I wanted to write what you wrote, but yours is on point and way more eloquent. I agree with this comment 100%. To OP: please, do look for professional help. It

I wanted to write what you wrote, but yours is on point and way more eloquent. I agree with this comment 100%. To OP: please, do look for professional help. It's impossible to play dr. House online, but if I pair my experience of dealing with people with the problem you described, I would guess that you're not happy to begin with - and that spilled over to your career life. Explore whether there's a root problem, if yes - solve that problem. Then the symptoms will go away.