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Loneliness. We don't have meaningful social connections anymore like our parents or their parents geeration had. We are so scattered, that I am unsure how many

by n_ary 4y ago

Loneliness. We don't have meaningful social connections anymore like our parents or their parents geeration had. We are so scattered, that I am unsure how many of my friends are actually friends and how many are just professional contacts. Everytime I switch job, almost 70% of my friends suddenly fall out of contact. Heck, I don't even know the people who live in next apartments both left, right, up and down on the same building. Socializing with my friends mean, setting up an appointment weeks ahead to see if we can align on a free-slot and this often involves all of us commuting to somewhere and disbanding by 22:00 hours because family, work next morning, chores to do, doctor appointment and other human things. Interestingly, in this rat race, a lot of people suddenly inherited significant wealth and managed to use those wisely to have enough return to maintain a minimal lifestyle without working a primary 9-5. Some of us also achieved significant wealth by our early youth that we can afford to chase our hobbies for long time without worrying about the rents and bills and other responsibilities. Add social network to this, and these people cumulatively pursue things like world travelling, elaborate vacations, own businesses, YOLO etc.. , an endless stream of "other people doing YOLO" while us being worried what did I achieve so far? So, yeah, we feel lonely, go to social sites(which is appearently the whole "internet" to non tech-savvy groups) to see how others are having it good. Then suddenly we realize we wasted a lot of time on watching others having fun and decide that, we need to get better hobbies and stop this. But the loneliness never goes away as hobbies are extra toppings when we have a complete social life, so we are again pulled back to the cesspool, because at least there we can get some connection in forms of comment, likes and we can post our opinions as well or get into hours of comment-wars(which counts as social connection too).

zhdc1 4y ago
> Loneliness I had to read through your comment a couple of times. From the sound of it, you’re likely in a better position than many other people here, and what worries you isn’t the lack of social contact but the depth and quality of it. This is a common issue that a lot or even most people face as they get older. I think that a lot of us have been able to fill this gap by finding significant others and starting families. I wonder if the trend towards settling down at later ages and holding off on having a child - or forgoing it altogether - is also part of the issue. Social media doesn’t help, but the answer to that is to stop using it, or, at the very least, to keep yourself from using platforms that encourage comparisons.
- squishy47 4y ago
  i think i fair ammount of it is that it's difficult to do things spontaniously anymore. when i was little, my parents friends just used to show up and see what was going on, hang out, have a drink, whatever. and i think this kinda builds that friendship, as it's the random shit ppl do together that builds the bond (best example is the Friends tv show) or when you're a teen and there's nothing to do so you just hang out with your friends. (that 70's show) it seems really difficult to do that anymore because you can stay friends with someon on socials but then they live 2hr drive away. also it seems less accepted to just show up at someones house, also lives are really busy, so everything has to be scheduled now, otherwise you'll be interrupting things. (sorry for the poorly structured brain dump.)
  - dazc 4y ago
    Just showing up is something that has definitely gone out of fashion. I have family I barely see because meeting up requires advanced notice. Even then it feels like an inconvenience, hence, other than weddings and funerals, I don't bother.
    - ratww 4y ago
      Even phone calls need advanced notice these days I personally have an arrangement with some friends: they can call me or pop over any time… but they have to accept I might be busy, and vice versa. So far it has worked because we’re all too lazy to be doing anything other than hanging out.
    - invig 4y ago
      What do you think causes this?
      - ajmurmann 4y ago
        A few theories: We prioritize unimportant stuff over people. Examples: going to the gym, grocery shopping Too much ceremony around the actual meeting. Your place gotta be tidy, you gotta be a good host etc. I have neighbors I really like who moved in ~6-8 months ago. We had them over twice and visited their place once. Each time each party made a huge effort. My wife made us clean our place for the better part of the day and every time we visited someone clearly had spent hours cooking and prepping stuff. Nobody wants to do this all the time. I even brought this up explicitly that we all gotta chill the f out about being super hosts. Everyone nodded and I am sure whoever hosts next time won't put much less work in. Cultural change. I don't even know how to get to the place where I would just walk to my neighbor to "hang out". It feels like everything these days needs to have a reason and a plan. And this is in the rare case where you actually could walk over and don't have to drive 20 minutes to find out your friends took their kid to swim class.
rr808 4y ago
I think its a good time to take the initiative and invite a neighbor around for dinner or even dessert one night. I'm not sure why Parents and Grandparents were better at this but the younger generation maybe isn't as good at realizing social interaction is important and you have to initiate at least 50% of the time.
mch82 4y ago
Your answer is a good one. I’m optimistic that remote work can help society reverse course on the constraints that have trapped people into loneliness. We got into the habit of commuting during our free time, working far from home. We sometimes move cities to get a promotion at the corporate HQ or to keep a career at a company that relocated. If we don’t move, our friends may to get ahead in their careers. These constraints imposed by office work separated us from our families, communities, and friends. With acceptance of remote work growing, hopefully fewer people will feel they must move to have a career. If that happens, people will live more places. That will improve the odds that people who can’t work remotely can, at least, work closer to home. It’s possible clubs and activity groups will make a comeback. I’ve observed signs of this already, having recently met people that are joining clubs or arts groups to replace the pure social aspects of the office. I’ve also met early career people who are excited to be living near their high school friends and families. And I know others who are happy to be able to move away, but keep a good job.
pushpankar 4y ago
It is not that work friends can not be long term friends. I met one of my closest friend when we were working for a startup. There is something about big companies which prevents people from making true friends. And I think it is the collective belief that "work friends are not true friends". People don't want to share their mind freely with each other and there is good reason for that. We fear that we might speak something which is inappropriate. We are trying to be politically correct all the time. I am pretty sure I have offended people during college but that didn't not matter in long term. One can't always be just neutral or positive.

