3 ms·

I was born and raised devoutly Mormon, and have since left the religion. My mom and I were tight, and my dad and I butted heads, but we loved each other. I gr

I was born and raised devoutly Mormon, and have since left the religion. My mom and I were tight, and my dad and I butted heads, but we loved each other. I graduated college, with their praise, I had kids, with their love and praise, but since leaving the church that they are still devout to, things fell apart. I try to maintain a relationship, I video call once a week, text some in between, but I'm always greeted with my mom's "phone voice", which lets me know that she's not as close to me as I want to be with her. I love the Mormon church, and it will always be part of me, but there's so much pressure on parents to have their kids remain, and I knew it would let my parents down. I disappoint my mom on a daily basis, and that's a hard bridge to cross for a relationship.

throwaway_4ever 5y ago
Ya I grapple with this heavy. I come from a US Protestant upbringing, but my family has literal Earth-maybe-5000-years-old, anti-gay, no sex before marriage stereotypical Baptist views. As tough as it is sometimes to waste time in church living a lie about things that no one un-indoctrinated could believe in, actually coming out with my true beliefs and leading to your situation is probably a worse move.
- p0d 5y ago
  I came to church later, was not indoctrinated as you say. I respect your supporting your family. When you are older, and have possibly had a successful career, the question still comes up. What is life all about? So it's good to have a bigger view of the world than one which we make up ourselves.
  - mikercampbell 5y ago
    There's a phrase that I love that goes something like "I'd rather have questions without answers than answers that can't be questioned". My partner and I were talking about this today. She's very freed by the idea of not having religious "exercises" to go through and measure herself against. I am, too, but I still have this massive weight of self-loathing that I need to figure out. Phantom guilt that has no cause or reason, but still looks like it needs addressing, things like that. But I love being the captain of my own ship. My religion is whatever brings me lasting joy.
- mikercampbell 5y ago
  Yeah, I've gone back and forth on this one. My therapist says "for every door that closes, far many more open", and that has been true for the most part - but still those closed doors suck. Exiting my religion was a fate worse than death. I grew up on the culty side that had a ton of hero worship, I was always proselytizing, I gave money I didn't have to the church, and was so deeply embedded (or it was so deeply embedded in me) that it was excruciating to exit. I lied for a long time after I stopped believing. A little to myself, and a lot to everyone else, but my devoutly religious partner knew from day one, and thank goodness we were able to talk about it (kind of). But I sang the song and danced the dance, but I couldn't keep up the "multiple identities" aspect of it all. I'm not going to pretend that I understand what it's like to be queer, as I'm not - but I for the first time had an experience that turned some of the sympathy to empathy as I struggled with the way people saw me and them loving me for something I haven't let them in on. I was diagnosed with PTSD last year from the whole thing, and am treating it with antidepressants and Ketamine therapy, but I have a lot of work to do before I can say that I'm happier after leaving. Would I leave again if I had to? Yeah. I don't think happiness is a solid metric to base your life after, so I measure on "was it worth it" and the answer is always yes. And bro, the earth was 7000 years old, get your facts straight /s.
  - throwaway1492 5y ago
    I’d like to note for anyone reading this that the Catholic Church (and Anglican I presume ) don’t teach all the dreadful creation science and king James literalism so many Protestant denominations do. You can have Jesus and your brain too. Plus for Catholic, mass isn’t a history lesson but a deliberate celebration of a living loving God. End of PSA.
kubanczyk 5y ago
> I disappoint I can bring some perspective. I'm a father myself and although I often send out the "disappointed" signal, it's just a learned trick (so effective!). Ultimately a parent notices that a child is a separate equal person. If I got permanently offended, not because of intentional harm, but simply because of child's independence... It would just mean I don't like the child. Which is not a crime.
- mikercampbell 5y ago
  I know what you mean when it comes to learned tricks. I've got two young ones and I find myself turning to some, and trying to turn away from other, learned tricks haha.

throwaway_4ever 5y ago

Ya I grapple with this heavy. I come from a US Protestant upbringing, but my family has literal Earth-maybe-5000-years-old, anti-gay, no sex before marriage stereotypical Baptist views. As tough as it is sometimes to waste time in church living a lie about things that no one un-indoctrinated could believe in, actually coming out with my true beliefs and leading to your situation is probably a worse move.

p0d 5y ago
I came to church later, was not indoctrinated as you say. I respect your supporting your family. When you are older, and have possibly had a successful career, the question still comes up. What is life all about? So it's good to have a bigger view of the world than one which we make up ourselves.
- mikercampbell 5y ago
  There's a phrase that I love that goes something like "I'd rather have questions without answers than answers that can't be questioned". My partner and I were talking about this today. She's very freed by the idea of not having religious "exercises" to go through and measure herself against. I am, too, but I still have this massive weight of self-loathing that I need to figure out. Phantom guilt that has no cause or reason, but still looks like it needs addressing, things like that. But I love being the captain of my own ship. My religion is whatever brings me lasting joy.
mikercampbell 5y ago
Yeah, I've gone back and forth on this one. My therapist says "for every door that closes, far many more open", and that has been true for the most part - but still those closed doors suck. Exiting my religion was a fate worse than death. I grew up on the culty side that had a ton of hero worship, I was always proselytizing, I gave money I didn't have to the church, and was so deeply embedded (or it was so deeply embedded in me) that it was excruciating to exit. I lied for a long time after I stopped believing. A little to myself, and a lot to everyone else, but my devoutly religious partner knew from day one, and thank goodness we were able to talk about it (kind of). But I sang the song and danced the dance, but I couldn't keep up the "multiple identities" aspect of it all. I'm not going to pretend that I understand what it's like to be queer, as I'm not - but I for the first time had an experience that turned some of the sympathy to empathy as I struggled with the way people saw me and them loving me for something I haven't let them in on. I was diagnosed with PTSD last year from the whole thing, and am treating it with antidepressants and Ketamine therapy, but I have a lot of work to do before I can say that I'm happier after leaving. Would I leave again if I had to? Yeah. I don't think happiness is a solid metric to base your life after, so I measure on "was it worth it" and the answer is always yes. And bro, the earth was 7000 years old, get your facts straight /s.
- throwaway1492 5y ago
  I’d like to note for anyone reading this that the Catholic Church (and Anglican I presume ) don’t teach all the dreadful creation science and king James literalism so many Protestant denominations do. You can have Jesus and your brain too. Plus for Catholic, mass isn’t a history lesson but a deliberate celebration of a living loving God. End of PSA.

kubanczyk 5y ago

> I disappoint I can bring some perspective. I'm a father myself and although I often send out the "disappointed" signal, it's just a learned trick (so effective!). Ultimately a parent notices that a child is a separate equal person. If I got permanently offended, not because of intentional harm, but simply because of child's independence... It would just mean I don't like the child. Which is not a crime.

mikercampbell 5y ago
I know what you mean when it comes to learned tricks. I've got two young ones and I find myself turning to some, and trying to turn away from other, learned tricks haha.