to help those less fortunate.
goodpoint 4y ago
Telling a depressed person to exercise is like telling a deaf person to enjoy some music. Please stay away from this garbage advice and seek a good therapist.
wesapien 4y ago
If you are lost, maybe you should evaluate where you are in life relative to other people. There are all sorts of levels to life and this exercise might provide a sobering effect. Everyone has challenges in one way or another but some are truly in a worse position. This might lead you to being a little bit more grateful and that you easily overcome these problems.
the-anarchist 4y ago
You probably shouldn't listen to any advice given on here, since 99.9% of people on this platforms are as much of a fragile snowflake as you're portraying yourself in this post. Go live your best life and make something out of it. You feel you're stuck in some situation? Get out of it, leave your safe harbor and explore something new. You have probably earned enough money for the past six years in order to be financially stable and you have likely filled the empty void that is your life with fancy bs that ultimately won't make you happy. This is neither burnout nor depression, this is boredom. Want to get ambition back? Put your body into survival mode, do something new that terrifies you. Change what you do for living or start your own company. Move to a different country. Take on an adventure. The accomplishment from that will be much more rewarding than anything the armchair shrinks on here (including myself that is) could come up with.
- mbrodersen 4y ago
  Speak for yourself buddy. Claiming that 99.9% of people reading HN are “fragile snowflakes” is a laughable assertion.
aristofun 4y ago
Did you try some challenging hobby like mount climbing or martial arts?

mbrodersen 4y ago

There is zero evidence for this. The same way that there is zero evidence that playing “violent” computer games turn people into serial killers. Most “known” truths talked about in the media is 100% pure BS.

barrysteve 4y ago
Psychology and the Spanish Inquisition share a flaw. They both cannot truly tell you the contents of a man's soul. Didn't stop the psychologists and inquisitors from trying though. What kind of evidence would satisfy you?
- mbrodersen 4y ago
  Statistics show that youth violence decreased after video games became popular. That’s the kind of evidence that satisfies me. How about you? What would convince you that you are wrong? I have read research showing that porn actually saves marriages and reduce sex crimes. Basically because it delivers a safe way for people to satisfy their dark desires. I unfortunately don’t have links readily available to add here (didn’t expect to need it). But perhaps do a bit of research yourself and you might be surprised.
  - barrysteve 4y ago
    A reduction of desire is exactly the dulling of the soul we mean. This guy is losing motivation to find a better partner and you show statistics which support that very idea?? Porn does not satisfy, as you can tell by the OP's discontent in life. It dulls like anethesia. I can't provide satisfactory evidence, nobody can. The internal state of somebody's soul is not measurable and has to be estimated from context.
    - deterministic 4y ago
      You absolutely can measure, to some degree, the internal state of somebody’s brain (what you call “Soul”). Is the person happy or trying to commit suicide? Now there is one very rough measure of somebody’s internal brain state. Is the person constantly punishing him/herself? Now there is another. Is the person a sociopath? Another one. The last one can even be measure using a brain scanner. No need for human interpretation there. I assume you are religious (using words like “Soul”) so perhaps remember Jesus saying “You will know them by their fruit”. In other words, you can measure their “Soul” by what they do.

