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I am reading this thread as a parent and terrified - when people say their parents were emotionally unavailable and very immature - how can I make sure my kids

I am reading this thread as a parent and terrified - when people say their parents were emotionally unavailable and very immature - how can I make sure my kids are not thinking this about me in a few years?

sparker72678 4y ago
The fact that it occurs to you to care about that is a good sign.
throw-9826734 4y ago
In my experience, at one point I realized that my mom only really cared about me from the point of view of how it affected her. She would ask me questions about my life only so she could tell me her opinions and feelings about it. It seems that she's not really aware or capable of taking an interest in my feelings or thoughts (despite me trying repeatedly to point this out to her). She asks me about my job and my salary, I think because it comforts her to know that I've "made it" and that she made good decisions in my upbringing. She doesn't really ask me about how I feel about my work - if I like it or have difficulties with certain elements. When I moved (closer, then further away) the only conversations we had about it were about how nice it would be to have me closer, and how sad they would be for me to leave. She never wondered why I chose to move, or what I liked about living in one place or another. And then there are certain things that she never asks me at all. I'm married, but she never asked me about what I like about my wife, or what our relationship is like. When me and my wife told her that we were thinking about having children, her reaction was that "she didn't feel old enough to be a grandparent". It's strange because she obviously cares about me in some capacity. It's very important to her that we keep up communications and that I'm near... but she just seems to have this total blind spot about the total lack of connection in our relationship. I think one of my goals as a parent is to make sure I take a genuine interest in my children and try to understand what kind of people they are.
- margor 4y ago
  This literally reads like I would describe my parents. Dot for dot, it's same reaction to the same statements that I made to my parents. What really enlighten me, however, is reading this site: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html This is about the world of estranged parent's forums, how they react, how they write about their children when they don't want to contact them, or when they make it clear why they treat them such way. If you care enough to learn about this behavior more (although, I've to admit, it's hard to accept what is said there on the site), I strongly recommend giving a read of this site, it takes about one/two evenings to go through all the stories there. Tl;dr is that some people are just wired this way, it's like they literally have a blockage somewhere in their mind, that doesn't allow them to express themselves any other way, such as more compassionate people do it. Once you learn that, talking with them becomes easier once you recognize the patterns.
samh748 4y ago
What I've learned from all the years of personal growth and raising a family, is that love, especially with children, is about being responsive to their needs. All too often I see parents impose their definition of "love"/"care"/etc onto the children, and expect them to take it. Or, blame the children for not "learning" this "proper" version of love/care. This is complete BS. We cannot expect children to do what adults are supposed to do. Which brings me to another point that I've come to believe, which is that, people shouldn't have kids without having first dealt with their own egos and grown significantly through it. Otherwise, we end up power-struggling with our children and take away the only thing they need most, ie genuine love and affection from the parents. A lot to unpack, but that's the gist of it.
Trasmatta 4y ago
I think the most important thing is to pay attention to and take care of your own emotional and mental state. Reach for outside help when you need it, and be careful about avoiding a role reversal with your kids. That seems to be a common phenomenon with parents like this: they begin to seek emotional comfort, validation, and support from their children, rather than the other way around. It would probably help to read that book itself to see if you notice any of those behaviors in yourself. If you do, seeking out therapy could help you learn to handle those issues in a more healthy way. And all that being said: being a parent is incredibly hard. Be forgiving to yourself when you're not perfect. Even the best parents in the world find it challenging, and even their kids probably resent them while they're teenagers.
margor 4y ago
First step you already made - you ask these questions, and you question yourself if you do well. You're way ahead of some other people (see my other comment in this thread about estranged parents). The fact that you try to understand, that you're able to conceive that you might do something wrong, even if not on purpose, puts you miles ahead in being a good parent. Just try to be aware of your emotions, how you talk with your children, and that you're able to understand what they're trying to tell you (this is the most important IMO). Do that, and everything else will work out. Source: Raised by family of high-functioning narcissists.

sparker72678 4y ago

The fact that it occurs to you to care about that is a good sign.

throw-9826734 4y ago

In my experience, at one point I realized that my mom only really cared about me from the point of view of how it affected her. She would ask me questions about my life only so she could tell me her opinions and feelings about it. It seems that she's not really aware or capable of taking an interest in my feelings or thoughts (despite me trying repeatedly to point this out to her). She asks me about my job and my salary, I think because it comforts her to know that I've "made it" and that she made good decisions in my upbringing. She doesn't really ask me about how I feel about my work - if I like it or have difficulties with certain elements. When I moved (closer, then further away) the only conversations we had about it were about how nice it would be to have me closer, and how sad they would be for me to leave. She never wondered why I chose to move, or what I liked about living in one place or another. And then there are certain things that she never asks me at all. I'm married, but she never asked me about what I like about my wife, or what our relationship is like. When me and my wife told her that we were thinking about having children, her reaction was that "she didn't feel old enough to be a grandparent". It's strange because she obviously cares about me in some capacity. It's very important to her that we keep up communications and that I'm near... but she just seems to have this total blind spot about the total lack of connection in our relationship. I think one of my goals as a parent is to make sure I take a genuine interest in my children and try to understand what kind of people they are.

margor 4y ago
This literally reads like I would describe my parents. Dot for dot, it's same reaction to the same statements that I made to my parents. What really enlighten me, however, is reading this site: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html This is about the world of estranged parent's forums, how they react, how they write about their children when they don't want to contact them, or when they make it clear why they treat them such way. If you care enough to learn about this behavior more (although, I've to admit, it's hard to accept what is said there on the site), I strongly recommend giving a read of this site, it takes about one/two evenings to go through all the stories there. Tl;dr is that some people are just wired this way, it's like they literally have a blockage somewhere in their mind, that doesn't allow them to express themselves any other way, such as more compassionate people do it. Once you learn that, talking with them becomes easier once you recognize the patterns.

samh748 4y ago

What I've learned from all the years of personal growth and raising a family, is that love, especially with children, is about being responsive to their needs. All too often I see parents impose their definition of "love"/"care"/etc onto the children, and expect them to take it. Or, blame the children for not "learning" this "proper" version of love/care. This is complete BS. We cannot expect children to do what adults are supposed to do. Which brings me to another point that I've come to believe, which is that, people shouldn't have kids without having first dealt with their own egos and grown significantly through it. Otherwise, we end up power-struggling with our children and take away the only thing they need most, ie genuine love and affection from the parents. A lot to unpack, but that's the gist of it.

Trasmatta 4y ago

I think the most important thing is to pay attention to and take care of your own emotional and mental state. Reach for outside help when you need it, and be careful about avoiding a role reversal with your kids. That seems to be a common phenomenon with parents like this: they begin to seek emotional comfort, validation, and support from their children, rather than the other way around. It would probably help to read that book itself to see if you notice any of those behaviors in yourself. If you do, seeking out therapy could help you learn to handle those issues in a more healthy way. And all that being said: being a parent is incredibly hard. Be forgiving to yourself when you're not perfect. Even the best parents in the world find it challenging, and even their kids probably resent them while they're teenagers.

margor 4y ago

First step you already made - you ask these questions, and you question yourself if you do well. You're way ahead of some other people (see my other comment in this thread about estranged parents). The fact that you try to understand, that you're able to conceive that you might do something wrong, even if not on purpose, puts you miles ahead in being a good parent. Just try to be aware of your emotions, how you talk with your children, and that you're able to understand what they're trying to tell you (this is the most important IMO). Do that, and everything else will work out. Source: Raised by family of high-functioning narcissists.