4 ms·

Try to live a different life? Yes, and I found out that my values are utterly incompatible with society's. I have often put honesty (not in a rude way, but in a

Try to live a different life? Yes, and I found out that my values are utterly incompatible with society's. I have often put honesty (not in a rude way, but in an intellectual way) and the well-being of other people before my own needs, only to find out that this is a loser's strategy.

annyeonghada 4y ago
>only to find out that this is a loser's strategy I'm still processing this truth. I basically put my life, university and career on stop to help my sister. I oscillate between thinking "I'm a good person" to "I just wish I were a selfish bastard". Definitely a loser's strategy.
- s1artibartfast 4y ago
  It's not a looser strategy, it is just a choice and compromise. You can't do or have everything. Sometimes you have to give things up to get other things you want. You prioritized one are over another and there is nothing wrong with that.
- alphabettsy 4y ago
  > to help my sister. Curious, help with what? Why did you have to put your life on hold?
radu_floricica 4y ago
It's kinda impolite of me to give advice when I know so little but... oh well. It's Saturday and I'm too sleep deprived to do anything but haunt forums. My particular solution to your dilemma was to find a better circle of friends. An anime club, of all things, some 20 years ago. The specific hobby doesn't matter, but having compatible people around helped a lot. I'm almost equally uncomfortable in the classic "party" scenario as I was at 18, but in my current lifestyle that happens maybe once a decade. The rest is filled with socializing, my way. As for putting honesty and other people before yourself... hehe. That's classic lack of social skills and reading cues. Did that - god, that used to do a number on my dating experiences. Sometimes you have to NOT say the first thing that comes to your head. That's the first skill to learn. Second you'll find a small voice inside your head that'll start telling you when you're about to say the wrong thing - start cultivating it. But first of all you need the commitment to actually listen to it, and squash any trace of "but than I won't be the authentic me" excuse.
- nils-m-holm 4y ago
  Well, thanks for your advice, but I am afraid that you have completely misunderstood my posting. I stressed that I meant "honest in a non-rude way". Most people experience me as a very agreeable person with excellent social skills. You can be honest without hurting people's feelings. I mean honest in the sense that I own my mistakes and do not attempt to look good in the face of failure. Listening is probably the most developed skill I have and I do not care about "authenticity". I am not writing this to prove you wrong, just to show you how far off your assumptions can be after reading a few lines about a person on the Internet.
  - radu_floricica 4y ago
    I'm sleep deprived and misjudging from a two-line post... I won't be beating myself over it :)
quartesixte 4y ago
As the sibling poster said: >squash any trace of "but than I won't be the authentic me" excuse. This is super important. We, for lack of a better phrase, live in a society. And that means getting along with others in that society even though you might have to put on a false front from time to time. Other people will construct their own image of you that you will find to be inaccurate anyways, no matter how honest you may be. The key I learned (for I used to be like you) was to just talk less. Not everything must be said. Preserves my honesty (I didn’t lie, I merely kept quiet). Preserves the peace. And so on.
- nils-m-holm 4y ago
  I is indeed very interesting that (at least) two readers conflate "honest" with "rude" even when I noted that this is not what I meant. FWIW, I am a very silent and very careful and empathetic person. The reason I do not fit in is that I these seem to be rare traits. Appreciated, sure, reciprocated, barely.
  - s1artibartfast 4y ago
    I think a lot of people make this conflation because they live honest lives and haven't experienced your outcome. It is hard to understand why you received such a poor reaction to your honesty. Perhaps luck of the draw and it worked out poorly. I think I am pretty damn honest and my experience is that the more honest I am, the better my life becomes. This holds true in my work, my relationships, and most importantly with myself
s1artibartfast 4y ago
Life is about moderation and decision making. Always putting the well-being of other people before your own is indeed a bad strategy. It ignores self care and leaves you open to be taken advantage of. You can do a lot more good if you are mentally and physically healthy and not being continually scammed. As a trite example, I like to pick up mentally unstable hitchhikers (literally). I don't do it on my way to a job interview, and I don't do it if they seem especially dangerous. This way I get to keep helping.
maximus-decimus 4y ago
If you're smart enough to realize honesty is getting in your way, but are unwilling to sacrifice it to attain your goal, you're not really "trying". In the sense that you're not actually using your intelligence to achieve your goal.

