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I'm a stay-at-home disabled dad to 2 kids (toddler + 2nd grade), and quite literally can't count the number of times over the last 8 years that I've had people
by sen 4y ago
I'm a stay-at-home disabled dad to 2 kids (toddler + 2nd grade), and quite literally can't count the number of times over the last 8 years that I've had people at parks threaten to (or actually do) call the police on me, verbally berate me, etc.
I've been verbally assaulted (proper screaming-levels of verbal attacks) for being a pedophile because I'm at a park playing with my own daughter. I've had groups of mums surround me while they call the police, and force me to wait for them to arrive. I've very regularly had people pull their kids away from my kids and not let them play together, while all the other kids with mums there are allowed to play amongst each other. I've been told I'm "assaulting" my wife by "forcing" her to work and miss out on the all-important motherhood experience. Doesn't matter that mum works in ICU/surgical saving lives, and absolutely loves what she does (and works 3 days a week, so gets plenty of mothering time). I've been followed for blocks and blocks by people videoing me on their phone saying they're reporting me for kidnapping. I've been told to leave the park more times than I could ever count, because "it's a place for mums and their kids". I've been rejected from library story time and family centres because I'm not the mum. I've had the police turn up to my door because neighbours saw me tending to a crying kid in the yard (fallen off the bike) and the police were told I had kidnapped them and was assaulting them... I could go on for many more paragraphs.
In all these situations I calmly explain that I'm the father, and just try move away from the people or leave the park to save my kids having to experience this stuff.
People are fucking crazy.
Edit: To clarify, I'm in Australia. I have also run into various other stay-at-home dads who have similar stories. It does seem to be more in the inner city suburbs, as we move a lot and I haven't had it nearly as much in more rural areas (though it does still happen).
- cmckn 4y agoIt sounds like there’s a torrent of gossip in your neighborhood about you, and I’m really sorry you have to suffer the consequences. Have any of the parents at the park ever just…chatted with you while the kids play? Its very strange that everyone seems to recognize you and have the same, unhinged opinion of you.
- ajmurmann 4y agoThis might be one of the most appalling and depressing things I've read in a long time. How did we get here as a society? The frequent moral panics, like stranger danger and the satanic panic, whipped up by the media?
- novok 4y agoWith OP being disabled, there might be an element that "movies say the ugly and disabled are the villain, and this guy looks like a movie villain". Gross and disgusting, but it is what it is.
- MisterBastahrd 4y agoWell, after the Cold War was over, some people needed a new boogeyman. So they chose literally everyone who doesn't think or look exactly like them, and then tried to get their kids to do the same. And now, here we are.
- deleted 4y ago[deleted]
- colordrops 4y agoWhere are you? I know a few stay at home dads in LA and they didn't have this level of difficulty. Sounds like you might be in a more closed minded region of the world.
- sen 4y agoSorry should've said that, I'll edit the comment, but I'm in Australia and these stories happened while living in both Sydney and Melbourne (have sinced moved to a more rural city and doesn't happen "as" much, but still happens).
- benjaminwootton 4y agoI was about to question your anecdote, but when I heard you lived in Australia it made a bit more sense. To use the parents comments phrase, “closed mindedness” does seem to fit.
- Handytinge 4y agoAs an Australian stay at home dad who knows many others, I've never heard of or had anything close to these experiences hapoen. And I'm not aware of Australia having a paticularly closed minded reputation? You maybe should question that anecdote.
- jollybean 4y agoWow - that's absolute madness. I would have never imagined it was like that. I can see maybe someone, kind of subconsciously thinking ill, and double a 'double take' ... ... but almost anyone can see whether or not the kid knows the adult they are with. And what kind of kidnapper steals kids to take them to the park to play with them? My god.
- ur-whale 4y agoIf I may ask: what country do you live in?
- sen 4y agoAustralia. This happened living in various suburbs of both Sydney and Melbourne.
- Agentlien 4y agoI live in Sweden and this experience is alien to me. I often see other fathers playing with their kids at the playgrounds. When I'm with my kids I've only ever been met by smiles and comments about how adorable kids are. A large reason for this is that it's very common for fathers to be on parental leave. For each child born, if you are two parents, you get 480 days of paid parental leave to distribute among yourselves. You get half each, can transfer days between one another, but 90 each of these cannot be transferred.
