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The problem in the case mentioned in the article was not with the writer that left the glass by the sink, it's with the other person that was bothered with some

The problem in the case mentioned in the article was not with the writer that left the glass by the sink, it's with the other person that was bothered with something so minor...usually these minor things are excuses that cover deeper problems. Above all, marriage is a series of compromises: you give up something for something else. You can't have it all. Personally, I put up with my wife's problematic-for-me but not-for-her small habits, because we have a family and the well being of us and our children is priority. Loving the other person includes giving them room to breath, and chasing them after their small habits is suffocating...

jugg1es 4y ago
Isn't that what the author is saying? The deeper problem was that the wife felt that the authors' inability to do something so simple for her sake was indicative of disrespect. Not acknowledging that your partner is worth a couple seconds of consideration is a pretty deep problem. The author probably demonstrated this disrespect in multiple ways, but the glass by the sink is a succinct way of summarizing the whole problem.
- bachmeier 4y ago
  To be completely honest, I got the point, but I don't think this is good writing. Did anyone learn anything from the article? Probably not. Did anyone do any deeper thinking because of the article? Probably not.
  - igetspam 4y ago
    I did some reflection. I agree it's not a great article but I read it and did a self assessment. I don't ever want my marriage to end and people sharing their failures gives me another thing to consider, in hopes that I can avoid a similar outcome.
- mistrial9 4y ago
  for some relationships, this is a signal of animal dominance basically.. "do it my way, because I say so" happens every day
- igetspam 4y ago
  It seems as though people are focusing on the hook and not the core argument. The author clearly states his marriage failed from "death by a thousand papercuts" and this glass-by-the-sink is an example of not understanding their spouse.
  - elliekelly 4y ago
    I’m shocked by how many people in this thread have been completely derailed thinking the literal glass is the issue rather than being symbolic of the issue. I always hated how much teachers would drill symbolism and literary device analysis into you in school but then I come across threads like this I wonder whether we aren’t focusing on it enough.
    - gizmo686 4y ago
      The water cup example isn't symbolic, it is prototypical. That is to say, it is meant to be a representative example of the a metaphorical paper cut. People in this thread are latching on to it for the same reason the author used it; it is not clear how else to talk about the larger issue. Different interepratations of the prototypical example leads to different interperatations of the larger issue. If you must use examples to communicate your point, the normal solution to this is to use many different examples.
      - trgn 4y ago
        We were replying at the same time and crossposted. You said it better. As a reader, I would have loved to have more examples.
        igetspam 4y ago
        Agreed but the point is made more than once and in plain terms that the glass was not the problem it was an indication of a behavioral issue that went unrecognized until it was too late for self reflection to make a difference. It's not a great article in the surface but the message has merit.
- thisNeeds2BeSad 4y ago
  There are examples though, were this death by a thousand pin-pricks is a attempt at "takeover" aka expecting to be in control of everything your partner does and using emotional blackmail should he not retreat at once. At the end of this, you become a stranger in your own life, programmed into the small details by somebody else, who then leaves you because you are "boring and predictable".
didgeoridoo 4y ago
Exactly. I am on the other side of this in my marriage — my wife leaves her water glass out (sometimes for days) because she “might want to use it again”. It bothered me, so I put it in the dishwasher. She didn’t like that, so I stopped doing it. And I got over the fact that there are sometimes six or seven half-full glasses around the house at any time, because I am not a petty psychotic who would take something so trivial to be representative of how my wife does or doesn’t respect me. Good lord.
- The-Bus 4y ago
  Plus, they protect you in the eventuality of an alien attack. Make sure you keep a bat around too.
  - KineticLensman 4y ago
    > Plus, they protect you in the eventuality of an alien attack. Except when the aliens are ransacking Earth for its water. See the documentaries V [0] and Battle: Los Angeles [1] for more on this. [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/V_(1983_miniseries) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/V_(1983_miniseries) [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle:_Los_Angeles https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle:_Los_Angeles
    - kingcharles 4y ago
      And Oblivion: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oblivion_(2013_film) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oblivion_(2013_film)
  - ceejayoz 4y ago
    I still want an explanation as to how the aliens in that movie managed to miss that 70% of the planet is covered by a deadly poison, and that it literally falls from the sky in most places.
    - Jiro 4y ago
      There's the theory that the aliens are really demons and it's not water they're vulnerable to, but holy water.
xtracto 4y ago
I am not so sure. In my case, my wife is the "messy" one: Opens a can and leaves the lid in the kitchen table, leaves used clothes all around the bedroom and bathroom, etc. We've been married for 14 years, and the first years it was a constant struggle for me to try to change her behaviour. We even have gotten to the point of raising the divorce card in discussions related to this. But, fast forward to today, I learned not to care. I learned that the decision is easy: Either I accept that she is like that, or I get out of the door. I am free to go whenever I want (as we don't have kids), and after meditating over that choice I've realized that those "bad" things don't really matter. After accepting that, I became happier and less "confrontative" with her.
- 88913527 4y ago
  Sorry to be solutioning here, and I'd imagine you've already tried this after 14 years, but sometimes changing habits can be solved with things like buying an extra laundry basket. It's seems like a small thing, but these adjustments can provide the accessibility that make it simpler to meet in the middle. In the kitchen, we keep a mini-waste bin on our countertop for used coffee grinds. It works for us.
  - hallway_monitor 4y ago
    Exactly. Although GP's solution of learning to live with this particular habit is great and necessary, changing the environment is almost always necessary to change behavior. Always look so see what simple change will encourage the behavior you want.
  - brimble 4y ago
    1000% this, it's my default solution for most things. I always make sure "change the environment" can't work before I go to "change behavior" (mine or others') Trash accumulating somewhere? That spot needs a trash can. Clothes? That spot needs a hamper/basket. Spot in the yard keeps getting messed up due to walking or cars going off the driveway there? Put down some stone. Behavior modification (for some sorts of things, anyway) should be a last resort because it probably won't work, and requires ongoing effort. Fix the environment, and it's done.
commandlinefan 4y ago
Yeah, if he had put his glass away, she would have found something else to be "upset" about.
bee_rider 4y ago
Mostly agree, although: > it's with the other person that was bothered with something so minor...usually these minor things are excuses that cover deeper problems. seems to point the blame at the other person. Really the marriage was probably screwed for nebulous confusing reasons, they both could feel it without really being able to express it coherently, so they fought proxy battles over dishes and other chores.

