3 ms·

Honestly - not great. We've never been super close. We are pretty vastly different w.r.t. politics but I've been the type of person to let it slide. With COV

Honestly - not great. We've never been super close. We are pretty vastly different w.r.t. politics but I've been the type of person to let it slide. With COVID and our newborn, the anti-vax approach they've had pushed us even further away. I haven't seen them in years because they won't vaccinate and I won't (knowingly) let un-vaccinated, high-exposure (as in, going out to eat all the time, taking no precautions) people interact with my daughter until she can get vaccinated. We just don't see eye-to-eye on almost all things and I don't have the patience to deal with it.

throwfaraway9 5y ago
giantg2 5y ago
"and I don't have the patience to deal with it." That's probably a better description than I could come up with for dealing with my mom. Sooo much patience is needed, and it's usually not enough to keep the frustration at bay. It results in talking to her infrequently. It sounds terrible but she's one of those people that is "too nice". My wife didn't believe me until we stayed at her house for a couple days, but now she gets more annoyed than I do. So it's not just me.
- Beltalowda 5y ago
  I'm curious how she's "too nice" and why so much patience is needed for that?
  - giantg2 5y ago
    It's difficult to explain. One example would be if she offers to get you a drink while you're working on something. She'll spend 3 minutes running down a list of every possible drink, even if you said you didn't want anything or just wanted water. She will repeat herself or go back and forth about if she has something or not, going into a story of why she thinks one way or the other. When you pick something she'll ask a bunch more questions about if you want a specific glass, do you want ice, etc. I honestly don't care. I didn't even want anything. I'm in the middle of stuff. Can we play 20 questions later?
    - leohonexus 5y ago
      Your mom sounds like a nice person - maybe all you need is an honest conversation with her, tell her that, while you love her and respect her good intentions, there are times where I would really want to be left alone - like during work etc. It sounds like your mom is yearning for affection and probably overdoing it (and treating you like a kid) - and not knowing it had the opposite effect on you.
      - samh748 5y ago
        I would be careful about this "honest conversation". From what the commenter (giantg2) described, their mom sounds like someone who has pretty serious "attachment" issues (may not be the formal word for it), in the way she over-does her care and niceness. It seems like something that stems from a core wound deep inside, from her upbringing/environment/generation/etc. From my experience, sometimes these honest conversations make the person even more hostile and freak out to insane degrees. Especially for an older generation, their understanding of love and the language around it will be basically set in stone. So being honest can often trigger them in ways we cannot predict. Of course, not everyone is like that. But I would be very careful about this, because there's a chance it might make things a lot worse. So what are we to do in a situation like this? It's possible to tend to her tendencies indirectly. Instead of directly responding to her gestures (which will likely trigger her -- it is her love language after all), maybe there are things you (giantg2) can do at other occasions that will make her feel loved, so that she's more settled in general, if that makes any sense. Worth a try I think.
      - samh748 5y ago
        Sorry, another point to add: Basically, from my observations, people who over-do niceness often have a profound fear of criticism. That's exactly why they over-do nice in the first place, and keep asking questions to make sure they "get it right" (and thus, avoid criticism). So giving them honest feedback may backfire.
        giantg2 5y ago
        This. I tried nicely explaining multiple times, but it seems this is the case. The attachment issues are there too - like she needs people to constantly care for (she does some volunteer work, so that helps). At this point I just try to leave it alone, be patient, and be kind.

throwfaraway9 5y ago

giantg2 5y ago

"and I don't have the patience to deal with it." That's probably a better description than I could come up with for dealing with my mom. Sooo much patience is needed, and it's usually not enough to keep the frustration at bay. It results in talking to her infrequently. It sounds terrible but she's one of those people that is "too nice". My wife didn't believe me until we stayed at her house for a couple days, but now she gets more annoyed than I do. So it's not just me.

Beltalowda 5y ago
I'm curious how she's "too nice" and why so much patience is needed for that?
- giantg2 5y ago
  It's difficult to explain. One example would be if she offers to get you a drink while you're working on something. She'll spend 3 minutes running down a list of every possible drink, even if you said you didn't want anything or just wanted water. She will repeat herself or go back and forth about if she has something or not, going into a story of why she thinks one way or the other. When you pick something she'll ask a bunch more questions about if you want a specific glass, do you want ice, etc. I honestly don't care. I didn't even want anything. I'm in the middle of stuff. Can we play 20 questions later?
  - leohonexus 5y ago
    Your mom sounds like a nice person - maybe all you need is an honest conversation with her, tell her that, while you love her and respect her good intentions, there are times where I would really want to be left alone - like during work etc. It sounds like your mom is yearning for affection and probably overdoing it (and treating you like a kid) - and not knowing it had the opposite effect on you.
    - samh748 5y ago
      I would be careful about this "honest conversation". From what the commenter (giantg2) described, their mom sounds like someone who has pretty serious "attachment" issues (may not be the formal word for it), in the way she over-does her care and niceness. It seems like something that stems from a core wound deep inside, from her upbringing/environment/generation/etc. From my experience, sometimes these honest conversations make the person even more hostile and freak out to insane degrees. Especially for an older generation, their understanding of love and the language around it will be basically set in stone. So being honest can often trigger them in ways we cannot predict. Of course, not everyone is like that. But I would be very careful about this, because there's a chance it might make things a lot worse. So what are we to do in a situation like this? It's possible to tend to her tendencies indirectly. Instead of directly responding to her gestures (which will likely trigger her -- it is her love language after all), maybe there are things you (giantg2) can do at other occasions that will make her feel loved, so that she's more settled in general, if that makes any sense. Worth a try I think.
    - samh748 5y ago
      Sorry, another point to add: Basically, from my observations, people who over-do niceness often have a profound fear of criticism. That's exactly why they over-do nice in the first place, and keep asking questions to make sure they "get it right" (and thus, avoid criticism). So giving them honest feedback may backfire.
      - giantg2 5y ago
        This. I tried nicely explaining multiple times, but it seems this is the case. The attachment issues are there too - like she needs people to constantly care for (she does some volunteer work, so that helps). At this point I just try to leave it alone, be patient, and be kind.