3 ms·

Ooh, this definitely struck a chord in me, as I fall right into that stereotype. I was forced to play piano for 10 years and to do all those recitals and music

Ooh, this definitely struck a chord in me, as I fall right into that stereotype. I was forced to play piano for 10 years and to do all those recitals and music theory tests. I could never wiggle myself out of it because of all the guilt-tripping. So of course, I went to college and promptly dropped all of it. And unexpectedly, nearly a decade later, this pandemic thing happened, I returned to piano, recently bought a digital piano, and found a teacher. I practice 1-2 hours every day. And a lot of those skills I thought I would have lost returned pretty quickly. I have a lot of complicated emotions around this that I haven’t really quite figured out. But if I were to summarize them at their current stage, they’d be something like: (1) I am grateful that I was pushed to learn this instrument, (2) I realized I really disliked my childhood piano teacher, (3) my parents failed to recognize that for 10 years (as evidenced by never presenting the option of finding someone else), and (4) playing to inflate someone else’s ego is absolutely demotivating. One of the unfortunate effects is that roughly 1/3rd of Mozart’s sonatas are unplayable because I have some bad memories associated with them. Fortunately, there’s plenty of music in the world that don’t trigger those feelings, and I am so glad that I didn’t play that much Chopin back then. Maybe that might help? I’m not a parent, so consider these raw ideas that need some work to become parenting advice.

coldtea 4y ago
>my parents failed to recognize that for 10 years (as evidenced by never presenting the option of finding someone else) Well, in this case tho, did you ever suggest it? I mean, if it was a matter of disliking the material or the teaching style, but otherwise those lessons weren't in bad form, abusive, etc., so they couldn't see anything bad about them, how would they know?
- mkl 4y ago
  (Not OP) I think it's pretty common for kids to not realise something's a problem, or to not realise there are other possibilities. Something happened to me as a kid that had a significant negative effect on my life, but I only understood that decades later, and no one else was aware of the problem at the time.
  - nicolas_t 4y ago
    What happened to you as a kid? It's always interesting to learn about childhood traumas like this so that as a parent I can recognize the signs.
- kibibyte 4y ago
  For me, it was relatively strict parents sending me to a relatively strict piano teacher who also was a parent, and that combination can be a force multiplier for a bad time. All of them had similar cultural backgrounds as well, being first generation immigrants from the same country. mkl's reply described it the way I would have explained it. There is that inherent power dynamic between parents and children that can make it difficult to speak up. In addition, piano teachers teaching children are effectively in a parental role for that time. That's something to keep in mind for anyone who finds themselves in a position of authority over children, who are still in the early stages of expanding their perspectives of the world they live in.
adriand 4y ago
My daughter is 12, she has been taking piano lessons for several years now. About a year-and-a-half ago she started saying that she didn’t want to continue. Hated her lessons, didn’t like her teacher any more, etc. We of course weren’t happy about this because she was playing very well. We do believe in honouring our kids’ wishes, coupled however with the requirement that they meet their commitments: in this case, that my daughter finish that year of instruction. In the meantime we coached her on pressuring herself less and tried to support her. Over that period, something changed. She started watching YouTube videos of pianists. She heard about the Canadian pianist, Bruce Liu, who won the Chopin piano competition last year, and started saying she wanted to be the first female Canadian to win the same competition. She started practicing all the time, and we got her a new piano, an upright instead of an electronic one. She is still working hard like this. I don’t know why or how this happened, but I am glad it turned out this way. On the flip side, she also used to take ballet, and was very good at it, but didn’t want to continue that either. Once again we insisted she finish the year, and after that she didn’t want to enrol so we let that lapse. Parenting is a tricky balancing act!
- redshirtrob 4y ago
  > Parenting is a tricky balancing act! Indeed it is. Our rule of thumb is that you have to finish what you start, and generally give it two chances. This worked well for me as a child. I wanted to quit everything after the first go, but there were many activities that I loved after the second go, and a few I was happy to be done with (looking at you trombone). 1. Finishing what you start means honoring the promise you made--be it to the teacher/coach, the team, or someone else. Oftentimes other people are depending on you. 2. Giving the activity a second try accounts for the possibility that the problem wasn't with the activity so much as the environment. To be clear, I only apply these rules for the kids wanting to quit, not the parents. If, as a parent, I observe unacceptable behavior by the coach/teacher, dangerous conditions, etc I will pull the plug. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet.
- BizarroLand 4y ago
  I like that, I'll be borrowing it myself should I get to have children. If they make a commitment, finish it out to a specific time frame, a year of lessons will go by before you know it! A year of sports, a full season of soccer, make it to the end of the thing you're attempting before you decide to give up on it.
goodpoint 4y ago
The end does not justify the means.

