The "what" is way trickier than that. I was suicidal for ~15 years, no matter if things were going well or badly. There were years when things were perfect, awe

The "what" is way trickier than that. I was suicidal for ~15 years, no matter if things were going well or badly. There were years when things were perfect, awesome, but I was still depressed. I've tried all the "normie" shit, I really did. My brain is simply fucked. The only thing that worked is medication (and not the standard ones, what I'm taking would not even be considered by most doctors in Europe - but it would in the US). The dumbest thing here is I would be put in prison if anyone found out. Now I've mostly fixed depression and anxiety, the only thing remaining is my attention/self-control - ADHD, and illegal stimulants work for that but they're not quite enough, I need to be very careful to take them under specific circumstances so I can form new habits and retrain my brain. I'm basically doing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy all on my own. This is pretty bad - when you fuck up for decades, it's extremely hard to better yourself, especially when you realize just how badly things went.