by n_ary 4y ago

zhdc1 4y ago

> Loneliness I had to read through your comment a couple of times. From the sound of it, you’re likely in a better position than many other people here, and what worries you isn’t the lack of social contact but the depth and quality of it. This is a common issue that a lot or even most people face as they get older. I think that a lot of us have been able to fill this gap by finding significant others and starting families. I wonder if the trend towards settling down at later ages and holding off on having a child - or forgoing it altogether - is also part of the issue. Social media doesn’t help, but the answer to that is to stop using it, or, at the very least, to keep yourself from using platforms that encourage comparisons.

squishy47 4y ago
i think i fair ammount of it is that it's difficult to do things spontaniously anymore. when i was little, my parents friends just used to show up and see what was going on, hang out, have a drink, whatever. and i think this kinda builds that friendship, as it's the random shit ppl do together that builds the bond (best example is the Friends tv show) or when you're a teen and there's nothing to do so you just hang out with your friends. (that 70's show) it seems really difficult to do that anymore because you can stay friends with someon on socials but then they live 2hr drive away. also it seems less accepted to just show up at someones house, also lives are really busy, so everything has to be scheduled now, otherwise you'll be interrupting things. (sorry for the poorly structured brain dump.)
- dazc 4y ago
  Just showing up is something that has definitely gone out of fashion. I have family I barely see because meeting up requires advanced notice. Even then it feels like an inconvenience, hence, other than weddings and funerals, I don't bother.
  - ratww 4y ago
    Even phone calls need advanced notice these days I personally have an arrangement with some friends: they can call me or pop over any time… but they have to accept I might be busy, and vice versa. So far it has worked because we’re all too lazy to be doing anything other than hanging out.
  - invig 4y ago
    What do you think causes this?
    - ajmurmann 4y ago
      A few theories: We prioritize unimportant stuff over people. Examples: going to the gym, grocery shopping Too much ceremony around the actual meeting. Your place gotta be tidy, you gotta be a good host etc. I have neighbors I really like who moved in ~6-8 months ago. We had them over twice and visited their place once. Each time each party made a huge effort. My wife made us clean our place for the better part of the day and every time we visited someone clearly had spent hours cooking and prepping stuff. Nobody wants to do this all the time. I even brought this up explicitly that we all gotta chill the f out about being super hosts. Everyone nodded and I am sure whoever hosts next time won't put much less work in. Cultural change. I don't even know how to get to the place where I would just walk to my neighbor to "hang out". It feels like everything these days needs to have a reason and a plan. And this is in the rare case where you actually could walk over and don't have to drive 20 minutes to find out your friends took their kid to swim class.

rr808 4y ago

I think its a good time to take the initiative and invite a neighbor around for dinner or even dessert one night. I'm not sure why Parents and Grandparents were better at this but the younger generation maybe isn't as good at realizing social interaction is important and you have to initiate at least 50% of the time.

mch82 4y ago

Your answer is a good one. I’m optimistic that remote work can help society reverse course on the constraints that have trapped people into loneliness. We got into the habit of commuting during our free time, working far from home. We sometimes move cities to get a promotion at the corporate HQ or to keep a career at a company that relocated. If we don’t move, our friends may to get ahead in their careers. These constraints imposed by office work separated us from our families, communities, and friends. With acceptance of remote work growing, hopefully fewer people will feel they must move to have a career. If that happens, people will live more places. That will improve the odds that people who can’t work remotely can, at least, work closer to home. It’s possible clubs and activity groups will make a comeback. I’ve observed signs of this already, having recently met people that are joining clubs or arts groups to replace the pure social aspects of the office. I’ve also met early career people who are excited to be living near their high school friends and families. And I know others who are happy to be able to move away, but keep a good job.

pushpankar 4y ago

It is not that work friends can not be long term friends. I met one of my closest friend when we were working for a startup. There is something about big companies which prevents people from making true friends. And I think it is the collective belief that "work friends are not true friends". People don't want to share their mind freely with each other and there is good reason for that. We fear that we might speak something which is inappropriate. We are trying to be politically correct all the time. I am pretty sure I have offended people during college but that didn't not matter in long term. One can't always be just neutral or positive.