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I'm in my mid 50's and a number of peers from different circles have all come to the same conclusion: they want to create intentional communities of friends to

by sbf501 4y ago

I'm in my mid 50's and a number of peers from different circles have all come to the same conclusion: they want to create intentional communities of friends to age with. One couple purchased several acres of land and has two friends living in a tiny house with them. Another friend is trying to raise capital to build the type of apartments/dormitories that the majority of US city-dwellers inhabitied in the late 1880's early 1900's: ones that shared a common dinner table and parlor for entertainment. Another has a B&B that also serves as co-housing for 8 adults from their mid-50s to their 70's, and they share chores, which has been together for over a decade. I find this to be a uniquely western culture issue, compared to eastern asian cultures and indian subcontinent where multi-generational families mean you're never really alone. The author seems to have fallen into this void. I'm sure even with everything I've mentioned above it is still possible, but intentional or filial, the family must still grow and add new members to prevent this unique type of loneliness. I don't know how my friends' intentional families will persist over the decades as they start to die, but they seem to be committed today.

devnull3 4y ago
> indian subcontinent where multi-generational families mean you're never really alone. It's changing fast, especially in big cities. Families are becoming more nuclear. Its still much better than western countries though.
- bowsamic 4y ago
  Is it better? I know someone from one of those cultures who says he will never move out until his parents die, there is no independence
  - notsureaboutpg 4y ago
  - Veen 4y ago
    It's a tradeoff. Close-knit families limit your freedom, but they also provide stability, companionship, emotional and financial support, etc. On the other hand, you can have total independence from family and community, but then you aren't really a member. Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes with duties and obligations—often life-long. You can't have one without the other.
    - hn_version_0023 4y ago
      > Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes with duties and obligations I think you’ve hit the nail square on the head here: this is perhaps the thing that bothers me most about life in the US.. no sense of community, belonging, etc. I’ve been chronically lonely for pretty much all of my 46 years. I don’t see any communities or families I’d be OK with joining, contributing to, or even leaning on for support. Everyone is so selfish it turns my stomach, doubly so as I know I’m as guilty as anyone for being selfish.
      - bowsamic 4y ago
        The US is worse for it than a lot of other western countries tho. Unless you’re religious, that is
        hn_version_0023 4y ago
        I’m a lifelong atheist, but I am starting to look at religion simply for the community and fellowship. But honestly I don’t want to be religious. It seems like it entirely suspends one’s ability to think critically, and I have so little of that particular talent that letting go of what I do what feels like a disaster in the making. It feels exceptionally hard to go into it with an open mind.
        bowsamic 4y ago
bcrosby95 4y ago
I have a wife and 3 kids, but we always talk about, for retirement, making a pact with our friends and all retiring to the same place - be that a plot of land with a bunch of tiny houses, or a small no-name town where anyone could afford a house.
- auraham 4y ago
  Not entirely related but it seems like the plot of 'Grace and Frankie' on Netflix: two old ladies that become friends and spend their last years together.
paulsutter 4y ago
Have you tried it? Perhaps rent a big house together for two weeks. I remember roomates and it wasn’t great A pedestrian neighborhood in a city can have a real sense of community. You get to know the shopkeepers, restaurants, neighbors. You might try that for contrast. More durable, less risky, hundreds to choose from. You can even invite your friends to move there
- sbf501 4y ago
  I tried co-housing for three months with 6 people my age or older. It is very different than living with people in your 20's & 30's. Everyone was way more considerate: the place was clean (we all had chores), most of us liked to cook so there were periodic house meals. The only thing I didn't like was that I had my room and that was it. I'm into hobbies and there wasn't a garage or shed, and the basement was storage. I liked it, I had no complaints except for not enough fridge space (we had two) and not enough craft space. I would need a shed for my ceramics. I could definitely see myself doing this. EDIT: Oh yeah, I was dating at the time and it was about 50-50 between people who thought it was cool and people who were like "no effing way."
seydor 4y ago
> to eastern asian cultures and indian subcontinent where multi-generational families mean you're never really alone. It's high birth rates that create such culture. Europe and US are not comparable , and over time people will get lonelier and lonelier unless they decide to adjust their way of life around this issue and stop living with 20th century standards. Cities should be designed with the single-person in mind now, not the family
- BlargMcLarg 4y ago
  It's not just the culture. Young people are staying home more out of financial convenience and necessity in Europe. The market hasn't made enough affordable housing to keep the status quo running.
  - seydor 4y ago
    The market would if it wasn't so restricted
- baby 4y ago
  The number of people I know who moved to nyc because “they really need a girlfriend at this point” shows how dense cities is the answer for single people
  - mancerayder 4y ago
    Or the wrong ones. Cities like New York and London are the worst places to date - unless you find yourself in the top percentage of 'attractiveness' which we can loosely define according to contemporary city standards - physical, financial and personality better be strong, and you better be young.
eternalban 4y ago
> I find this to be a uniquely western culture issue, compared to eastern asian cultures and indian subcontinent 'Western Asia' also exists and very much the same as the rest of Asian cultures in terms of multi-generational extended families.

