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A few days ago there was an Ask HN about how do you get along with your parents [1]. I've been reading a lot about this and other related topics, like how does

A few days ago there was an Ask HN about how do you get along with your parents [1]. I've been reading a lot about this and other related topics, like how does one deal with narcissistic parents, which is a common thing actually. There's a lot of abuse that no one notices as it is not immediately evident as other sorts of abuse (i.e. physical, sexual, etc...), child neglect is so widespread nowadays that I'd consider it an epidemic. I recall reading a testimony of a child who was constantly and severely emotionally abused and he was talking about how come none of the other adults around him realized what was going on, even though he "was showing all the signs of living in an abusive household". The thing is that all of these signs are quite subtle and you have to know what you're looking for in order to start noticing them. For instance, the kid who almost never wants to be noticed, who is quite "shy", who is always complying with everybody may be under a chronic situation of ridiculing, demeaning or derogatory remarks at home, which has modeled this behavior and, sadly, stunted his emotional and social development. As I was reading this story, I couldn't stop thinking about how the boy would rather risk it into the wild rather than just coming back to his parents, for three years. This is a huge red flag, honestly, and while it doesn't necessarily imply wrongdoing from the parent's side it is definitely something that should be looked at with a lot of care and empathy for him. Sometimes, not even parents are aware of the kind of damage that they could be causing by choosing to behave in a way they consider to be "normal". I wish the boy the best, he still has his whole life ahead of him and I hope he finds his place in this world soon and without much trouble. 1: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31047608 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=31047608

chrismeller 5y ago
You know what, I don’t talk about it… at all. It wasn’t until 20 years later and after I’d moved to a different continent and started seeing a therapist for completely unrelated reasons, but the therapist asked me what my childhood was like. I’d always thought mine was “fine” or “normal”. Divorced parents, like my friends. Younger brother and I living with our mother, like my friends. Aggressively “middle class”, like my friends. I described one time how my mother would (frequently) get home from a long day at work, not ask how our days were, start cooking dinner (Hamburger Helper or similar), and then one of us kids would ask an innocent question and she would fly off the handle. Turn off the stove mid-meal, storm to her room and slam the door. There was always plenty of cereal, sandwich meat, and canned soup in the house, so it’s not like we went hungry. Again, I thought it was normal. I’m now very closely approaching 40 and finally coming to terms with what that seemingly insignificant thing (to her) did to me. I’m not expecting every parent to have a guidebook for survival with kids, but WTF. Hey, at least I ended up being fiercely independent and learned to cook. I’m sure this kid (man now) will soldier through… he’s obviously survived this long on his own.
- moralestapia 5y ago
  It's good that you are opening to discuss and go through this. The point is not to hold a grudge against anybody but to learn and become a better person onwards. Perhaps you have or will have kids one day and then you'll be able to have a better time with them and that alone will make it worth it. >at least I ended up being fiercely independent and learned to cook. This, fortunately or unfortunately, is one of the outcomes of growing up like that. You learn to do on your own and become very resilient. That usually pays off later in life, so it has some sort of a silver lining.
  - throwawaylinux 5y ago
    > It's good that you are opening to discuss and go through this. Is it? I don't intend to hijack OP's particular story but I'm actually very interested in this assertion and I know nothing of the scientific evidence for psychology. So this is an honest question not a troll... Is it actually good for people to "open up" and "work through" things? I know that's the accepted wisdom, but what good has it been proven to do? Are you actually more likely to become a better person? How is that measured?

chrismeller 5y ago

You know what, I don’t talk about it… at all. It wasn’t until 20 years later and after I’d moved to a different continent and started seeing a therapist for completely unrelated reasons, but the therapist asked me what my childhood was like. I’d always thought mine was “fine” or “normal”. Divorced parents, like my friends. Younger brother and I living with our mother, like my friends. Aggressively “middle class”, like my friends. I described one time how my mother would (frequently) get home from a long day at work, not ask how our days were, start cooking dinner (Hamburger Helper or similar), and then one of us kids would ask an innocent question and she would fly off the handle. Turn off the stove mid-meal, storm to her room and slam the door. There was always plenty of cereal, sandwich meat, and canned soup in the house, so it’s not like we went hungry. Again, I thought it was normal. I’m now very closely approaching 40 and finally coming to terms with what that seemingly insignificant thing (to her) did to me. I’m not expecting every parent to have a guidebook for survival with kids, but WTF. Hey, at least I ended up being fiercely independent and learned to cook. I’m sure this kid (man now) will soldier through… he’s obviously survived this long on his own.

moralestapia 5y ago
It's good that you are opening to discuss and go through this. The point is not to hold a grudge against anybody but to learn and become a better person onwards. Perhaps you have or will have kids one day and then you'll be able to have a better time with them and that alone will make it worth it. >at least I ended up being fiercely independent and learned to cook. This, fortunately or unfortunately, is one of the outcomes of growing up like that. You learn to do on your own and become very resilient. That usually pays off later in life, so it has some sort of a silver lining.
- throwawaylinux 5y ago
  > It's good that you are opening to discuss and go through this. Is it? I don't intend to hijack OP's particular story but I'm actually very interested in this assertion and I know nothing of the scientific evidence for psychology. So this is an honest question not a troll... Is it actually good for people to "open up" and "work through" things? I know that's the accepted wisdom, but what good has it been proven to do? Are you actually more likely to become a better person? How is that measured?