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> Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. I am 26 and this is has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with over the past few years. I thought

> Fulfilment comes from within, not externally. I am 26 and this is has been the hardest thing for me to come to terms with over the past few years. I thought I'd be happier with a high paying job. So I got a job that pays at the 99.9th percentile for my age. Didn't really make me happier. Then I thought my unhappiness was because of my weight. So I lost 90lbs. Hardest thing I've ever done. But it didn't make me happy. Today a voice in my head is telling me "you'll be happier if you get muscular," "you'll be happier if you get in a relationship." I plan to do all of those things, but I realize they probably won't make me happy. What has helped somewhat with fulfillment was placing a fundamentally greater value on myself. Reflecting on my accomplishments has made this a bit easier. And I do value myself a lot more today than I did two years ago - my confidence is higher, even if not as high I hoped it would be... I can't help but feel a bit lost. My accomplishments did not provide me the concrete, grounding, pervading feeling of achievement I hoped they would find. I wasn't happy after them. Instead, there was... nothing, and now I feel like I'm kind of just floating without direction when it comes to "finding happiness."

fxtentacle 5y ago
I believe you mistook the path for the goal, or the future for the now, if you want. Exercise will make you happy, but only while you're doing it. Getting a raise will make you happy, but only for a short time period after that raise. "Having" a relationship won't make you that happy, but the process of building the relationship is highly enjoyable. The key to happiness is to do those things that make you happy while you do them. Sacrificing your personal now for a better future is one of those church ideals that always struck me as weird. That said, if you work on making the planet better, that work will probably also make you happy as long as you keep doing it. But the "better planet" itself is too abstract to make you happy long-term.
- caffeine 5y ago
  < Exercise will make you happy, but only while you're doing it. Getting a raise will make you happy, but only for a short time period after that raise. "Having" a relationship won't make you that happy, but the process of building the relationship is highly enjoyable. Hey, thank you for crystallising such a fundamental and valuable piece of wisdom so neatly.
- gardaani 5y ago
  > The key to happiness is to do those things that make you happy while you do them. Exactly. It's not about reaching the destination. It's about enjoying the journey.
- bigblind 5y ago
  > Sacrificing your personal now for a better future is one of those church ideals that always struck me as weird. I think in certain ways they're valid, but more for creating circumstances that will allow you to do fulfilling things in the future. Taking care of your body now to avoid health issues in the future, saving now so you don't have to worry about money in the future. I guess a common baseline requirement for happiness is a sense of freedom. A healthy body gives you freedom to move (move in the broadest sense of the word, meaning also mobility, being able to pick something up from the floor without too many aches and pains), some financial backing means you're not constantly worrying about where your next meal comes from, so you're free to think about other things.
Cthulhu_ 5y ago
I mean... it didn't make you happier, but it's better to be unhappy and rich than unhappy and poor, or obese, or physically weak. Single / in a relationship can be hit and miss though; it could work, but it might make things worse. Don't settle for anyone / anything. That said, having a relationship helped me out of my funk, which was not dissimilar to yours. I - and my girlfriend - are now more content with mediocrity.
goodpoint 5y ago
[I am not a psychologist] but it seems you described the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill
caffeine 5y ago
Two things to think about: 1. Maybe steady-state “feeling happiness” isn’t a good goal? Like, so what if you “feel happy?” If that’s all you want, opiates are widely available. Maybe a better set of goals would be “peak satisfaction” combined with tangible external outcomes that you consider worthwhile. 2. The accomplishments you have listed are mostly about yourself. They feel empty now because you have basically got yourself under control. What can you improve in the world outside yourself? Can you improve the company where you work? Or your family in some tangible way? I’ll give you one small example: My cousin and his wife had failed two expensive rounds of IVF already, and they are comfortable but not in high paying jobs. They were struggling to afford another round. They had asked the family for help with a go fund me but didn’t come close to what was needed. I had just gotten a bonus, and the total amount needed (several $K) was an amount I could well afford so I just sent it to them. I didn’t make it a big deal, and made sure they understood they owe me nothing. To this day, I get a warm glow of satisfaction when I see my niece or they send pictures. Way more than what I get from checking my bank account or reflecting on other “self” accomplishments.
- neebz 5y ago
  awesome. thanks for sharing.
bloqs 5y ago
The pursuit of happiness specifically is pointless, and vague. What you need is meaning. Meaningful pursuit is something that you truly, deeply believe in doing because it will make the world better, both for you, and everyone in it.
yoshyosh 5y ago
Highly recommend checking out the Wheel of Life[1], to help you understand the different areas that contribute to happiness, it's never just one thing. Writing down what you think will get an area to a 10, envisioning it, then seeing if you feel that would feel like a 10 is a great way to uncover where you may be overthinking what gets you there before doing all that work. Gratitude should also help with each area that you feel is fulfilled, otherwise you just never have enough [1] https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_93.htm https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_93.htm
SnowHill9902 5y ago
If you want to be happy you’ll never be happy.

