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It’s very simple. If something is minor for you but your partner prompts you extensively that it triggers them - change yourself. The willingness to listen and

• captaincaveman 4y ago
  'Change yourself', 'just be yourself', no one can decide what the duck to do! Do you keep changing yourself to meet their every whim, maybe they should just let it go, it's just a glass?
  • ay 4y ago
    Why would you be with a person you aren’t willing to change yourself for ?
    • captaincaveman 4y ago
      I'm not saying there shouldn't be flexibility, it's give and take, but there clearly should be some limits. So blanket advice of change what your doing to satisfy all minor complaints isn't great advice in my opinion.
• AnimalMuppet 4y ago
  This is easy to get wrong. She says "X bugs me". But to me, X should not have been a big deal, so it doesn't register with me. Maybe she says it again, and I still think it's no big deal. Finally we reach the point where she's crying, and she tells me "X really bothers me". And I realize: "Oh, yeah, she's told me that before..." So, you know, be smarter than I've been. When she says that something bugs her, don't filter her statement through what bugs you or through what you expect to bug people. Instead, listen.
  • ay 4y ago
    If a person says something bugs them and you don’t react it is a reflection of you not caring about what they are feeling. Repeated non-reaction: mightily so. Saying “i love you” is easy. Making these little sacrifices on your ego that show the other person you care about them can be much harder, but shows your feelings much more. However: there must always remain a perception of fairness in the relationship. I am very intentionally not saying “the equal amount of sacrifice” because the dynamics are different for everyone.
  • spadros 4y ago
    Where’s the limit here? How trivial of an action is one allowed to build resent over? At what point should one just grow up and try to love the imperfections of the partner they married? Sounded like the wife was the one with the issue. And it doesn’t sound like the problem really was over a glass on the counter at the root of it.
• bluefirebrand 4y ago
  On the opposite side, if you don't like something that your partner does, and they don't seem to think it's a big deal, maybe take a step back and re-evaluate if it's really something that you need to be bothered by. If it is actually a problem, then yes, insist on it being fixed. If it is actually minor, maybe adjust your expectations and get over it. After all, that's also a form of listening and adjusting yourself. It's important to know that in relationships you can't expect to get your way all of the time, and that you don't automatically get your way just because you're the one with a grievance.
  • ay 4y ago
    My biggest takeaway is you can never really “insist on getting it fixed” without the damage to the relationship. You can state how it is important to you, explain why, and hope that the partner initiates the change to themselves. There is a subtle difference between the two; “push” vs “pull”, if you will.
    • justin_oaks 4y ago
      I've heard it said as "Love requests; it never demands"
    • em-bee 4y ago
      what needs to be fixed is the disagreement itself. it doesn't matter how the issue in question gets fixed, but you need to come to an amicable solution. this is only possible if both partners respect and care for each other and are willing to listen and support each others needs. in the article when the author says that he'd want to agree to disagree he was not respecting his wife. he was basically saying: you are wrong, but i don't want to fight over this. that doesn't help. you need to work it out until there is an actual solution that both can agree with. once you have solved one problem like this, it opens the door to approach more problems. i think it helps to start with smaller problems where the actual outcome doesn't matter. like it doesn't matter who gets their way with putting away the dishes. what matters is that each partner gets to share their feelings about the issue and that those feelings are being respected.
• deleted 4y ago
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• smackeyacky 4y ago
  What if you are being triggered by the incessent whining over something trivial? That's emotional abuse. I wouldn't put up with that, this kind of stuff needs perspective. The only thing I got out of the article was that he was married to a control freak who liked to keep them off balance all the time.
  • ay 4y ago
    If you are triggered by anything it is something you need to ask yourself why. And why you are with that person then, if they are triggering you. With some (minor) exceptions, what people are getting in their relationships is at least 50% result of their own choices, and not owning that only prolongs the effects.
    • AlwaysRock 4y ago
      I cant think of worse relationship advise than be with someone who never triggers a negative response in you.
      • ay 4y ago
        Some people are into shibari. And some aren’t. And both are okay. Edit-add: also, I think “being with a person who never triggers a negative response in you” is just plain impossible. On some days I trigger a negative response with myself :-) But based on my limited experience of two 10+ years relationships, I can say life is so much easier and fun when you have less things to disagree about. But I also acknowledge that this is how I am wired - for some, fights are stimulating. Hence my initial reply with shibari. There exist rather interesting pathways to happiness.
      • spadros 4y ago
        What? You want more negative experiences? That defines a good relationship for you? I can’t think of a better goal than to be with somebody so compatible that you have minimal friction and minimal issues.
        • 4y ago
• raldi 4y ago
  “I like leaving my glass by the sink, but I know you really hate it. Tell you what, I’ll stop doing it (which is not a concession that it’s wrong) as an act of love for you.” Then they express gratitude, and before you know it, you’ll get a favor like that back on something you really care about.
  • ceejayoz 4y ago
    This. It's like small withdrawals/deposits into a savings account. Take out $1 at a time a whole bunch of times without topping it up and the account winds up empty, even if there weren't any massive withdrawals.
  • Biologist123 4y ago
    Niiice.
  • trelane 4y ago
    > before you know it, you’ll get a favor like that back on something you really care about. That is not at all guaranteed. Personally, I'd by surprised if it were commonly correct.
    • yazaddaruvala 4y ago
      If it were guaranteed it would be a contract, not an act of love. As others have said in other comments here, "you can't keep score". I'm still working on making sense of this too.
• notacoward 4y ago
  > If something is minor for you ... change yourself. On the one hand, I think this can lead to ruin in its own way. It cedes all ground to the most neurotic or controlling partner. It breeds resentment in the one who has to make all the concessions. Instead, I would suggest that these conflicts should be resolved explicitly and deliberately. Sometimes that will lead to one person reminding themselves to put the glass in the dishwasher. Sometimes it will lead to the other person reminding themselves that it doesn't matter. Either way, as long as it's a resolution that is mutually agreed and balanced with all of the other minor concessions that each is making, I think it's OK. On the other hand, a variant of this is a good rule even in non-intimate relationships. If something takes you trivial time or effort, and means a lot to someone else, DO IT. Even for a total stranger. It increases the total "good karma" (but without the moral weight) in the system. Sooner or later, if enough people keep doing it, some of that will come back to you. Something that might have seemed onerous becomes less so because of someone else's minor generosity. IMO the fact that this isn't a common habit, that it's even discouraged by the dominant "everything should be strictly transactional" dogma (ignoring actual results from game and complexity theory), degrades life a bit for everyone. P.S. Lest anyone claim I'm being inconsistent, changing yourself is hard. It's not a minor effort, like taking one moment to do someone a small favor. They're very different scenarios.
  • ay 4y ago
    Absolutely agree with your caveats! I forgot to mention the “perception of fairness” that is another useful component to a long term balance. And - communication, communication, communication. Unfortunately the latter is often suppressed by the everyday pressures until it’s too late.