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I read this and feel like I'm the bad guy and I don't understand how. I'm the breadwinner. I pay 100% of the bills, excluding the 'I went to buy potato chips a

I read this and feel like I'm the bad guy and I don't understand how. I'm the breadwinner. I pay 100% of the bills, excluding the 'I went to buy potato chips and ice cream' I WFH so I also tend to do the majority of chores. Which when I get burnt out or get sick I don't get as many chores done and the house goes to shit. Only ending up punishing myself really. I also have to 100% of the time decide what's for dinner and either order or cook it. My partner's incapable of making decisions. My areas of the house(my office for example) are kept orderly and clean. I try my best to keep the rest of the house clean. But when I leave a pot on the stove over night, I'll hear about it.

avidiax 5y ago
It's time to ask your partner how they feel about the relationship, what they value in your contributions, and what they feel they are contributing, and vice-versa. This is a way for you to learn if you are undervaluing your partner's contributions, or if they think/know that they are free-riding.
- incomingpain 5y ago
  I hear you and I'm afraid of the answer. I am extremely conflict averse. I sit at the dinner table hoping to talk every night. She's busy scrolling facebook. Yes sometimes I end up on my phone as well, but I actively make the effort to be there to talk. >you are undervaluing your partner's contributions I am a big believer in legitimate praise and even giving compliments to strangers. Though obviously stearing clear of flattery and fakeness. Once in a while she does find the energy to do something. I always notice and say something positive.
  - username923409 5y ago
    In my opinion, you should reevaluate whether or not your current relationship is worth continuing. Everything you've written so far sounds like your wife is simply a parasite. Just being blunt because it sounds like you're being too hard on yourself; going through married life caring for the equivalent of an adult child the entire time is not something anyone should be expected to do. Feel free to just think of me as some internet a*hole, but I'm just feeling terrible imagining myself in your position.
    - incomingpain 5y ago
      >Feel free to just think of me as some internet a*hole, but I'm just feeling terrible imagining myself in your position. Nope, I appreciate the advice. From another post I think I discovered the approach. No splitsville needed.
  - scythe 5y ago
    >I am extremely conflict averse. Is this you? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Anxious-preoccupied https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Anxious-p...
    - incomingpain 5y ago
      The 4 options would make me secure. I genuinely find other people interesting, I can pull the craziest stories out of people. People always have an interesting story, crimes are often involved lol. As for my self-esteem... my ego is probably a bit too big.
  - aantix 5y ago
    You have to learn to speak your truth courageously and divorce yourself from the outcome. Going through is the only way out. E.g. If you want more talk time at dinner, then voice that, and state that you will work on being present as well. To show that that you're in it together.
mattgreenrocks 5y ago
This sounds like the overfunctioning & underfunctioning relationship pattern. It's not fun to be on either side.
- incomingpain 5y ago
  >This sounds like the overfunctioning & underfunctioning relationship pattern. It's not fun to be on either side. Thanks I'll look into this. Never heard of this.
  - mattgreenrocks 5y ago
    Best of luck to you. This stuff is hard. <3
    - incomingpain 5y ago
      Did you ever call it. https://eggshelltherapy.com/overfunctioning-underfunctioning/ https://eggshelltherapy.com/overfunctioning-underfunctioning... Talk about right on the money. I very much appreciate you helping me. I have some changing to do.
droopyEyelids 5y ago
not necessarily the bad guy but you absolutely have relationship issues and could benefit from counseling if you found a good marriage counselor
vecter 5y ago
Look up Corey Wayne on YouTube. He explains this in his relationship videos. At the end of the day, it’s the man’s responsibility to take care of these things, and no amount of busyness is a justifiable excuse. One of my favorite quotes that my friend said to me last year is: “as a man, you have no excuses.” It may seem unfair, but that’s the masculine responsibility. To run a tight ship and keep things orderly, regardless of what may be happening outside of the house.

avidiax 5y ago

It's time to ask your partner how they feel about the relationship, what they value in your contributions, and what they feel they are contributing, and vice-versa. This is a way for you to learn if you are undervaluing your partner's contributions, or if they think/know that they are free-riding.

incomingpain 5y ago
I hear you and I'm afraid of the answer. I am extremely conflict averse. I sit at the dinner table hoping to talk every night. She's busy scrolling facebook. Yes sometimes I end up on my phone as well, but I actively make the effort to be there to talk. >you are undervaluing your partner's contributions I am a big believer in legitimate praise and even giving compliments to strangers. Though obviously stearing clear of flattery and fakeness. Once in a while she does find the energy to do something. I always notice and say something positive.
- username923409 5y ago
  In my opinion, you should reevaluate whether or not your current relationship is worth continuing. Everything you've written so far sounds like your wife is simply a parasite. Just being blunt because it sounds like you're being too hard on yourself; going through married life caring for the equivalent of an adult child the entire time is not something anyone should be expected to do. Feel free to just think of me as some internet a*hole, but I'm just feeling terrible imagining myself in your position.
  - incomingpain 5y ago
    >Feel free to just think of me as some internet a*hole, but I'm just feeling terrible imagining myself in your position. Nope, I appreciate the advice. From another post I think I discovered the approach. No splitsville needed.
- scythe 5y ago
  >I am extremely conflict averse. Is this you? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Anxious-preoccupied https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Anxious-p...
  - incomingpain 5y ago
    The 4 options would make me secure. I genuinely find other people interesting, I can pull the craziest stories out of people. People always have an interesting story, crimes are often involved lol. As for my self-esteem... my ego is probably a bit too big.
- aantix 5y ago
  You have to learn to speak your truth courageously and divorce yourself from the outcome. Going through is the only way out. E.g. If you want more talk time at dinner, then voice that, and state that you will work on being present as well. To show that that you're in it together.

mattgreenrocks 5y ago

This sounds like the overfunctioning & underfunctioning relationship pattern. It's not fun to be on either side.

incomingpain 5y ago
>This sounds like the overfunctioning & underfunctioning relationship pattern. It's not fun to be on either side. Thanks I'll look into this. Never heard of this.
- mattgreenrocks 5y ago
  Best of luck to you. This stuff is hard. <3
  - incomingpain 5y ago
    Did you ever call it. https://eggshelltherapy.com/overfunctioning-underfunctioning/ https://eggshelltherapy.com/overfunctioning-underfunctioning... Talk about right on the money. I very much appreciate you helping me. I have some changing to do.

droopyEyelids 5y ago

not necessarily the bad guy but you absolutely have relationship issues and could benefit from counseling if you found a good marriage counselor

vecter 5y ago

Look up Corey Wayne on YouTube. He explains this in his relationship videos. At the end of the day, it’s the man’s responsibility to take care of these things, and no amount of busyness is a justifiable excuse. One of my favorite quotes that my friend said to me last year is: “as a man, you have no excuses.” It may seem unfair, but that’s the masculine responsibility. To run a tight ship and keep things orderly, regardless of what may be happening outside of the house.