- xvedejas 4y agoI'm having trouble figuring out what you mean by 480 days. Per year? Per child? Per couple, for the duration of their marriage? What if one parent doesn't work? I guess it doesn't work how I first assumed (per year), because if you transfer all but 90 days, then one parent has 370 days off in a year, which is both far beyond the number of work days in a year and slightly more than the number of days in a year.
- tomcam 4y agoI am not trying to be annoying here but I always love to explore edge cases. If you had a kid every year for 10 years does that mean one of the parents could essentially be paid to stay home for 10 years in a row?
- LilBytes 4y agoI've seen a lot of what you've noticed, I don't have my own kids (yet) but I look after my nephew a lot when he's up in Brisbane from the Gold Coast over an entire weekend every month or so. I can't say I've had your entire experience, but I've seen it at least three times. And considering the amount of time with my nephew (1 weekend in 4-5 at best), that gives you an indication how rife this issue is here.
- eweise 4y agoIs this an Australia thing? I live in the US and regularly took our toddlers to the park since I was working from home. Never had a single experience like what you describe. I actually became part of the social circle at the park even though I was the only dad there.
- sen 4y agoFrom comments by other dads I know, and online (some here when I’ve brought it up, and elsewhere) it does seem to be an Australia-plus-a-few-US-states thing. Mostly in places where people are comfortably middle class and/or live in major cities.
- TapWaterBandit 4y agoAustralia has an extreme nanny state mentality for a lot of things. The image many have of chill surfer bros who don't play by the rules is no longer accurate (if it ever was) the average Australian is extremely uptight about adhering to rules in general. There are some advantages to this as a level of competence does filter down to the street level (as a small example having lived in multiple AU cities as well as US cities, far far more people litter in US cities than Australian ones) but it does have negative impacts. A recent example is the appalling treatment of overseas Australians by their government during Covid where the border was closed and many Australians were effectively barred from returning to their country for over 2 years.
- quickthrower2 4y agoAs a Brit living in australia for 10 years, I think relating to Covid people generally just see the greater good and accept. There are vocal groups against lockdowns and a decent chunk of people break rules. I remember the 2 hour queue for my second jab. Chaos in some ways but people acted superbly well, and the marshall was in awe and excited for me that I was getting shot 2 so soon (compared to other people in australia).
- InafuSabi 4y agoI am sad to read how you have had to experience these horrific scenes of extreme paranoia. Please, keep spreading the good energy THe cops are wise enough to have entries in their journals to know its again a false report against a good man, playing with his legal own children
- mquander 4y agoI believe your experience. I just want to contribute the anecdata that I am a stay-at-home dad to my 2.5 year old, and I have spent most days for the past year and a half talking him out on walks, to parks, downtown, etc. in the Bay Area suburbs, more or less following him around and letting him do whatever he pleases. The only experience I have had where someone bothered me in public was some woman in a car who really wanted me to put a hat on him. I would be interested to hear from other people to understand why this happens in some places and to some people, but not others. I always wonder if I am going to start getting harassed in public, since it's a common complaint, but so far -- nothing.
- mbrundle 4y agoThat’s simply awful, I’m really sorry to hear that! I spent a year as a stay at home dad (with our son who was 1 yr old at the time). The first few months were spent in Palo Alto, CA, and the rest in London, UK. We would go out to parks all over the place, and I never had any problems like this. Other parents always seemed happy to chat. I did expect problems since my son looks very different to me (fair skinned and blonde, whilst I’m a typical Pakistani Asian guy, brown skin, black hair - this kid inherited a lot of his looks from my wife). Often I’d get questioned by immigration officials when flying alone with him, and I’d have to take a letter from my wife attesting to our trip being known about and approved by her. But that was the only time it was an issue. I don’t think I would have lasted long if I encountered what you have, and I can’t imagine how you’ve dealt with it for as long as you have. If there’s anything I can do to support, please let me know.