fxtentacle 5y ago

I believe you mistook the path for the goal, or the future for the now, if you want. Exercise will make you happy, but only while you're doing it. Getting a raise will make you happy, but only for a short time period after that raise. "Having" a relationship won't make you that happy, but the process of building the relationship is highly enjoyable. The key to happiness is to do those things that make you happy while you do them. Sacrificing your personal now for a better future is one of those church ideals that always struck me as weird. That said, if you work on making the planet better, that work will probably also make you happy as long as you keep doing it. But the "better planet" itself is too abstract to make you happy long-term.

caffeine 5y ago
< Exercise will make you happy, but only while you're doing it. Getting a raise will make you happy, but only for a short time period after that raise. "Having" a relationship won't make you that happy, but the process of building the relationship is highly enjoyable. Hey, thank you for crystallising such a fundamental and valuable piece of wisdom so neatly.
gardaani 5y ago
> The key to happiness is to do those things that make you happy while you do them. Exactly. It's not about reaching the destination. It's about enjoying the journey.
bigblind 5y ago
> Sacrificing your personal now for a better future is one of those church ideals that always struck me as weird. I think in certain ways they're valid, but more for creating circumstances that will allow you to do fulfilling things in the future. Taking care of your body now to avoid health issues in the future, saving now so you don't have to worry about money in the future. I guess a common baseline requirement for happiness is a sense of freedom. A healthy body gives you freedom to move (move in the broadest sense of the word, meaning also mobility, being able to pick something up from the floor without too many aches and pains), some financial backing means you're not constantly worrying about where your next meal comes from, so you're free to think about other things.

Cthulhu_ 5y ago

I mean... it didn't make you happier, but it's better to be unhappy and rich than unhappy and poor, or obese, or physically weak. Single / in a relationship can be hit and miss though; it could work, but it might make things worse. Don't settle for anyone / anything. That said, having a relationship helped me out of my funk, which was not dissimilar to yours. I - and my girlfriend - are now more content with mediocrity.

goodpoint 5y ago

[I am not a psychologist] but it seems you described the https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill

caffeine 5y ago

Two things to think about: 1. Maybe steady-state “feeling happiness” isn’t a good goal? Like, so what if you “feel happy?” If that’s all you want, opiates are widely available. Maybe a better set of goals would be “peak satisfaction” combined with tangible external outcomes that you consider worthwhile. 2. The accomplishments you have listed are mostly about yourself. They feel empty now because you have basically got yourself under control. What can you improve in the world outside yourself? Can you improve the company where you work? Or your family in some tangible way? I’ll give you one small example: My cousin and his wife had failed two expensive rounds of IVF already, and they are comfortable but not in high paying jobs. They were struggling to afford another round. They had asked the family for help with a go fund me but didn’t come close to what was needed. I had just gotten a bonus, and the total amount needed (several $K) was an amount I could well afford so I just sent it to them. I didn’t make it a big deal, and made sure they understood they owe me nothing. To this day, I get a warm glow of satisfaction when I see my niece or they send pictures. Way more than what I get from checking my bank account or reflecting on other “self” accomplishments.

neebz 5y ago
awesome. thanks for sharing.

bloqs 5y ago

The pursuit of happiness specifically is pointless, and vague. What you need is meaning. Meaningful pursuit is something that you truly, deeply believe in doing because it will make the world better, both for you, and everyone in it.

yoshyosh 5y ago

Highly recommend checking out the Wheel of Life[1], to help you understand the different areas that contribute to happiness, it's never just one thing. Writing down what you think will get an area to a 10, envisioning it, then seeing if you feel that would feel like a 10 is a great way to uncover where you may be overthinking what gets you there before doing all that work. Gratitude should also help with each area that you feel is fulfilled, otherwise you just never have enough [1] https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_93.htm https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newHTE_93.htm

SnowHill9902 5y ago

If you want to be happy you’ll never be happy.