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I'm really successful. It shocks other people if I tell them the details about how bad my relationship was with my parents growing up, so I don't. I feel super

I'm really successful. It shocks other people if I tell them the details about how bad my relationship was with my parents growing up, so I don't. I feel super lonely and alienated about it. I don't feel comfortable in the communities online where people talk about stuff like this because either I think their issue is too mild for them to understand my experience or I feel like my issues aren't bad enough to count. Someone once told me I seemed like a person who had never experienced personal hardships, ha. Only ever had one friend I could talk to about it. Wish I knew how to feel less lonely about it

Beltalowda 4y ago
> It shocks other people if I tell them the details about how bad my relationship was with my parents growing up, so I don't. I've noticed this as well, with comments like "wow, it's amazing you turned out so well!" after I tell them a bit about my youth and parents. Ehh, okay? What did you expect me to do? Sit in a corner and cry all day about my lost childhood? You see the same when some people talk about disabled people (either by birth or accident). "Oh he's in a wheelchair after the accident, but he's still enjoying life, how brave!" Yeah mate, you don't really have a choice do you? Anyway, I don't feel particularly lonely or alienated about it; as far as I'm concerned it is what it is. I can talk to my brother about it (and do sometimes) but it's not really something I "need". I'm sorry to say that I don't really have any suggestions on that part except maybe seek out a therapist if you're really struggling with it.
- anonacct 4y ago
  I finally have a really good therapist, yeah. On some other thread recently someone described therapy as a 100x profession which feels true. I worry I'm a challenging, stubborn client but I'll "get there" eventually I think Talking about it with intimate partners or close friends is hardest, total strangers I'll never see again is easier. I don't want to be coddled in a relationship and I get icked out when people seem fascinated by it or admire me knowing I went through this stuff. There's also no way to ease into it, it's too abruptly concerning if I'm honest about it, it's like someone says "oh I had this challenge growing up" and wants me to mirror them emotionally and I don't have any true stories that are mild enough for that early level of intimacy? And given how normal I seem, if I do get honest, I worry it seems like I'm lying In my case my sibling was spared the bad experiences, wasn't present for the worst part, and has some issues that would prevent them offering emotional support. I think I also still resent them for having been spared these bad experiences, even though I know they're not to blame for that. I was sorta scapegoated I'm definitely "is what it is" about it in some ways, yeah, no desire to confront anyone or get any kind of resolution, it just left me with a lot problems not relating to other people or trusting them easily, and disliking myself Thanks for your comment. I really do need to find a way to feel less alone about it
  - samh748 4y ago
    Thank you for sharing your story. > either I think their issue is too mild for them to understand my experience or I feel like my issues aren't bad enough to count I totally resonate with this struggle. Not saying my problem is like yours, but being in this in-between place and not feeling like there's anyone out there that gets it. From my experience, the feeling of loneliness isn't something that can be "fixed" by simply finding a community, or even by having friends that care. Yes, feeling validated and heard are important, but there comes a time when we need more than that. That is where intimate relationships come in. The paradox here is that, it is exactly because of the closeness and vulnerability and potential hurt, that makes these relationships critical for healing. Many people we meet are not going to get us because of the depth of our wounds. But it's important to keep searching for someone who can meet us at our level. Intimate relationships, when done right, can be tremendously powerful in helping us heal from our wounds. They allow us to be fully ourselves, especially the ugliest parts that we couldn't face alone, and in providing that love, we start to learn to love ourselves and reconcile with our wounds. But as you said, it's hard to find these people. You never know how much to reveal, for fear of revealing too much and it's consequences. But I do believe that, you should keep your heart open and go into the world. If you hide too much, no one will see you for your depth, and you may miss out on opportunities that were right there in front of you. It's a balancing act, to be vulnerable enough for people to see the real you (or at least a hint of the real you, that there's something behind the curtain), and to maintain enough boundaries to not spill yourself over everyone you meet. If interested I'm always open to talk (email in profile). Relationships are hard and good advice is practically non-existent. Best of luck. :) EDIT: Basically, attachment problems can only be resolved by replacing it with healthy attachment. No amount of friendship or even therapy can heal that kind of wound. They help, certainly, but they won't heal it from the core.