jugg1es 4y ago

Isn't that what the author is saying? The deeper problem was that the wife felt that the authors' inability to do something so simple for her sake was indicative of disrespect. Not acknowledging that your partner is worth a couple seconds of consideration is a pretty deep problem. The author probably demonstrated this disrespect in multiple ways, but the glass by the sink is a succinct way of summarizing the whole problem.

bachmeier 4y ago
To be completely honest, I got the point, but I don't think this is good writing. Did anyone learn anything from the article? Probably not. Did anyone do any deeper thinking because of the article? Probably not.
- igetspam 4y ago
  I did some reflection. I agree it's not a great article but I read it and did a self assessment. I don't ever want my marriage to end and people sharing their failures gives me another thing to consider, in hopes that I can avoid a similar outcome.
mistrial9 4y ago
for some relationships, this is a signal of animal dominance basically.. "do it my way, because I say so" happens every day
igetspam 4y ago
It seems as though people are focusing on the hook and not the core argument. The author clearly states his marriage failed from "death by a thousand papercuts" and this glass-by-the-sink is an example of not understanding their spouse.
- elliekelly 4y ago
  I’m shocked by how many people in this thread have been completely derailed thinking the literal glass is the issue rather than being symbolic of the issue. I always hated how much teachers would drill symbolism and literary device analysis into you in school but then I come across threads like this I wonder whether we aren’t focusing on it enough.
  - gizmo686 4y ago
    The water cup example isn't symbolic, it is prototypical. That is to say, it is meant to be a representative example of the a metaphorical paper cut. People in this thread are latching on to it for the same reason the author used it; it is not clear how else to talk about the larger issue. Different interepratations of the prototypical example leads to different interperatations of the larger issue. If you must use examples to communicate your point, the normal solution to this is to use many different examples.
    - trgn 4y ago
      We were replying at the same time and crossposted. You said it better. As a reader, I would have loved to have more examples.
      - igetspam 4y ago
        Agreed but the point is made more than once and in plain terms that the glass was not the problem it was an indication of a behavioral issue that went unrecognized until it was too late for self reflection to make a difference. It's not a great article in the surface but the message has merit.
thisNeeds2BeSad 4y ago
There are examples though, were this death by a thousand pin-pricks is a attempt at "takeover" aka expecting to be in control of everything your partner does and using emotional blackmail should he not retreat at once. At the end of this, you become a stranger in your own life, programmed into the small details by somebody else, who then leaves you because you are "boring and predictable".

