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It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. That isn’t to say that you can’t be Disrespectful with dishes or that one or

by zwkrt 5y ago

It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. That isn’t to say that you can’t be Disrespectful with dishes or that one or both people’s behavior and expectations regarding the minutia of the kitchen isn’t unreasonable. But fighting about dishes is really good indication that there are more fundamental underlying schisms in the relationship that should be addressed. In my personal experience both in my own relationships and viewing the relationships of others, I feel like the domestic partner can often feel trapped and/or unfulfilled. It’s easy for the breadwinner to say “I bust my ass all day and I make all the money so that we can have this life”, but the other partner in this arrangement becomes totally at the will of the breadwinner. The breadwinner could change jobs or decide to move or divorce and continue working, but the domestic partner is totally effed. It isn’t an equal partnership unless the domestic partner truly feels agency. And until that point this underlying resentment will come bursting up like new islands in an archipelago, until the situation is resolved or dissolved. Edit: the sibling comment regarding narcissism is also worth reading! I don't know your situation. Labeling someone as a narcissist is a nuclear option because it means you don't really see them as fully human anymore, but it can be appropriate if you have a large body of evidence.

munk-a 5y ago
> It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. I'd clarify that sometimes it is actually about the dishes. As someone with ADHD being in a living space with clutter slows me down and perpetuates more clutter. My solution to that is to never generate that sort of clutter - it leads to a destructive cycle I've identified in myself. If the person I'm sharing space with starts that cycle, I suffer from it and can't escape it without external intervention - hence, yea, sometimes the dishes literally are the focus (I mean - this pattern can be repeated with other household tasks, a laundry basket full of clean un-put-away laundry will grow over time until it's falling over the sides and periodic tasks like taking out the garbage require extreme vigilance to stay on top of, corners can not be cut). But the physical space does effect our mental space, and looking around your sanctum sanctorum and seeing nothing but todo lists will erode mental health.
- TedDoesntTalk 5y ago
  When you agree to live with another person, you agree (whether you realize it not) to also live with each other's habits, cleanliness norms, organizational norms, waking/sleeping schedule, and many other details. Being a dictator, trying to change the other person, is not going to end well. Accept the person you are living with rather than trying to change them.
  - jakelazaroff 5y ago
    This goes both ways. If you move in with someone who needs the apartment to be tidy, then living with their norms means to ensure you aren’t leaving things around. It’s just as dictator-ish for you to demand they accommodate a messy living space as it is for them to demand you accommodate a tidy one.
- op00to 5y ago
  If dirty dishes trigger you, then you need to make sure the dishes get done. You are the principal person responsible for your own well being. You shouldn't force someone to do your bidding simply because you're triggered. I say this as someone who suffers from severe anxiety, and has to work very hard to not bully my family around to accommodate my anxiety.
  - dragonwriter 5y ago
    > If dirty dishes trigger you, then you need to make sure the dishes get done. Eliminating a net source of dirty dishes is an efficient way of doing that. If you want to be in a relationship with someone, and they are triggered by dirty dishes, you might need to consider their needs in order to realize yours.
    - the_omegist 5y ago
      > If you want to be in a relationship with someone, and they are triggered by dirty dishes, you might need to consider their needs in order to realize yours. Your argument is circular, don't you realize? The triggered person should realize their un-triggered partner's need in order to realize theirs...

by zwkrt 5y ago

munk-a 5y ago

> It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. I'd clarify that sometimes it is actually about the dishes. As someone with ADHD being in a living space with clutter slows me down and perpetuates more clutter. My solution to that is to never generate that sort of clutter - it leads to a destructive cycle I've identified in myself. If the person I'm sharing space with starts that cycle, I suffer from it and can't escape it without external intervention - hence, yea, sometimes the dishes literally are the focus (I mean - this pattern can be repeated with other household tasks, a laundry basket full of clean un-put-away laundry will grow over time until it's falling over the sides and periodic tasks like taking out the garbage require extreme vigilance to stay on top of, corners can not be cut). But the physical space does effect our mental space, and looking around your sanctum sanctorum and seeing nothing but todo lists will erode mental health.

TedDoesntTalk 5y ago
When you agree to live with another person, you agree (whether you realize it not) to also live with each other's habits, cleanliness norms, organizational norms, waking/sleeping schedule, and many other details. Being a dictator, trying to change the other person, is not going to end well. Accept the person you are living with rather than trying to change them.
- jakelazaroff 5y ago
  This goes both ways. If you move in with someone who needs the apartment to be tidy, then living with their norms means to ensure you aren’t leaving things around. It’s just as dictator-ish for you to demand they accommodate a messy living space as it is for them to demand you accommodate a tidy one.
op00to 5y ago
If dirty dishes trigger you, then you need to make sure the dishes get done. You are the principal person responsible for your own well being. You shouldn't force someone to do your bidding simply because you're triggered. I say this as someone who suffers from severe anxiety, and has to work very hard to not bully my family around to accommodate my anxiety.
- dragonwriter 5y ago
  > If dirty dishes trigger you, then you need to make sure the dishes get done. Eliminating a net source of dirty dishes is an efficient way of doing that. If you want to be in a relationship with someone, and they are triggered by dirty dishes, you might need to consider their needs in order to realize yours.
  - the_omegist 5y ago
    > If you want to be in a relationship with someone, and they are triggered by dirty dishes, you might need to consider their needs in order to realize yours. Your argument is circular, don't you realize? The triggered person should realize their un-triggered partner's need in order to realize theirs...