3 ms·

I read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" last year, and that basically summed up my relationship with them. They were emotionally unavai

I read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" last year, and that basically summed up my relationship with them. They were emotionally unavailable to me growing up, and very immature, and now I find it almost impossible to connect with them or feel any affection for them.

psyc 5y ago
I had the exact same relationship with my parents for the same reason. A family therapist once even specifically told this to my siblings and I using the term “Adult Children.” However, I somehow managed to develop some affection and a “feeling that they’re my parents” in my mid 30s. But don’t even get me started on my total inability to form committed relationships!
- Trasmatta 5y ago
  It seems to be a pretty common phenomenon, I think. People have kids when they're young, and a role reversal happens then the kids get old enough. This causes deep seated emotional issues which then continue on to the next generation... My parents did the best they could with what they had available to them at the time. But it still messed me up, and I've decided not to have kids myself. > But don’t even get me started on my total inability to form committed relationships! oh hey it me!
  - psyc 5y ago
    Oh yes, my parents were extremely earnest about trying to be good parents. They just couldn’t do it, and it was really sad. I think trying to give them credit for their intentions and what they were able to do for us helped me. When I was a teen, I used to think about having kids so I could do a better job. Once I became an adult I couldn’t even consider or conceive of it.
    - Trasmatta 5y ago
      > When I was a teen, I used to think about having kids so I could do a better job. Once I became an adult I could even consider or conceive of it. I used to think the same thing when I was a teenager! I would daydream about how I would be so much better of a parent. Now I realize I wouldn't do better at all. It's incredibly hard. So I understand my parents much better now, but it's still hard for me to feel love and affection for them after everything that happened.
      - psyc 5y ago
        Oops. I meant to write “could NOT consider or conceive of it.”
        Trasmatta 5y ago
        No worries, that's what I interpreted the meaning as :)
      - grvdrm 5y ago
        I’m a parent now and this thread hits home. I’ll respond in full otherwise but wanted to comment here first. I think you might be able to do better but it’s not really a black and white comparison. Maybe better for some things, and worse for other things. I look at my own parenting today and am proud that I am NOT doing some of the things my dad did, but I don’t think of myself as better or worse overall. I’m just happy that what I’m doing makes sense to me, and produces pretty awesome feedback from my kids and especially my wife.
cududa 5y ago
I have to have heard this book mentioned a few dozen times. Probably certainly says nothing about me that I'm drawn to threads or people who suggest this book. Certainly not ... I just made myself order it.
- Trasmatta 5y ago
  It was a hard read for me, but incredibly enlightening. I must have highlighted over 40 different passages. At some point I plan to read it a second time, because there's a lot that I haven't fully digested yet. In an odd way it's made me more empathetic to my parents, even though the memories are challenging. In my case it wasn't that they wanted to be emotionally unavailable, it's that they were dealing with their own immense internal turmoil, while still being essentially children emotionally. EDIT: I just checked, I highlighted 116 passages.
  - cududa 5y ago
    I'm on page 4 and I don't know how the target audience doesn't just highlight the whole book
Infernal 5y ago
I am reading this thread as a parent and terrified - when people say their parents were emotionally unavailable and very immature - how can I make sure my kids are not thinking this about me in a few years?
- sparker72678 5y ago
  The fact that it occurs to you to care about that is a good sign.
- throw-9826734 5y ago
  In my experience, at one point I realized that my mom only really cared about me from the point of view of how it affected her. She would ask me questions about my life only so she could tell me her opinions and feelings about it. It seems that she's not really aware or capable of taking an interest in my feelings or thoughts (despite me trying repeatedly to point this out to her). She asks me about my job and my salary, I think because it comforts her to know that I've "made it" and that she made good decisions in my upbringing. She doesn't really ask me about how I feel about my work - if I like it or have difficulties with certain elements. When I moved (closer, then further away) the only conversations we had about it were about how nice it would be to have me closer, and how sad they would be for me to leave. She never wondered why I chose to move, or what I liked about living in one place or another. And then there are certain things that she never asks me at all. I'm married, but she never asked me about what I like about my wife, or what our relationship is like. When me and my wife told her that we were thinking about having children, her reaction was that "she didn't feel old enough to be a grandparent". It's strange because she obviously cares about me in some capacity. It's very important to her that we keep up communications and that I'm near... but she just seems to have this total blind spot about the total lack of connection in our relationship. I think one of my goals as a parent is to make sure I take a genuine interest in my children and try to understand what kind of people they are.
  - margor 5y ago
    This literally reads like I would describe my parents. Dot for dot, it's same reaction to the same statements that I made to my parents. What really enlighten me, however, is reading this site: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html This is about the world of estranged parent's forums, how they react, how they write about their children when they don't want to contact them, or when they make it clear why they treat them such way. If you care enough to learn about this behavior more (although, I've to admit, it's hard to accept what is said there on the site), I strongly recommend giving a read of this site, it takes about one/two evenings to go through all the stories there. Tl;dr is that some people are just wired this way, it's like they literally have a blockage somewhere in their mind, that doesn't allow them to express themselves any other way, such as more compassionate people do it. Once you learn that, talking with them becomes easier once you recognize the patterns.

psyc 5y ago

I had the exact same relationship with my parents for the same reason. A family therapist once even specifically told this to my siblings and I using the term “Adult Children.” However, I somehow managed to develop some affection and a “feeling that they’re my parents” in my mid 30s. But don’t even get me started on my total inability to form committed relationships!