didgeoridoo 4y ago

Exactly. I am on the other side of this in my marriage — my wife leaves her water glass out (sometimes for days) because she “might want to use it again”. It bothered me, so I put it in the dishwasher. She didn’t like that, so I stopped doing it. And I got over the fact that there are sometimes six or seven half-full glasses around the house at any time, because I am not a petty psychotic who would take something so trivial to be representative of how my wife does or doesn’t respect me. Good lord.

The-Bus 4y ago
Plus, they protect you in the eventuality of an alien attack. Make sure you keep a bat around too.
- KineticLensman 4y ago
  > Plus, they protect you in the eventuality of an alien attack. Except when the aliens are ransacking Earth for its water. See the documentaries V [0] and Battle: Los Angeles [1] for more on this. [0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/V_(1983_miniseries) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/V_(1983_miniseries) [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle:_Los_Angeles https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle:_Los_Angeles
  - kingcharles 4y ago
    And Oblivion: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oblivion_(2013_film) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oblivion_(2013_film)
- ceejayoz 4y ago
  I still want an explanation as to how the aliens in that movie managed to miss that 70% of the planet is covered by a deadly poison, and that it literally falls from the sky in most places.
  - Jiro 4y ago
    There's the theory that the aliens are really demons and it's not water they're vulnerable to, but holy water.

xtracto 4y ago

I am not so sure. In my case, my wife is the "messy" one: Opens a can and leaves the lid in the kitchen table, leaves used clothes all around the bedroom and bathroom, etc. We've been married for 14 years, and the first years it was a constant struggle for me to try to change her behaviour. We even have gotten to the point of raising the divorce card in discussions related to this. But, fast forward to today, I learned not to care. I learned that the decision is easy: Either I accept that she is like that, or I get out of the door. I am free to go whenever I want (as we don't have kids), and after meditating over that choice I've realized that those "bad" things don't really matter. After accepting that, I became happier and less "confrontative" with her.

88913527 4y ago
Sorry to be solutioning here, and I'd imagine you've already tried this after 14 years, but sometimes changing habits can be solved with things like buying an extra laundry basket. It's seems like a small thing, but these adjustments can provide the accessibility that make it simpler to meet in the middle. In the kitchen, we keep a mini-waste bin on our countertop for used coffee grinds. It works for us.
- hallway_monitor 4y ago
  Exactly. Although GP's solution of learning to live with this particular habit is great and necessary, changing the environment is almost always necessary to change behavior. Always look so see what simple change will encourage the behavior you want.
- brimble 4y ago
  1000% this, it's my default solution for most things. I always make sure "change the environment" can't work before I go to "change behavior" (mine or others') Trash accumulating somewhere? That spot needs a trash can. Clothes? That spot needs a hamper/basket. Spot in the yard keeps getting messed up due to walking or cars going off the driveway there? Put down some stone. Behavior modification (for some sorts of things, anyway) should be a last resort because it probably won't work, and requires ongoing effort. Fix the environment, and it's done.

commandlinefan 4y ago

Yeah, if he had put his glass away, she would have found something else to be "upset" about.

bee_rider 4y ago

Mostly agree, although: > it's with the other person that was bothered with something so minor...usually these minor things are excuses that cover deeper problems. seems to point the blame at the other person. Really the marriage was probably screwed for nebulous confusing reasons, they both could feel it without really being able to express it coherently, so they fought proxy battles over dishes and other chores.