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I think GP's point might be that, if you tell an internalizer who is miserable -- and thus seeing the fault in themselves -- that it's bad to feel victimhood or
by Delk 4y ago
I think GP's point might be that, if you tell an internalizer who is miserable -- and thus seeing the fault in themselves -- that it's bad to feel victimhood or a fault in others or in their circumstances, you might push them further into self-blame even if their misery was brought by bad luck, or if they're disproportionately seeing a failure in themselves already.
What you say makes sense from a solutions point of view that assumes people presently have the mental capacity to improve their lives and circumstances. Sometimes it works, and it's always attractive to think of and offer solutions, but it can be a two-edged sword. If you say that to someone who's burned out (for lack of a better expression; doesn't have to be burnout), out of capacity and miserable and disproportionately blaming themselves for that, you might just increase their self-blame rather than positively encouraging them towards solutions even if your intention is the latter.
- em-bee 4y agoi believe recommending solutions to someone is not really a good idea. rather i'd encourage the person to look for for their own solutions and then help them validate whether those are a good.
- Delk 4y agoAFAIK, in therapy, the therapist's focus on giving advice correlates negatively with success. I imagine the relationship between the two might depend on the problem, interpersonal chemistry and various things I can't think of, but especially if the problem isn't something absolutely concrete, advice probably isn't something that helps. Most people aren't stupid, and if a psychological or emotional problem were just a simple solution away, they'd probably have thought of it already. Friendship or other "normal" relationships and interaction aren't therapy, of course, but the negative correlation might be an insightful observation nevertheless.
- em-bee 4y agoyes, exactly, because it is not advice that people need, but validation of their feelings and ideas. good friends validate and support. therapy of course goes beyond that by for example pointing to new ways to think about your situation, and recognizing problems that friends may not be able to see.
- lazide 4y agoNot necessarily. Validation of bad state is harmful. A therapist shouldn’t, for instance, tell someone it’s ok to feel uncontrollable rage because the mail was 5 minutes later than normal yesterday. Noting it is happening is of course important. But challenging the client is also important. Is that helping them? Do they know why they felt that way? Are there tools we can use to discover why, if not? Are there actions that can be taken to put them in a place where they can feel something that IS helping them, for instance. Friends who always encourage or validate are toxic, just like those that never do. It’s contextual.
- em-bee 4y agoyou are right. i didn't mean it in the extreme like that. in that mail example, the late mail isn't the problem. so i'd validate that something has you upset, and maybe recognize that the late mail was a trigger. then help you figure out what the actual problem was. i meant validation in contrast to just dismissing their their feelings or pushing them to your solutions. also, validation is not encouragement. if you come up with a bad solution to a problem, i'd have you walk me through it and explain to me why that is the best option. and if i am not convinced, but neither you or me can come up with a better solution, then i'd be very hesitant and validate cautiously. and even in the best case an enthusiastic validation is less useful, if at all. if i get that from a friend it feels like they have not even thought about the problem and they are just trying to be nice without taking me seriously.