3 ms·

Your mom sounds like a nice person - maybe all you need is an honest conversation with her, tell her that, while you love her and respect her good intentions, t

Your mom sounds like a nice person - maybe all you need is an honest conversation with her, tell her that, while you love her and respect her good intentions, there are times where I would really want to be left alone - like during work etc. It sounds like your mom is yearning for affection and probably overdoing it (and treating you like a kid) - and not knowing it had the opposite effect on you.

samh748 4y ago
I would be careful about this "honest conversation". From what the commenter (giantg2) described, their mom sounds like someone who has pretty serious "attachment" issues (may not be the formal word for it), in the way she over-does her care and niceness. It seems like something that stems from a core wound deep inside, from her upbringing/environment/generation/etc. From my experience, sometimes these honest conversations make the person even more hostile and freak out to insane degrees. Especially for an older generation, their understanding of love and the language around it will be basically set in stone. So being honest can often trigger them in ways we cannot predict. Of course, not everyone is like that. But I would be very careful about this, because there's a chance it might make things a lot worse. So what are we to do in a situation like this? It's possible to tend to her tendencies indirectly. Instead of directly responding to her gestures (which will likely trigger her -- it is her love language after all), maybe there are things you (giantg2) can do at other occasions that will make her feel loved, so that she's more settled in general, if that makes any sense. Worth a try I think.
samh748 4y ago
Sorry, another point to add: Basically, from my observations, people who over-do niceness often have a profound fear of criticism. That's exactly why they over-do nice in the first place, and keep asking questions to make sure they "get it right" (and thus, avoid criticism). So giving them honest feedback may backfire.
- giantg2 4y ago
  This. I tried nicely explaining multiple times, but it seems this is the case. The attachment issues are there too - like she needs people to constantly care for (she does some volunteer work, so that helps). At this point I just try to leave it alone, be patient, and be kind.

samh748 4y ago

I would be careful about this "honest conversation". From what the commenter (giantg2) described, their mom sounds like someone who has pretty serious "attachment" issues (may not be the formal word for it), in the way she over-does her care and niceness. It seems like something that stems from a core wound deep inside, from her upbringing/environment/generation/etc. From my experience, sometimes these honest conversations make the person even more hostile and freak out to insane degrees. Especially for an older generation, their understanding of love and the language around it will be basically set in stone. So being honest can often trigger them in ways we cannot predict. Of course, not everyone is like that. But I would be very careful about this, because there's a chance it might make things a lot worse. So what are we to do in a situation like this? It's possible to tend to her tendencies indirectly. Instead of directly responding to her gestures (which will likely trigger her -- it is her love language after all), maybe there are things you (giantg2) can do at other occasions that will make her feel loved, so that she's more settled in general, if that makes any sense. Worth a try I think.

samh748 4y ago

Sorry, another point to add: Basically, from my observations, people who over-do niceness often have a profound fear of criticism. That's exactly why they over-do nice in the first place, and keep asking questions to make sure they "get it right" (and thus, avoid criticism). So giving them honest feedback may backfire.

giantg2 4y ago
This. I tried nicely explaining multiple times, but it seems this is the case. The attachment issues are there too - like she needs people to constantly care for (she does some volunteer work, so that helps). At this point I just try to leave it alone, be patient, and be kind.