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We are always told "Accept your significant other - do not try to change them." Why does not that apply here?

by TedDoesntTalk 5y ago

usefulcat 5y ago
There's an enormous difference between asking a person to change who they are versus how they behave.
- TedDoesntTalk 5y ago
  True. But as child wrote, 'If I just sit around and say everything is "important", does that mean I get to have it my way all the time?'
  - usefulcat 5y ago
    If being asked to put a glass in the dishwasher is an assault on one's identity, then so be it. But such a person is probably also ill-suited to marriage or any similar relationship.
    - the_omegist 5y ago
      If seeing a glass not put in the dishwasher is an assault on one's identity, then so be it. But such a person is probably also ill-suited to marriage or any similar relationship.
    - TedDoesntTalk 5y ago
      You’re missing the point. That’s one instance. Marriages are made up of thousands of these instances. Are you going to change your behaviors for all of those? Because I have, and it is tiring. Resentment builds on both sides.
      - the_omegist 5y ago
        Some people won't understand you. For them you're the only one to blame. You've said it all : some things are clearly bad (over-drinking, being violent, etc) some are good (virtues etc) and the vast majority of things like laundry are not even worthy of debate. If you change your self little by little for someone else, especially if it's a one-way thing, you'll end up miserable.
      - brewdad 5y ago
        Exactly. You continue to change until finally you reach a breaking point and the relationship is destroyed. Alternatively, you change on some things, push back on others, and try to reach compromises when you can. If your partner refuses to accept anything other than "victory" in every conflict, hopefully at least you learn this before you've sunk 20 years into the marriage.
twh270 5y ago
It's more "don't try to force change on them". If you think you're going to 'make' your SO stop smoking, watch movies with you, or wash the dishes, you're approaching it the wrong way. Communicate. Express what is happening and how it is affecting you, in a way that doesn't place the blame on them. (Also, they have to be mature enough not to hear it as blame. Both can be difficult, and just about impossible when your emotions are worked up.) Then you talk about how to solve the problem. Not in a "your behavior is a problem, how do we change it" fashion, but in a "it's us against this problem" fashion. In the article, he says "the existence of love, trust, respect, and safety in our marriage was dependent on these moments I was writing off as petty disagreements". Instead of recognizing and respecting her complaints as legitimate -- no matter how minor -- he dismissed them, and thus told her "Your needs aren't important to me". As he also learned, petty disagreements become major problems when not dealt with. You either take care of them early, when they're still easily tractable, or you wait until they've festered and become a Major Problem. And then they're really difficult to fix.

We are always told "Accept your significant other - do not try to change them." Why does not that apply here?

usefulcat 5y ago

There's an enormous difference between asking a person to change who they are versus how they behave.

TedDoesntTalk 5y ago
True. But as child wrote, 'If I just sit around and say everything is "important", does that mean I get to have it my way all the time?'
- usefulcat 5y ago
  If being asked to put a glass in the dishwasher is an assault on one's identity, then so be it. But such a person is probably also ill-suited to marriage or any similar relationship.
  - the_omegist 5y ago
    If seeing a glass not put in the dishwasher is an assault on one's identity, then so be it. But such a person is probably also ill-suited to marriage or any similar relationship.
  - TedDoesntTalk 5y ago
    You’re missing the point. That’s one instance. Marriages are made up of thousands of these instances. Are you going to change your behaviors for all of those? Because I have, and it is tiring. Resentment builds on both sides.
    - the_omegist 5y ago
      Some people won't understand you. For them you're the only one to blame. You've said it all : some things are clearly bad (over-drinking, being violent, etc) some are good (virtues etc) and the vast majority of things like laundry are not even worthy of debate. If you change your self little by little for someone else, especially if it's a one-way thing, you'll end up miserable.
    - brewdad 5y ago
      Exactly. You continue to change until finally you reach a breaking point and the relationship is destroyed. Alternatively, you change on some things, push back on others, and try to reach compromises when you can. If your partner refuses to accept anything other than "victory" in every conflict, hopefully at least you learn this before you've sunk 20 years into the marriage.

twh270 5y ago

It's more "don't try to force change on them". If you think you're going to 'make' your SO stop smoking, watch movies with you, or wash the dishes, you're approaching it the wrong way. Communicate. Express what is happening and how it is affecting you, in a way that doesn't place the blame on them. (Also, they have to be mature enough not to hear it as blame. Both can be difficult, and just about impossible when your emotions are worked up.) Then you talk about how to solve the problem. Not in a "your behavior is a problem, how do we change it" fashion, but in a "it's us against this problem" fashion. In the article, he says "the existence of love, trust, respect, and safety in our marriage was dependent on these moments I was writing off as petty disagreements". Instead of recognizing and respecting her complaints as legitimate -- no matter how minor -- he dismissed them, and thus told her "Your needs aren't important to me". As he also learned, petty disagreements become major problems when not dealt with. You either take care of them early, when they're still easily tractable, or you wait until they've festered and become a Major Problem. And then they're really difficult to fix.