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I skipped all this being religious. I knew my wife for years. Over a year we started to hit it off and got to know each other as good friends. I asked her out a

by xupybd 5y ago

I skipped all this being religious. I knew my wife for years. Over a year we started to hit it off and got to know each other as good friends. I asked her out and proposed one week later. Four months later we were married. It's old fashioned but our emotional and physical involvement was proportional to our level of commitment at every stage. It won't be the way most people want to go but it seems to have saved much of the heart ache modern dating appears to cause. Just one data point from someone that did it a little different.

raxxorraxor 5y ago
The vast majority of married couples I know never used any dating app or even went dating at all. They mostly came together by chance. I don't think this is unusual and almost none of them are religious at all aside from keeping some traditions (mostly u-boat Christians that surface once a year to Christmas). There seem to be huge socioeconomic differences here though and some groups tend to dating apps far more than others. An exception of people in public or media personalities who also deviate here the most.
bell-cot 5y ago
So long as both partner's actual wants and feelings aren't too far off script (which sadly can be difficult, dangerous, or impossible to voice in many religious contexts), that is a vastly more efficient system. In many ways, I see the huge, oft-miserable mess that we have now as a reaction to the too-often simplistic and callous imposition of that old religious system.
fellowniusmonk 5y ago
Similar experience, opposite conclusions. There is a reason religious areas (in the U.S.) have higher divorce rates. Turned out my first wife didn't want intimacy of any sort. She wanted marriage but not a relationship beyond the superficial. 10 years later and about >40k in therapy and I divorced her after she admitted she just was never that "attached" to me. I would never advocate a person getting married before sex. Sex is only some life altering emotional thing because of it's scarcity and how people have been inculcated to believe a common animalistic imperative has cosmic spiritual significance. Happily married now to someone with a similar story, they did everything right and their partner just didn't want to be with someone of the opposite sex any longer. It takes two to tango but it only takes one person to pick up their ball and go home. Advice to any kids I ever had would be, have casual sex and relationships until you've developed a better understanding of other people (and also yourself), no marriage until after proof your potential partner is capable of holistic intimacy.

by xupybd 5y ago

raxxorraxor 5y ago

The vast majority of married couples I know never used any dating app or even went dating at all. They mostly came together by chance. I don't think this is unusual and almost none of them are religious at all aside from keeping some traditions (mostly u-boat Christians that surface once a year to Christmas). There seem to be huge socioeconomic differences here though and some groups tend to dating apps far more than others. An exception of people in public or media personalities who also deviate here the most.

bell-cot 5y ago

So long as both partner's actual wants and feelings aren't too far off script (which sadly can be difficult, dangerous, or impossible to voice in many religious contexts), that is a vastly more efficient system. In many ways, I see the huge, oft-miserable mess that we have now as a reaction to the too-often simplistic and callous imposition of that old religious system.

fellowniusmonk 5y ago

Similar experience, opposite conclusions. There is a reason religious areas (in the U.S.) have higher divorce rates. Turned out my first wife didn't want intimacy of any sort. She wanted marriage but not a relationship beyond the superficial. 10 years later and about >40k in therapy and I divorced her after she admitted she just was never that "attached" to me. I would never advocate a person getting married before sex. Sex is only some life altering emotional thing because of it's scarcity and how people have been inculcated to believe a common animalistic imperative has cosmic spiritual significance. Happily married now to someone with a similar story, they did everything right and their partner just didn't want to be with someone of the opposite sex any longer. It takes two to tango but it only takes one person to pick up their ball and go home. Advice to any kids I ever had would be, have casual sex and relationships until you've developed a better understanding of other people (and also yourself), no marriage until after proof your potential partner is capable of holistic intimacy.