coldtea 4y ago

>my parents failed to recognize that for 10 years (as evidenced by never presenting the option of finding someone else) Well, in this case tho, did you ever suggest it? I mean, if it was a matter of disliking the material or the teaching style, but otherwise those lessons weren't in bad form, abusive, etc., so they couldn't see anything bad about them, how would they know?

mkl 4y ago
(Not OP) I think it's pretty common for kids to not realise something's a problem, or to not realise there are other possibilities. Something happened to me as a kid that had a significant negative effect on my life, but I only understood that decades later, and no one else was aware of the problem at the time.
- nicolas_t 4y ago
  What happened to you as a kid? It's always interesting to learn about childhood traumas like this so that as a parent I can recognize the signs.
kibibyte 4y ago
For me, it was relatively strict parents sending me to a relatively strict piano teacher who also was a parent, and that combination can be a force multiplier for a bad time. All of them had similar cultural backgrounds as well, being first generation immigrants from the same country. mkl's reply described it the way I would have explained it. There is that inherent power dynamic between parents and children that can make it difficult to speak up. In addition, piano teachers teaching children are effectively in a parental role for that time. That's something to keep in mind for anyone who finds themselves in a position of authority over children, who are still in the early stages of expanding their perspectives of the world they live in.

adriand 4y ago

My daughter is 12, she has been taking piano lessons for several years now. About a year-and-a-half ago she started saying that she didn’t want to continue. Hated her lessons, didn’t like her teacher any more, etc. We of course weren’t happy about this because she was playing very well. We do believe in honouring our kids’ wishes, coupled however with the requirement that they meet their commitments: in this case, that my daughter finish that year of instruction. In the meantime we coached her on pressuring herself less and tried to support her. Over that period, something changed. She started watching YouTube videos of pianists. She heard about the Canadian pianist, Bruce Liu, who won the Chopin piano competition last year, and started saying she wanted to be the first female Canadian to win the same competition. She started practicing all the time, and we got her a new piano, an upright instead of an electronic one. She is still working hard like this. I don’t know why or how this happened, but I am glad it turned out this way. On the flip side, she also used to take ballet, and was very good at it, but didn’t want to continue that either. Once again we insisted she finish the year, and after that she didn’t want to enrol so we let that lapse. Parenting is a tricky balancing act!

redshirtrob 4y ago
> Parenting is a tricky balancing act! Indeed it is. Our rule of thumb is that you have to finish what you start, and generally give it two chances. This worked well for me as a child. I wanted to quit everything after the first go, but there were many activities that I loved after the second go, and a few I was happy to be done with (looking at you trombone). 1. Finishing what you start means honoring the promise you made--be it to the teacher/coach, the team, or someone else. Oftentimes other people are depending on you. 2. Giving the activity a second try accounts for the possibility that the problem wasn't with the activity so much as the environment. To be clear, I only apply these rules for the kids wanting to quit, not the parents. If, as a parent, I observe unacceptable behavior by the coach/teacher, dangerous conditions, etc I will pull the plug. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet.
BizarroLand 4y ago
I like that, I'll be borrowing it myself should I get to have children. If they make a commitment, finish it out to a specific time frame, a year of lessons will go by before you know it! A year of sports, a full season of soccer, make it to the end of the thing you're attempting before you decide to give up on it.

goodpoint 4y ago

The end does not justify the means.