by sbf501 4y ago

devnull3 4y ago

> indian subcontinent where multi-generational families mean you're never really alone. It's changing fast, especially in big cities. Families are becoming more nuclear. Its still much better than western countries though.

bowsamic 4y ago
Is it better? I know someone from one of those cultures who says he will never move out until his parents die, there is no independence
- notsureaboutpg 4y ago
- Veen 4y ago
  It's a tradeoff. Close-knit families limit your freedom, but they also provide stability, companionship, emotional and financial support, etc. On the other hand, you can have total independence from family and community, but then you aren't really a member. Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes with duties and obligations—often life-long. You can't have one without the other.
  - hn_version_0023 4y ago
    > Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes with duties and obligations I think you’ve hit the nail square on the head here: this is perhaps the thing that bothers me most about life in the US.. no sense of community, belonging, etc. I’ve been chronically lonely for pretty much all of my 46 years. I don’t see any communities or families I’d be OK with joining, contributing to, or even leaning on for support. Everyone is so selfish it turns my stomach, doubly so as I know I’m as guilty as anyone for being selfish.
    - bowsamic 4y ago
      The US is worse for it than a lot of other western countries tho. Unless you’re religious, that is
      - hn_version_0023 4y ago
        I’m a lifelong atheist, but I am starting to look at religion simply for the community and fellowship. But honestly I don’t want to be religious. It seems like it entirely suspends one’s ability to think critically, and I have so little of that particular talent that letting go of what I do what feels like a disaster in the making. It feels exceptionally hard to go into it with an open mind.
        bowsamic 4y ago

bcrosby95 4y ago

I have a wife and 3 kids, but we always talk about, for retirement, making a pact with our friends and all retiring to the same place - be that a plot of land with a bunch of tiny houses, or a small no-name town where anyone could afford a house.

auraham 4y ago
Not entirely related but it seems like the plot of 'Grace and Frankie' on Netflix: two old ladies that become friends and spend their last years together.

paulsutter 4y ago

Have you tried it? Perhaps rent a big house together for two weeks. I remember roomates and it wasn’t great A pedestrian neighborhood in a city can have a real sense of community. You get to know the shopkeepers, restaurants, neighbors. You might try that for contrast. More durable, less risky, hundreds to choose from. You can even invite your friends to move there

sbf501 4y ago
I tried co-housing for three months with 6 people my age or older. It is very different than living with people in your 20's & 30's. Everyone was way more considerate: the place was clean (we all had chores), most of us liked to cook so there were periodic house meals. The only thing I didn't like was that I had my room and that was it. I'm into hobbies and there wasn't a garage or shed, and the basement was storage. I liked it, I had no complaints except for not enough fridge space (we had two) and not enough craft space. I would need a shed for my ceramics. I could definitely see myself doing this. EDIT: Oh yeah, I was dating at the time and it was about 50-50 between people who thought it was cool and people who were like "no effing way."

seydor 4y ago

> to eastern asian cultures and indian subcontinent where multi-generational families mean you're never really alone. It's high birth rates that create such culture. Europe and US are not comparable , and over time people will get lonelier and lonelier unless they decide to adjust their way of life around this issue and stop living with 20th century standards. Cities should be designed with the single-person in mind now, not the family

BlargMcLarg 4y ago
It's not just the culture. Young people are staying home more out of financial convenience and necessity in Europe. The market hasn't made enough affordable housing to keep the status quo running.
- seydor 4y ago
  The market would if it wasn't so restricted
baby 4y ago
The number of people I know who moved to nyc because “they really need a girlfriend at this point” shows how dense cities is the answer for single people
- mancerayder 4y ago
  Or the wrong ones. Cities like New York and London are the worst places to date - unless you find yourself in the top percentage of 'attractiveness' which we can loosely define according to contemporary city standards - physical, financial and personality better be strong, and you better be young.

eternalban 4y ago

> I find this to be a uniquely western culture issue, compared to eastern asian cultures and indian subcontinent 'Western Asia' also exists and very much the same as the rest of Asian cultures in terms of multi-generational extended families.