annyeonghada 4y ago

>only to find out that this is a loser's strategy I'm still processing this truth. I basically put my life, university and career on stop to help my sister. I oscillate between thinking "I'm a good person" to "I just wish I were a selfish bastard". Definitely a loser's strategy.

s1artibartfast 4y ago
It's not a looser strategy, it is just a choice and compromise. You can't do or have everything. Sometimes you have to give things up to get other things you want. You prioritized one are over another and there is nothing wrong with that.
alphabettsy 4y ago
> to help my sister. Curious, help with what? Why did you have to put your life on hold?

radu_floricica 4y ago

It's kinda impolite of me to give advice when I know so little but... oh well. It's Saturday and I'm too sleep deprived to do anything but haunt forums. My particular solution to your dilemma was to find a better circle of friends. An anime club, of all things, some 20 years ago. The specific hobby doesn't matter, but having compatible people around helped a lot. I'm almost equally uncomfortable in the classic "party" scenario as I was at 18, but in my current lifestyle that happens maybe once a decade. The rest is filled with socializing, my way. As for putting honesty and other people before yourself... hehe. That's classic lack of social skills and reading cues. Did that - god, that used to do a number on my dating experiences. Sometimes you have to NOT say the first thing that comes to your head. That's the first skill to learn. Second you'll find a small voice inside your head that'll start telling you when you're about to say the wrong thing - start cultivating it. But first of all you need the commitment to actually listen to it, and squash any trace of "but than I won't be the authentic me" excuse.

nils-m-holm 4y ago
Well, thanks for your advice, but I am afraid that you have completely misunderstood my posting. I stressed that I meant "honest in a non-rude way". Most people experience me as a very agreeable person with excellent social skills. You can be honest without hurting people's feelings. I mean honest in the sense that I own my mistakes and do not attempt to look good in the face of failure. Listening is probably the most developed skill I have and I do not care about "authenticity". I am not writing this to prove you wrong, just to show you how far off your assumptions can be after reading a few lines about a person on the Internet.
- radu_floricica 4y ago
  I'm sleep deprived and misjudging from a two-line post... I won't be beating myself over it :)

quartesixte 4y ago

As the sibling poster said: >squash any trace of "but than I won't be the authentic me" excuse. This is super important. We, for lack of a better phrase, live in a society. And that means getting along with others in that society even though you might have to put on a false front from time to time. Other people will construct their own image of you that you will find to be inaccurate anyways, no matter how honest you may be. The key I learned (for I used to be like you) was to just talk less. Not everything must be said. Preserves my honesty (I didn’t lie, I merely kept quiet). Preserves the peace. And so on.

nils-m-holm 4y ago
I is indeed very interesting that (at least) two readers conflate "honest" with "rude" even when I noted that this is not what I meant. FWIW, I am a very silent and very careful and empathetic person. The reason I do not fit in is that I these seem to be rare traits. Appreciated, sure, reciprocated, barely.
- s1artibartfast 4y ago
  I think a lot of people make this conflation because they live honest lives and haven't experienced your outcome. It is hard to understand why you received such a poor reaction to your honesty. Perhaps luck of the draw and it worked out poorly. I think I am pretty damn honest and my experience is that the more honest I am, the better my life becomes. This holds true in my work, my relationships, and most importantly with myself

s1artibartfast 4y ago

Life is about moderation and decision making. Always putting the well-being of other people before your own is indeed a bad strategy. It ignores self care and leaves you open to be taken advantage of. You can do a lot more good if you are mentally and physically healthy and not being continually scammed. As a trite example, I like to pick up mentally unstable hitchhikers (literally). I don't do it on my way to a job interview, and I don't do it if they seem especially dangerous. This way I get to keep helping.

maximus-decimus 4y ago

If you're smart enough to realize honesty is getting in your way, but are unwilling to sacrifice it to attain your goal, you're not really "trying". In the sense that you're not actually using your intelligence to achieve your goal.