5 ms·

Makes sense. The people I've seen with problem relationships have more emotional issues and that's often when things like drug use and bad decisions go hand in

Makes sense. The people I've seen with problem relationships have more emotional issues and that's often when things like drug use and bad decisions go hand in hand. The good news is I have a wonderful wife who I get along with really well. However, the further into my 30s I go the fewer friends I seem to have. Moving to a new country and the pandemic definitely didn't help. Where do people approaching middle age meet friends these days? Everyone always seems to in their own bubble and wants to fight about politics or other wedge issues instead of just chilling for lack of a better word.

throwawayboise 4y ago
> Where do people approaching middle age meet friends these days? For me it was parents of my kids' friends, often via sports or other group activities that the kids were all involved in. Those friendships fade quickly once the kids grow up, by the way, as there is no longer the common connection. I've made some attempts to maintain these, but they generally are not reciprocated and at some point you just stop with the one-sided effort. I have not discovered the secret to long-lasting friendships, if there is one. They all seem to rely on common proximity (school, work, gym, etc.) and they don't really hold up if and when those things change. I have not had any friendships that ever lasted very long past graduations, job changes, moves, retirements, etc. I think that's basically natural, and that friendships really depend on some outside set of factors that keep people coming together for the same things.
- moonshinefe 4y ago
  Thanks for the response. That's been kind of my experience too (hard to keep them when not close / with something in common). I suppose I'll need to find a new hobby at some point here and meet people that way.
Barrin92 4y ago
>wants to fight about politics or other wedge issues It's always so funny that this is brought up on HN as a reason for lack of socialization or problem so often. One of the biggest and most durable parts of my social life is being a member of a political party, which I have been in since I was 16 years old. Being involved in civic/political life means you have connections with people from all walks of life across all generations and backgrounds. just wanting to chill is the actual problem because I don't think these suburban soccermom type social circles sustain meaningful relationships. Participating in public life is the most straightforward way to build social relationships that matter. There was another great post here a few weeks ago from someone explaining why he continues to serve in the British Yeomanry. https://chrisseaton.com/army/ https://chrisseaton.com/army/
- escapedmoose 4y ago
  Right. It seems a bit odd that our goal in friendships is often to find someone who will “just sit and chill.” If you want any diversity in your friendships, they’ll likely need to be made “shoulder to shoulder,” ie when working toward a common cause.
  - throwawayboise 4y ago
    Agreed, and it also seems to me that most adults, at least the ones leading something like meaningful lives, don't have a lot of time to "just sit and chill." When my kids were young I rarely did, there was always something going on. Now that they are older and out of the house, I have more time for myself but I'm using that time, not just sitting around (mostly not, anyway).
  - moonshinefe 4y ago
    I didn't say _sit_ and chill, I just said chill and don't want politics to be the cornerstone of the friendship or something that comes up often. Partisan politics is extremely prominent here and I have no end of places to discuss them if I wanted. I don't think it's outrageous to want a hobby other than discussing politics being the main thing I connect to people on.
- moonshinefe 4y ago
  To clarify I meant chill as in not getting into heated politics or religious debates. If the claim is people can't find meaningful friendships without wedge issues being a cornerstone, then I respectfully disagree. I've had these before, but as mentioned the issue was moving and getting older when people drift apart.
holoduke 4y ago
Similar story for me. It changed once i moved out of the city with kids to a residential area. Since then 3 years have passed and the quality of my social life increased dramatically. Of course this didn't just came around. I did put a lot of effort in getting new friends. But it's certainly easier in an environment where people live similar lifes.

throwawayboise 4y ago

> Where do people approaching middle age meet friends these days? For me it was parents of my kids' friends, often via sports or other group activities that the kids were all involved in. Those friendships fade quickly once the kids grow up, by the way, as there is no longer the common connection. I've made some attempts to maintain these, but they generally are not reciprocated and at some point you just stop with the one-sided effort. I have not discovered the secret to long-lasting friendships, if there is one. They all seem to rely on common proximity (school, work, gym, etc.) and they don't really hold up if and when those things change. I have not had any friendships that ever lasted very long past graduations, job changes, moves, retirements, etc. I think that's basically natural, and that friendships really depend on some outside set of factors that keep people coming together for the same things.

moonshinefe 4y ago
Thanks for the response. That's been kind of my experience too (hard to keep them when not close / with something in common). I suppose I'll need to find a new hobby at some point here and meet people that way.

Barrin92 4y ago

>wants to fight about politics or other wedge issues It's always so funny that this is brought up on HN as a reason for lack of socialization or problem so often. One of the biggest and most durable parts of my social life is being a member of a political party, which I have been in since I was 16 years old. Being involved in civic/political life means you have connections with people from all walks of life across all generations and backgrounds. just wanting to chill is the actual problem because I don't think these suburban soccermom type social circles sustain meaningful relationships. Participating in public life is the most straightforward way to build social relationships that matter. There was another great post here a few weeks ago from someone explaining why he continues to serve in the British Yeomanry. https://chrisseaton.com/army/ https://chrisseaton.com/army/

escapedmoose 4y ago
Right. It seems a bit odd that our goal in friendships is often to find someone who will “just sit and chill.” If you want any diversity in your friendships, they’ll likely need to be made “shoulder to shoulder,” ie when working toward a common cause.
- throwawayboise 4y ago
  Agreed, and it also seems to me that most adults, at least the ones leading something like meaningful lives, don't have a lot of time to "just sit and chill." When my kids were young I rarely did, there was always something going on. Now that they are older and out of the house, I have more time for myself but I'm using that time, not just sitting around (mostly not, anyway).
- moonshinefe 4y ago
  I didn't say _sit_ and chill, I just said chill and don't want politics to be the cornerstone of the friendship or something that comes up often. Partisan politics is extremely prominent here and I have no end of places to discuss them if I wanted. I don't think it's outrageous to want a hobby other than discussing politics being the main thing I connect to people on.
moonshinefe 4y ago
To clarify I meant chill as in not getting into heated politics or religious debates. If the claim is people can't find meaningful friendships without wedge issues being a cornerstone, then I respectfully disagree. I've had these before, but as mentioned the issue was moving and getting older when people drift apart.

holoduke 4y ago

Similar story for me. It changed once i moved out of the city with kids to a residential area. Since then 3 years have passed and the quality of my social life increased dramatically. Of course this didn't just came around. I did put a lot of effort in getting new friends. But it's certainly easier in an environment where people live similar lifes.