3 ms·

My wife and I wrote our own marriage vows. The first two were pretty conventional (stay together, share joys and sorrows). The third was the most important IMO

My wife and I wrote our own marriage vows. The first two were pretty conventional (stay together, share joys and sorrows). The third was the most important IMO and also hardest to keep. "Treat each other's needs and priorities as equal to our own" If you don't think it's hard, try it. I don't mean just respecting each other's time and attention in a general sense, which BTW I've come to believe is a good rule for all interactions. I mean treating their habits and preferences and pet peeves, no matter how silly they seem to you, as seriously as your own. Also, no double standards anywhere in your life together. No matter how exhausted or aggravated you are yourself at that moment. Consistently doing that takes a lot more self discipline than most people have. I can't say we've always succeeded, but after 26 years I'd say it has been worth the effort. N.B. I'm not saying you shouldn't have your own preferences and habits and pet peeves. I'm totally not into that "become one person" thing; my wife and I are in fact pretty notoriously independent and happy to do our own separate things e.g. at social gatherings. There will be conflicts between your priorities and theirs. I'm just saying that those conflicts should be resolved starting from a position of equality.

em-bee 5y ago
"Treat each other's needs and priorities as equal to our own" i'd go a step further and say that we each are responsible for each others needs and priorities. at least the important ones. my job is to enable and support your needs and priorities, and your job is to enable and support mine. your needs are actually more important than my own. this of course only works if we both understand, agree and respect on what each others needs and priorities are. which requires open communication. because if you take advantage of me fulfilling your needs while you ignore my needs then the relationship will fail.
- notacoward 5y ago
  Can't sign on with that. Subordinating one's own desires to the other or to the relationship like that isn't healthy, even if it's mutual, and I'm pretty sure my own marriage wouldn't have lasted this long if either of us had tried it. "Two servants" doesn't work. I think O. Henry even wrote a story about where it leads, and can lead even with the best of communication. Consciously or no, sooner or later one person will demand more and - lacking any directive that would pull things back into balance - you'll have an unequal relationship. IMO treating each other's needs as exactly equal, no less but also no more, does provide the necessary pull toward the center and thus is more sustainable long term.
  - em-bee 5y ago
    fair point. maybe i am seeing things a bit to idealistic. it depends on the persons character. someone who is not assertive needs more attention from their partner to their needs than others. it also makes more sense to look at it from the other side: if i know that my partner is subordinating her desires for my sake, then i have an extra responsibility to make sure that i take care of her needs.

em-bee 5y ago

"Treat each other's needs and priorities as equal to our own" i'd go a step further and say that we each are responsible for each others needs and priorities. at least the important ones. my job is to enable and support your needs and priorities, and your job is to enable and support mine. your needs are actually more important than my own. this of course only works if we both understand, agree and respect on what each others needs and priorities are. which requires open communication. because if you take advantage of me fulfilling your needs while you ignore my needs then the relationship will fail.

notacoward 5y ago
Can't sign on with that. Subordinating one's own desires to the other or to the relationship like that isn't healthy, even if it's mutual, and I'm pretty sure my own marriage wouldn't have lasted this long if either of us had tried it. "Two servants" doesn't work. I think O. Henry even wrote a story about where it leads, and can lead even with the best of communication. Consciously or no, sooner or later one person will demand more and - lacking any directive that would pull things back into balance - you'll have an unequal relationship. IMO treating each other's needs as exactly equal, no less but also no more, does provide the necessary pull toward the center and thus is more sustainable long term.
- em-bee 5y ago
  fair point. maybe i am seeing things a bit to idealistic. it depends on the persons character. someone who is not assertive needs more attention from their partner to their needs than others. it also makes more sense to look at it from the other side: if i know that my partner is subordinating her desires for my sake, then i have an extra responsibility to make sure that i take care of her needs.