5 ms·

Tbh ghosting isn't as bad as saying one thing and then making excuses to not go through it. I've been on dates where I thought it went well, I got the "let's d

by djbebs 4y ago

Tbh ghosting isn't as bad as saying one thing and then making excuses to not go through it. I've been on dates where I thought it went well, I got the "let's do this again", and then whenever I suggested "let's do it again on X day?" I get excuses. If they don't want to that's fine, they don't even have to say no just don't reply! But the leading on is annoying...

fxtentacle 4y ago
That might also be a communication mismatch. I've seen this situation a few times: Woman says "let's do this [going shopping as friends] again" and then later they are surprised when the Man suggests "let's do this [going on a date as potential partners] again". The [] part is implied and never said, which is why the miscommunication happens.
- omniglottal 4y ago
  It's pretty clear to see that such miscommunication rises from a person's responsibility to be honest. "Let's do this again!" implies intent. If that intent does not actually exist, focus should be on such a lie and, by extension, the liar. While such (mis)communication becomes cultural, that still doesn't make it effective. Defending it is about wise as justifying the previously predominant signalling of women playing "hard to get" with someone they actually wanted to "get" them, and saying "no" while meaning "yes", yet being surprised at the subsequent rise in rape culture.
librish 4y ago
I think you might be interpreting this wrong. The "let's do this again" after the date is meaningless, that's just a social nicety no matter how the date went. When you ask them out and they give an excuse and no alternative I would interpret that as she didn't think the date went that well. Which leaves you with a couple of options: If you also were ambivalent about the date you now have the option of just fading out while both parties save face. If you really liked her and think you'll be a good match you can try and rescue the situation by suggesting a better date (better being some combination of more thoughtful, more expensive, or more personal). You're a little on the back foot but in my experience a lot of successful relationships start this way so you're by no means down and out.
- omniglottal 4y ago
  Wouldn't it be preferable for the meaning of words to be reflected in the chosen combination of the words, themselves, instead of the (sub)culturally current, elusive content of the dog whistle tone behind them? Anything else reeks of an Orwellian dystopia to me.
- TheOtherHobbes 4y ago
  The phrase used to be "Actions speak louder than words." If someone is perpetually unavailable, they're perpetually unavailable. Of course it's clearer if the other person says "I just don't think we're a good match", but actionable ambiguity is much more common.
shoo 4y ago
there are a number of factors involved -- but i reckon one factor to keep in mind is that some fraction of the population may become aggressive if rejected in person, so if you don't know your date well and have no idea how they might react, you might be more concerned about disengaging from the in-person situation safely than being completely open and up front about what you're thinking.
- bell-cot 4y ago
  Ugh...but yeah, +1. OTOH - my sad impression is that quite a few women, especially very young ones, have so many wired-in anxieties / fears / areas of passivity that they'd have a hard time saying "no" to a guy who's receiving Last Rites (and not just out of charity for the dying). Hopefully, checking that is on the First Date Checklist in at least a few guy's guides... "#7 Verify that she can pleasantly but clearly say no to an oddball suggestion or few. If she actually answers 'yes' to skydiving, learning to read Egyptian hieroglyphs, and baking a cake for your birthday - then she has some issues that you really don't want to be stuck with."
bell-cot 4y ago
Charitably put, they're pretty good at communicating that they're pretty bad at communicating. Slight kudos for doing it quite early in the not-a-relationship. (And pencil in checkmarks by #2 and/or #3 in the article's "...ways these norms cause suffering" list.) Or you could say they're using a different "rule book", or "language", or set of social conventions - which are great reasons to avoid someone.

by djbebs 4y ago

fxtentacle 4y ago

That might also be a communication mismatch. I've seen this situation a few times: Woman says "let's do this [going shopping as friends] again" and then later they are surprised when the Man suggests "let's do this [going on a date as potential partners] again". The [] part is implied and never said, which is why the miscommunication happens.

omniglottal 4y ago
It's pretty clear to see that such miscommunication rises from a person's responsibility to be honest. "Let's do this again!" implies intent. If that intent does not actually exist, focus should be on such a lie and, by extension, the liar. While such (mis)communication becomes cultural, that still doesn't make it effective. Defending it is about wise as justifying the previously predominant signalling of women playing "hard to get" with someone they actually wanted to "get" them, and saying "no" while meaning "yes", yet being surprised at the subsequent rise in rape culture.

librish 4y ago

I think you might be interpreting this wrong. The "let's do this again" after the date is meaningless, that's just a social nicety no matter how the date went. When you ask them out and they give an excuse and no alternative I would interpret that as she didn't think the date went that well. Which leaves you with a couple of options: If you also were ambivalent about the date you now have the option of just fading out while both parties save face. If you really liked her and think you'll be a good match you can try and rescue the situation by suggesting a better date (better being some combination of more thoughtful, more expensive, or more personal). You're a little on the back foot but in my experience a lot of successful relationships start this way so you're by no means down and out.

omniglottal 4y ago
Wouldn't it be preferable for the meaning of words to be reflected in the chosen combination of the words, themselves, instead of the (sub)culturally current, elusive content of the dog whistle tone behind them? Anything else reeks of an Orwellian dystopia to me.
TheOtherHobbes 4y ago
The phrase used to be "Actions speak louder than words." If someone is perpetually unavailable, they're perpetually unavailable. Of course it's clearer if the other person says "I just don't think we're a good match", but actionable ambiguity is much more common.

shoo 4y ago

there are a number of factors involved -- but i reckon one factor to keep in mind is that some fraction of the population may become aggressive if rejected in person, so if you don't know your date well and have no idea how they might react, you might be more concerned about disengaging from the in-person situation safely than being completely open and up front about what you're thinking.

bell-cot 4y ago
Ugh...but yeah, +1. OTOH - my sad impression is that quite a few women, especially very young ones, have so many wired-in anxieties / fears / areas of passivity that they'd have a hard time saying "no" to a guy who's receiving Last Rites (and not just out of charity for the dying). Hopefully, checking that is on the First Date Checklist in at least a few guy's guides... "#7 Verify that she can pleasantly but clearly say no to an oddball suggestion or few. If she actually answers 'yes' to skydiving, learning to read Egyptian hieroglyphs, and baking a cake for your birthday - then she has some issues that you really don't want to be stuck with."

bell-cot 4y ago

Charitably put, they're pretty good at communicating that they're pretty bad at communicating. Slight kudos for doing it quite early in the not-a-relationship. (And pencil in checkmarks by #2 and/or #3 in the article's "...ways these norms cause suffering" list.) Or you could say they're using a different "rule book", or "language", or set of social conventions - which are great reasons to avoid someone.