Beltalowda 4y ago

> It shocks other people if I tell them the details about how bad my relationship was with my parents growing up, so I don't. I've noticed this as well, with comments like "wow, it's amazing you turned out so well!" after I tell them a bit about my youth and parents. Ehh, okay? What did you expect me to do? Sit in a corner and cry all day about my lost childhood? You see the same when some people talk about disabled people (either by birth or accident). "Oh he's in a wheelchair after the accident, but he's still enjoying life, how brave!" Yeah mate, you don't really have a choice do you? Anyway, I don't feel particularly lonely or alienated about it; as far as I'm concerned it is what it is. I can talk to my brother about it (and do sometimes) but it's not really something I "need". I'm sorry to say that I don't really have any suggestions on that part except maybe seek out a therapist if you're really struggling with it.

anonacct 4y ago
I finally have a really good therapist, yeah. On some other thread recently someone described therapy as a 100x profession which feels true. I worry I'm a challenging, stubborn client but I'll "get there" eventually I think Talking about it with intimate partners or close friends is hardest, total strangers I'll never see again is easier. I don't want to be coddled in a relationship and I get icked out when people seem fascinated by it or admire me knowing I went through this stuff. There's also no way to ease into it, it's too abruptly concerning if I'm honest about it, it's like someone says "oh I had this challenge growing up" and wants me to mirror them emotionally and I don't have any true stories that are mild enough for that early level of intimacy? And given how normal I seem, if I do get honest, I worry it seems like I'm lying In my case my sibling was spared the bad experiences, wasn't present for the worst part, and has some issues that would prevent them offering emotional support. I think I also still resent them for having been spared these bad experiences, even though I know they're not to blame for that. I was sorta scapegoated I'm definitely "is what it is" about it in some ways, yeah, no desire to confront anyone or get any kind of resolution, it just left me with a lot problems not relating to other people or trusting them easily, and disliking myself Thanks for your comment. I really do need to find a way to feel less alone about it
- samh748 4y ago
  Thank you for sharing your story. > either I think their issue is too mild for them to understand my experience or I feel like my issues aren't bad enough to count I totally resonate with this struggle. Not saying my problem is like yours, but being in this in-between place and not feeling like there's anyone out there that gets it. From my experience, the feeling of loneliness isn't something that can be "fixed" by simply finding a community, or even by having friends that care. Yes, feeling validated and heard are important, but there comes a time when we need more than that. That is where intimate relationships come in. The paradox here is that, it is exactly because of the closeness and vulnerability and potential hurt, that makes these relationships critical for healing. Many people we meet are not going to get us because of the depth of our wounds. But it's important to keep searching for someone who can meet us at our level. Intimate relationships, when done right, can be tremendously powerful in helping us heal from our wounds. They allow us to be fully ourselves, especially the ugliest parts that we couldn't face alone, and in providing that love, we start to learn to love ourselves and reconcile with our wounds. But as you said, it's hard to find these people. You never know how much to reveal, for fear of revealing too much and it's consequences. But I do believe that, you should keep your heart open and go into the world. If you hide too much, no one will see you for your depth, and you may miss out on opportunities that were right there in front of you. It's a balancing act, to be vulnerable enough for people to see the real you (or at least a hint of the real you, that there's something behind the curtain), and to maintain enough boundaries to not spill yourself over everyone you meet. If interested I'm always open to talk (email in profile). Relationships are hard and good advice is practically non-existent. Best of luck. :) EDIT: Basically, attachment problems can only be resolved by replacing it with healthy attachment. No amount of friendship or even therapy can heal that kind of wound. They help, certainly, but they won't heal it from the core.