Trasmatta 5y ago
It seems to be a pretty common phenomenon, I think. People have kids when they're young, and a role reversal happens then the kids get old enough. This causes deep seated emotional issues which then continue on to the next generation... My parents did the best they could with what they had available to them at the time. But it still messed me up, and I've decided not to have kids myself. > But don’t even get me started on my total inability to form committed relationships! oh hey it me!
- psyc 5y ago
  Oh yes, my parents were extremely earnest about trying to be good parents. They just couldn’t do it, and it was really sad. I think trying to give them credit for their intentions and what they were able to do for us helped me. When I was a teen, I used to think about having kids so I could do a better job. Once I became an adult I couldn’t even consider or conceive of it.
  - Trasmatta 5y ago
    > When I was a teen, I used to think about having kids so I could do a better job. Once I became an adult I could even consider or conceive of it. I used to think the same thing when I was a teenager! I would daydream about how I would be so much better of a parent. Now I realize I wouldn't do better at all. It's incredibly hard. So I understand my parents much better now, but it's still hard for me to feel love and affection for them after everything that happened.
    - psyc 5y ago
      Oops. I meant to write “could NOT consider or conceive of it.”
      - Trasmatta 5y ago
        No worries, that's what I interpreted the meaning as :)
    - grvdrm 5y ago
      I’m a parent now and this thread hits home. I’ll respond in full otherwise but wanted to comment here first. I think you might be able to do better but it’s not really a black and white comparison. Maybe better for some things, and worse for other things. I look at my own parenting today and am proud that I am NOT doing some of the things my dad did, but I don’t think of myself as better or worse overall. I’m just happy that what I’m doing makes sense to me, and produces pretty awesome feedback from my kids and especially my wife.

cududa 5y ago

I have to have heard this book mentioned a few dozen times. Probably certainly says nothing about me that I'm drawn to threads or people who suggest this book. Certainly not ... I just made myself order it.

Trasmatta 5y ago
It was a hard read for me, but incredibly enlightening. I must have highlighted over 40 different passages. At some point I plan to read it a second time, because there's a lot that I haven't fully digested yet. In an odd way it's made me more empathetic to my parents, even though the memories are challenging. In my case it wasn't that they wanted to be emotionally unavailable, it's that they were dealing with their own immense internal turmoil, while still being essentially children emotionally. EDIT: I just checked, I highlighted 116 passages.
- cududa 5y ago
  I'm on page 4 and I don't know how the target audience doesn't just highlight the whole book

Infernal 5y ago

I am reading this thread as a parent and terrified - when people say their parents were emotionally unavailable and very immature - how can I make sure my kids are not thinking this about me in a few years?

sparker72678 5y ago
The fact that it occurs to you to care about that is a good sign.
throw-9826734 5y ago
In my experience, at one point I realized that my mom only really cared about me from the point of view of how it affected her. She would ask me questions about my life only so she could tell me her opinions and feelings about it. It seems that she's not really aware or capable of taking an interest in my feelings or thoughts (despite me trying repeatedly to point this out to her). She asks me about my job and my salary, I think because it comforts her to know that I've "made it" and that she made good decisions in my upbringing. She doesn't really ask me about how I feel about my work - if I like it or have difficulties with certain elements. When I moved (closer, then further away) the only conversations we had about it were about how nice it would be to have me closer, and how sad they would be for me to leave. She never wondered why I chose to move, or what I liked about living in one place or another. And then there are certain things that she never asks me at all. I'm married, but she never asked me about what I like about my wife, or what our relationship is like. When me and my wife told her that we were thinking about having children, her reaction was that "she didn't feel old enough to be a grandparent". It's strange because she obviously cares about me in some capacity. It's very important to her that we keep up communications and that I'm near... but she just seems to have this total blind spot about the total lack of connection in our relationship. I think one of my goals as a parent is to make sure I take a genuine interest in my children and try to understand what kind of people they are.
- margor 5y ago
  This literally reads like I would describe my parents. Dot for dot, it's same reaction to the same statements that I made to my parents. What really enlighten me, however, is reading this site: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html http://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/index.html This is about the world of estranged parent's forums, how they react, how they write about their children when they don't want to contact them, or when they make it clear why they treat them such way. If you care enough to learn about this behavior more (although, I've to admit, it's hard to accept what is said there on the site), I strongly recommend giving a read of this site, it takes about one/two evenings to go through all the stories there. Tl;dr is that some people are just wired this way, it's like they literally have a blockage somewhere in their mind, that doesn't allow them to express themselves any other way, such as more compassionate people do it. Once you learn that, talking with them becomes easier once you recognize the patterns.