4 ms·

> I like the idea that a really good relationship is a 60/40 compromise, where both sides are struggling to be the 60. It sounds like both sides of this marriag

> I like the idea that a really good relationship is a 60/40 compromise, where both sides are struggling to be the 60. It sounds like both sides of this marriage were struggling to be the 40. I'm picturing a therapist helping a refugee from Objectivism by suggesting to "compete on making the greater compromise, within a threshold" because that's easier to explain to them than cooperation.

jrm4 5y ago
I'd take this even further. Sometimes it's 50/50. Sometimes 60/40, Sometimes 100/0. You just have to comfortable with that's how it is.
- vxNsr 5y ago
  Personally I’d rather lose 100% of the disagreement some of time (i.e. 50%) than part (40%, 50%, 60%) of the argument every time.
  - jrm4 5y ago
    I mean, you have to go to the classic point of rhetoric here. Do you want to win all the arguments, or do you want to have your way? Strategically losing arguments, or even just "lots of admitting when you're wrong (and also subconsciously reminding and modeling the fact that it's okay to be wrong)" is worth so much.
    - vxNsr 5y ago
      I was more saying that losing 50% of what you want means neither side is happy, you both gave up 50% of what you felt would make you happy. being willing to give in, entirely means even if you’re not happy right now, when your spouse/partner gives in to you you are
- cjohnson318 5y ago
  The Gottman Institute did a lot of research on the effect of accepting bids (putting the glass in the sink), ignoring bids (leaving the glass out), and rejecting bids (throwing the glass against the wall and arguing), and they determined that accepting a bid added one feeling dollar (my term) to the bank account of your marriage (my metaphor), while rejecting a bid took five out, and ignoring a bid took like ten or fifteen out. TLDR: Ignoring someone, or causing them to feel ignored, is more painful than intentionally being mean to them, because even that is a form of acknowledgement or attention. Also, you need to keep putting feeling dollars in the bank because you never know when you're going to have a huge fight, have your partner check the balance, and decide there's no reason to keep going.
  - jrm4 5y ago
    Broadly, this is a GREAT point. I wonder if the author ever let loose with a loud "Why the f** do you think this glass is so important? It's objectively stupid and you're being ridiculous! Get over it, it's just a f**ing glass!" Not for the truth of the point or being correct, which is impossible to determine, but for the generation of what comes next.

jrm4 5y ago

I'd take this even further. Sometimes it's 50/50. Sometimes 60/40, Sometimes 100/0. You just have to comfortable with that's how it is.

vxNsr 5y ago
Personally I’d rather lose 100% of the disagreement some of time (i.e. 50%) than part (40%, 50%, 60%) of the argument every time.
- jrm4 5y ago
  I mean, you have to go to the classic point of rhetoric here. Do you want to win all the arguments, or do you want to have your way? Strategically losing arguments, or even just "lots of admitting when you're wrong (and also subconsciously reminding and modeling the fact that it's okay to be wrong)" is worth so much.
  - vxNsr 5y ago
    I was more saying that losing 50% of what you want means neither side is happy, you both gave up 50% of what you felt would make you happy. being willing to give in, entirely means even if you’re not happy right now, when your spouse/partner gives in to you you are
cjohnson318 5y ago
The Gottman Institute did a lot of research on the effect of accepting bids (putting the glass in the sink), ignoring bids (leaving the glass out), and rejecting bids (throwing the glass against the wall and arguing), and they determined that accepting a bid added one feeling dollar (my term) to the bank account of your marriage (my metaphor), while rejecting a bid took five out, and ignoring a bid took like ten or fifteen out. TLDR: Ignoring someone, or causing them to feel ignored, is more painful than intentionally being mean to them, because even that is a form of acknowledgement or attention. Also, you need to keep putting feeling dollars in the bank because you never know when you're going to have a huge fight, have your partner check the balance, and decide there's no reason to keep going.
- jrm4 5y ago
  Broadly, this is a GREAT point. I wonder if the author ever let loose with a loud "Why the f** do you think this glass is so important? It's objectively stupid and you're being ridiculous! Get over it, it's just a f**ing glass!" Not for the truth of the point or being correct, which is impossible to determine, but for the generation of what comes next.