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> It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. I'd clarify that sometimes it is actually about the dishes. As someone wi

by munk-a 5y ago

> It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. I'd clarify that sometimes it is actually about the dishes. As someone with ADHD being in a living space with clutter slows me down and perpetuates more clutter. My solution to that is to never generate that sort of clutter - it leads to a destructive cycle I've identified in myself. If the person I'm sharing space with starts that cycle, I suffer from it and can't escape it without external intervention - hence, yea, sometimes the dishes literally are the focus (I mean - this pattern can be repeated with other household tasks, a laundry basket full of clean un-put-away laundry will grow over time until it's falling over the sides and periodic tasks like taking out the garbage require extreme vigilance to stay on top of, corners can not be cut). But the physical space does effect our mental space, and looking around your sanctum sanctorum and seeing nothing but todo lists will erode mental health.

TedDoesntTalk 5y ago
When you agree to live with another person, you agree (whether you realize it not) to also live with each other's habits, cleanliness norms, organizational norms, waking/sleeping schedule, and many other details. Being a dictator, trying to change the other person, is not going to end well. Accept the person you are living with rather than trying to change them.
- jakelazaroff 5y ago
  This goes both ways. If you move in with someone who needs the apartment to be tidy, then living with their norms means to ensure you aren’t leaving things around. It’s just as dictator-ish for you to demand they accommodate a messy living space as it is for them to demand you accommodate a tidy one.
op00to 5y ago
If dirty dishes trigger you, then you need to make sure the dishes get done. You are the principal person responsible for your own well being. You shouldn't force someone to do your bidding simply because you're triggered. I say this as someone who suffers from severe anxiety, and has to work very hard to not bully my family around to accommodate my anxiety.
- dragonwriter 5y ago
  > If dirty dishes trigger you, then you need to make sure the dishes get done. Eliminating a net source of dirty dishes is an efficient way of doing that. If you want to be in a relationship with someone, and they are triggered by dirty dishes, you might need to consider their needs in order to realize yours.
  - the_omegist 5y ago
    > If you want to be in a relationship with someone, and they are triggered by dirty dishes, you might need to consider their needs in order to realize yours. Your argument is circular, don't you realize? The triggered person should realize their un-triggered partner's need in order to realize theirs...
- munk-a 5y ago
  A healthy relationship involves giving and taking - it isn't bullying to have certain occasional needs. Nobody on earth is perfect, we all come with some quirks - because we only have one pass through life it can be difficult to tell what's reasonable and what's unfairly demanding, those making demands a third party would call unreasonable are often blind to it themselves... that said most relationships will compromise on arrangements either partner needs to operate healthily. My SO happens to suffer from absolutely atrocious migraines that can take them out for weeks at a time - I am flexible for accommodations on this point and they're flexible on my own needs, even if the exchange is uneven it may still be desirable to stay in a relationship that adds a lot to your life in other ways. Each individual needs to make the decision that's right for them. On the topic of your anxiety, if you discuss it with your partner there is a good chance that through communication you'll become better at functioning as a unit then you could on your own.
zwkrt 5y ago
A little late to the game here. You say “it is about the dishes“ but in the next sentence you yourself claim that it’s actually about your ADHD in your inability to handle other peoples levels of conscientious organization. And I guess that’s what I meant with my post: the dishes are involved but as soon as you describe the problem you realize that the locus of the problem isn’t the dishes the dishes are just an external symptom.

by munk-a 5y ago

TedDoesntTalk 5y ago

When you agree to live with another person, you agree (whether you realize it not) to also live with each other's habits, cleanliness norms, organizational norms, waking/sleeping schedule, and many other details. Being a dictator, trying to change the other person, is not going to end well. Accept the person you are living with rather than trying to change them.

jakelazaroff 5y ago
This goes both ways. If you move in with someone who needs the apartment to be tidy, then living with their norms means to ensure you aren’t leaving things around. It’s just as dictator-ish for you to demand they accommodate a messy living space as it is for them to demand you accommodate a tidy one.

op00to 5y ago

If dirty dishes trigger you, then you need to make sure the dishes get done. You are the principal person responsible for your own well being. You shouldn't force someone to do your bidding simply because you're triggered. I say this as someone who suffers from severe anxiety, and has to work very hard to not bully my family around to accommodate my anxiety.

dragonwriter 5y ago
> If dirty dishes trigger you, then you need to make sure the dishes get done. Eliminating a net source of dirty dishes is an efficient way of doing that. If you want to be in a relationship with someone, and they are triggered by dirty dishes, you might need to consider their needs in order to realize yours.
- the_omegist 5y ago
  > If you want to be in a relationship with someone, and they are triggered by dirty dishes, you might need to consider their needs in order to realize yours. Your argument is circular, don't you realize? The triggered person should realize their un-triggered partner's need in order to realize theirs...
munk-a 5y ago
A healthy relationship involves giving and taking - it isn't bullying to have certain occasional needs. Nobody on earth is perfect, we all come with some quirks - because we only have one pass through life it can be difficult to tell what's reasonable and what's unfairly demanding, those making demands a third party would call unreasonable are often blind to it themselves... that said most relationships will compromise on arrangements either partner needs to operate healthily. My SO happens to suffer from absolutely atrocious migraines that can take them out for weeks at a time - I am flexible for accommodations on this point and they're flexible on my own needs, even if the exchange is uneven it may still be desirable to stay in a relationship that adds a lot to your life in other ways. Each individual needs to make the decision that's right for them. On the topic of your anxiety, if you discuss it with your partner there is a good chance that through communication you'll become better at functioning as a unit then you could on your own.

zwkrt 5y ago

A little late to the game here. You say “it is about the dishes“ but in the next sentence you yourself claim that it’s actually about your ADHD in your inability to handle other peoples levels of conscientious organization. And I guess that’s what I meant with my post: the dishes are involved but as soon as you describe the problem you realize that the locus of the problem isn’t the dishes the dishes are just an external symptom.