nerdyadventurer 4y ago

I also had similar experience, my undiagnosed ADHD was unknowingly ruining my life close to a decade. Problem with ADHD is it become late to diagnosed if you are smart, do well in school. My ADHD story goes something like this I was diagnosed was OCD at 16, even though I had symptoms from 14 or so. Before 16 I had symptom like difficulty in brushing teeth according to order, difficult to stay still and walk around the house thinking. But these things were not bothering my life that much. I did well on school exams, but starting from 16 with distractibility small task started to take hours, failed exams, anyway I attended to private college here and get through it. After college, I did not apply to any jobs, because I want to do something of my own, I tried different things some failed, but I had constant lingering of project I idea, I worked on it time to time while procrastinating but not close to at least releasing prototype. Like this five years passed away (up to today), I am still not any closer to finish it. As procrastination, I was helping relations, friends browsing social media, watching TV. Also did small freelance dev gigs. Over this time I have read about science of doing work, learning, but none of these helped me to work constantly. I muster my will power for several days and then fall off the wagon, but I keep trying, keep falling. I was feeling envy like OP because my peers were rising the ladder of success/life over these five years, while I was remaining stagnant. In last March I had all my energy drained out, no any motivation. I lashed out HN[1] and mention that I may have ADHD symptoms. One commenter suggested me to get diagnosed. Then I went to psychiatrist that I was getting treated for OCD, mentioned my demotivation and that I may have ADHD, he was skeptical but prescribed me Atomoxitine. Regardless of difficult side effects, my mind was cleared after a decade, I was able to get things done much, much faster, I was overjoyed. It reminded me what was my mind like before kicking in of distractibility symptoms. I was thinking myself this is what others feeling on day-to-day basis and how much a struggle that I was having. My motivation was also back to good level thanks to new meds. But clear mind did not last more than two days, again distractibility came to previous levels. But motivation was remaining to decent level, so I can get some work done. In next week I am planning to meet new psychiatrist and try other medicines out there since my current one seem to have thin knowledge on ADHD. This video[2] illuminated my understanding of ADHD, I recommend everyone who suspect they have ADHD or have chronic procrastination to check out that video. The most stressing thing about ADHD is hard to focus, distracted to gushing flow of thoughts. This makes a simple task more time-consuming. For example, reading non-fiction, non-technical book of 150 pages take about a month, which was not the case before 16. Now I know what I have (ADHD) I will battle my self to attain my goals and be successful, despite my disability I would suggest others to do the same. When I 16, 17 my mission was to be remembered. My motivation in my life was my struggles. I had defined purpose as below. "Inspire and help people with psychiatric and neurological disorders to become fully healthy and happy, Allowing them to do great things in the world." I am not 100% confident, how to achieve this, but I have some plans. My ADHD and my mom's Parkinson disease have strengthened my purpose. If anyone wants to chat, please do not hesitate to reach out on Reddit (see my profile), I really like to make friends who can understand me. [1] : https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30313215 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=30313215 [2] : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tpB-B8BXk0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tpB-B8BXk0

sph 4y ago
Good post. Atomoxetine is a little iffy, in UK it's third line medication for ADHD. If you can get stimulants prescribed you'll be able to tell immediately if they work or not. They're extremely effective, but for some people the side effects might be bad. In my case on lisdexamfetamine, I get a little more tired than I "should be" around 7pm, which lasts for an hour. Everything else is a total net positive. I sleep great, blood pressure is down, and I'm doing 5x more physical activity than before. Like the parent comment, email is in the profile if you would like to chat about this!

johnnymorgan 4y ago
Most people can't do this for a variety of reasons. Mine is an autistic kids. This isn't really good advice, it's basically an empty platitude. Find meaning in your life is actually what the 2 of you are telling him. Traveling is super overrated and is not an ends to itself. Without meaning, there isn't much point to life.
- carlgreene 4y ago
  100% this. I went traveling searching for meaning in my mid-20s. The most important lesson I learned was “Wherever you go, there you are”
  - Namari 4y ago
    Exactly!
- burntoutfire 4y ago
  I would say that travelling on a super low budget (or no budget at all) can be a transforming experience. It forces you to interact with locals to obtain any kind of food and shelters, and to live their lifestyle (because you can't afford anything more comfortable). On the other hand, I don't see much value in travelling where every discomfort can be removed by just opening up your wallet. It's nice but no essentially no different than going to the mall and movies in your town.
- Namari 4y ago
  I'm sorry to hear about your kid. I don't know about your situation to give you any help. Most of the people have no valid reason at all, they imagining the chains that are holding them down. There is not always meaning in life, sometime you can just go with the flow and still enjoy life. Travelling is not the answer to everything but it will make you a lot happier if you do it right. It's the not the Destination, It's the journey -- random smart quote.
- jasper_fitussi 4y ago
  Your reply I'm sure won't be the most popular with the younger generations, but this is more realistic. edit: A sabbatical may be a good idea in the OP's situation and need not always mean travel. Could also be a pursuit of arts, further his interest in physics etc.
  - Namari 4y ago
    I think it's a mindset. People want meaning in their life, I wonder if it's because they are bored. I have travelled a lot and I had no meaning in mind, just went with the flow, no plans at all, just places I knew I wanted to go. I can't say it's the solution for everyone, but for many it will do you good.