- sen 4y agoThanks for the kind words. We’ve moved to a more rural city where it doesn’t happen nearly as much anymore (eg less people at the parks in general), and we have a larger property now so the kids play in the yard mostly.
- mattlondon 4y agoSorry to hear about your experience. For what it is worth, I have never experienced anything similar here in the UK. If anything, it seems that people like to see the dad doing kid stuff (especially baby/newborn stuff) - I've lost count of the number of times I've been out and about with my son and now also newborn daughter in a baby carrier/wrap and have received either direct positive comments, or indirect admiring looks/cooing/etc. (just yesterday I was at the Zoo with my excited toddler and my daughter in a wrap and there was an audible "gasp-of-cuteness" (for want of a better phrase) from some women standing nearby when I turned around and revealed the baby in the carrier - there was zero negative vibes). It is very common to see dads in the playground - especially at weekends but also during the week days too. Mums seem very comfortable to stop and chat when we're at the sandpit or just waiting in line at Starbucks or whatever.
- franga2000 4y agoI'm sorry what the actual fuck?? I would've thought this sounded insane if it happened 50 years ago, but today?!? Looking at sibling comments it seems this luckily isn't too common, but still very fucked up. It sucks that this isn't being talked about more.
- brnt 4y agoThat's a horrible story and I wish you the best. Makes me appreciate my own situation even more (partner and I divide care 50/50, and I enjoy taking my 6 month old for a stroll so much!).
- Veen 4y agoThe novelist Will Self wrote about a similar experience when he was out with his children. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2396222/Branded-paedophile-hiking-son-WILL-SELF-reveals-nightmare.html https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2396222/Branded-pae...
- neumann 4y agoThat is crazy. Curious where in Melbourne as I have never encountered this with two under 5. I work part time and now, since covid, from home and always regularly take my kids to various parks around the inner north. Usually a sprinkle of other dads, grandparents and lots of mums. No one has ever even suggested I am suspicious. I did get a lot of "a dad at the playground. Wow, so progressive" when the first kid was small, which was pretty amusing/ disappointing for 2010s.
- sen 4y agoMostly St Kilda area, and around Prahran. It was way way worse in Sydney (inner suburbs) but still happened enough in Melbourne that it was a known thing among parents I knew there. Could be some stereotyping based on looks (I’m a big guy with tattoos), who knows. Whatever the reason, it’s common enough I’ve seen articles written about it and met plenty who confirm it’s not just me.
- dhsysusbsjsi 4y agoI was about to say you should move to Australia then saw this is where you live. I’ve never had this experience in oz.
- aaaaaaaaata 4y agoAre you attractive?/not unattractive?
- kimburgess 4y agoWow. Sorry to hear that you've had to experience that. For what it's worth: also Australian with a relatively fresh human (toddler). My partner and I try to share care relatively evenly so I get a bit of playground/park time in and I'm yet to experience anything like this. I truly hope that continues as that sounds terrifying. There's a whole set of other societal aspects, particularly support services in the lead up to and after birth, that are completely asymmetric or non-existent for fathers though.
- Handytinge 4y agoI suspect GP is exagerating. I've been an Aussie stay at home dad for years and know many others, and I've never seen or heard anything remotely close to this. There are for sure social gaps and service gaps, but assaults in the street like the GP is describing seem... far fetched.
- lucidlive 4y agoThat horrific, I’m sorry you go through that.
- quickthrower2 4y agoI am sorry you go through this. I wonder where you are as in suburban Sydney I have never had this issue for 9 years of parenthood. And I have taken the kids all kinds if places even in the centre of Sydney. Had more issues walking dogs than taking kids out.
- BeFlatXIII 4y ago> force me to wait for them to arrive Too many of them blocking your way such that you couldn't leave without physically shoving them?
- CogitoCogito 4y agoYou should probably start reporting these people to the police. I don't know how things work in Australia, but you should file complaints specifically against these individuals. Publicly calling you a pedophile is slander isn't it? I don't see how it's not illegal.
- NylaTheWolf 4y agoThat is honestly disgusting. I'm so sorry you're forced to put up with that shit.