Your utter terror of these drugs is not warranted. Yes, some of them have intolerable side effects. Some of them will just be ineffective. But there are lots an

Your utter terror of these drugs is not warranted. Yes, some of them have intolerable side effects. Some of them will just be ineffective. But there are lots and lots of different antidepressants and there is probably one that will work for you without intolerable side effects. If there isn't, then there are other options (ketamine or TMS for example - but you can't start with these, you have to try antidepressants first). It will take time to figure out, and it will be a lot of work, but you owe it to yourself to at least try, especially if therapy alone hasn't worked. My advice is to get an actual psychiatrist. Your PCP will prescribe antidepressants, but in my experience you'll be way better off relying on the expertise of a specialist, especially if you need to sort through which medication is best for you personally. If you should be in utter terror of anything, it's depression. It is a potentially fatal illness. Also, seriously, don't get medical advice on the internet. Would you ask a random sample of strangers on the street to direct your medical care? I'm guessing no, but that's exactly what you've done here.