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> If you don't get much out of it - don't worry, they will. Im very selfish I get nothing out of helping others but I do it anyway and usually it ends up hurti

> If you don't get much out of it - don't worry, they will. Im very selfish I get nothing out of helping others but I do it anyway and usually it ends up hurting the person I am trying to help, as the help is unwanted or the way I was helping was unwanted. You would think people would just be grateful for you trying but it turns out they are just as focused on themselves as myself. It seems most people don't really want help they want some one to boss around and they call that help. I have no interest in being some ones lacky for no ones benefit but theirs in the same way no one wants to be my lacky. Helping people is easy helping people in a way they won't hate you for it is very difficult.

wing-_-nuts 5y ago
Man come on. This sounds like you've tried to help some people you care about with issues that are down to a lack of discipline (addiction, financial problems, etc), and people resented you for it. Now you're writing off all charity and volunteerism because of it? Get real. This is just lazy nihilism.
- cko 5y ago
  I have had many examples in my life where helping friends have made them dependent on it and later take it for granted. I didn't really set out to help them, either. Just kinda kept saying yes until they expected me to keep saying yes and became 'surprised' if I hesitated when they asked for too much. It was easy for me most of the time, having the freedom of being single and tons of free time. And these are good people. People I like and am still friends with. Maybe not the most introspective people, but then again probably human nature at work. My selfish motivation for helping was to be liked or respected more. And it made feel good. I got what I wanted but there is also a cost.
- dangerface 5y ago
  Im not trying to write off all charity and volunteerism, my comment is about myself and the problems I have trying to help others, I simply noticed that how I was trying to help wasn't helping. For example you'r comment to "Get real" what does that mean? I assume you don't think I am a robot I assume you mean it as genuinely trying to help in the way you might tell an addict to get real or grow up its a platitude telling them to stop doing the thing they know is bad. A few years ago I would have agreed with you but I have had a realisation about the way I try to help people, does it help them? Will they stop being addicted? probably not, most likely they have heard it before and will just take offence at being talked down to they will double down on the bad behaviour out of spite. Does it help me? When I tell people to grow up it boosts my ego makes me feel like I know what I am talking about, like their problems are so easily solved if only they where on my level of understanding. When I realise that my style of help, helps no one and nothing but my ego is it really help? No it's not, its simply me being arrogant. When I realise that my style of help is no help at all should I continue to subject people to it? No it's not helpful to do so, I don't need my ego stroked and I don't want to hurt others with my good intentions. This doesn't mean that I am agains't helping others I simply realised a problem with how I specifically was trying to help others, I was just trying to boost my ego. I wish I could claim this realisation as my own but in truth it was pointed out to me. If some one pointed out that your idea of help was the same as mine could you accept this realisation or would you become resentful?
andruby 5y ago
That’s a very pessimistic view. I’m sorry you’ve had such experiences. Are most of those in the context of your work or also in the context of family, friends and neighbors? I’ve had mixed reactions with work, but usually good reactions when helping people in my social circle.
- dangerface 5y ago
  > That’s a very pessimistic view. I’m sorry you’ve had such experiences. It is and I would like to change it tbh but I mostly don't want people to resent me. I think the issue that cause those bad experiences is specifically I try to help when its not wanted and I find it difficult to figure out when help is actually wanted. Often people will say "Im fine" when they are not and really want some one to show interest and listen to them. Some times they are fine and are tired of every one prying, I just don't have the emotional intelligence to determine between the two. Its easier (safer) for me to do nothing and wait for some one to explicitly ask me for help which never happens, no one wants to be a burden even tho I would quite welcome the burden. I recognise this problem is solely a me problem and I would like to improve on this but its difficult to know when to help and when to leave alone. Some one else suggested I "get real" but I don't know what that means or how to do that. I tried touching grass it was wet still no idea how to help people without them explicitly asking. Thanks for replying I think the differences between helping in work and social is true and something I haven't really considered before perhaps that can help me understand when to help.

wing-_-nuts 5y ago

Man come on. This sounds like you've tried to help some people you care about with issues that are down to a lack of discipline (addiction, financial problems, etc), and people resented you for it. Now you're writing off all charity and volunteerism because of it? Get real. This is just lazy nihilism.

cko 5y ago
I have had many examples in my life where helping friends have made them dependent on it and later take it for granted. I didn't really set out to help them, either. Just kinda kept saying yes until they expected me to keep saying yes and became 'surprised' if I hesitated when they asked for too much. It was easy for me most of the time, having the freedom of being single and tons of free time. And these are good people. People I like and am still friends with. Maybe not the most introspective people, but then again probably human nature at work. My selfish motivation for helping was to be liked or respected more. And it made feel good. I got what I wanted but there is also a cost.
dangerface 5y ago
Im not trying to write off all charity and volunteerism, my comment is about myself and the problems I have trying to help others, I simply noticed that how I was trying to help wasn't helping. For example you'r comment to "Get real" what does that mean? I assume you don't think I am a robot I assume you mean it as genuinely trying to help in the way you might tell an addict to get real or grow up its a platitude telling them to stop doing the thing they know is bad. A few years ago I would have agreed with you but I have had a realisation about the way I try to help people, does it help them? Will they stop being addicted? probably not, most likely they have heard it before and will just take offence at being talked down to they will double down on the bad behaviour out of spite. Does it help me? When I tell people to grow up it boosts my ego makes me feel like I know what I am talking about, like their problems are so easily solved if only they where on my level of understanding. When I realise that my style of help, helps no one and nothing but my ego is it really help? No it's not, its simply me being arrogant. When I realise that my style of help is no help at all should I continue to subject people to it? No it's not helpful to do so, I don't need my ego stroked and I don't want to hurt others with my good intentions. This doesn't mean that I am agains't helping others I simply realised a problem with how I specifically was trying to help others, I was just trying to boost my ego. I wish I could claim this realisation as my own but in truth it was pointed out to me. If some one pointed out that your idea of help was the same as mine could you accept this realisation or would you become resentful?

andruby 5y ago

That’s a very pessimistic view. I’m sorry you’ve had such experiences. Are most of those in the context of your work or also in the context of family, friends and neighbors? I’ve had mixed reactions with work, but usually good reactions when helping people in my social circle.

dangerface 5y ago
> That’s a very pessimistic view. I’m sorry you’ve had such experiences. It is and I would like to change it tbh but I mostly don't want people to resent me. I think the issue that cause those bad experiences is specifically I try to help when its not wanted and I find it difficult to figure out when help is actually wanted. Often people will say "Im fine" when they are not and really want some one to show interest and listen to them. Some times they are fine and are tired of every one prying, I just don't have the emotional intelligence to determine between the two. Its easier (safer) for me to do nothing and wait for some one to explicitly ask me for help which never happens, no one wants to be a burden even tho I would quite welcome the burden. I recognise this problem is solely a me problem and I would like to improve on this but its difficult to know when to help and when to leave alone. Some one else suggested I "get real" but I don't know what that means or how to do that. I tried touching grass it was wet still no idea how to help people without them explicitly asking. Thanks for replying I think the differences between helping in work and social is true and something I haven't really considered before perhaps that can help me understand when to help.