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Only in person. I live in a major US city. When I was younger I would freely engage anyone who spoke with me. But I found myself in situations where I would be

Only in person. I live in a major US city. When I was younger I would freely engage anyone who spoke with me. But I found myself in situations where I would be in physical danger sometimes being screamed at sometimes threatened after what began as a seemingly innocuous interaction. And I also got sick of people trying to sell me things or get money from me. I remember in my late teens some guy on the street saying “Hey man! I like your shirt!” My Jimi Hendrix shirt? He must like Jimi Hendrix too. So I started talking with him and in a few minutes he was asking for money. Weeks later I’m wearing a different shirt and I hear “Hey man! I like your shirt!” Once on a commuter train a guy struck up a conversation with me about a book I was reading. It was an interesting conversation. We kept talking as we exited the train and kept talking on the platform as all the other commuters went to their cars and drove away. Now he’s getting kind of excited and raising his voice. And I’m now aware of how large he is and how we are the only two people left at the station. I managed to politely get out of there. Over and over again this kind of thing would happen until I just made a policy to not engage.

tomcam 5y ago
Man that’s a depressing state of affairs.
robocat 5y ago
> until I just made a policy to not engage That sounds sad. You remind me of a friend (probably on the spectrum), that is too open/polite and just doesn’t know how to filter out abusive people. Unfortunately, the good people that are really really worth talking to, can often read that you are closing yourself off, so they politely won’t interact with you. The “bad” people will ignore your social cues. Perhaps there is a certain amount of channeling. Most women (and plenty of men too) have been on the receiving end of excessive unwanted attention at some point in their lives, and they learn how to read genuine worthwhile friendly approaches, versus predatory unwanted approaches. Spot your friends with that skill, and then try to learn from them? The friends I know that have the skill end up meeting worthwhile people in most any situation they are in; even in predatory environments. Location makes some difference, of course. I have travelled a lot, and some countries or towns everybody is trying to grift, while other places everyone is genuinely open and friendly. Or pubs where everyone is welcoming without pressure, versus other pubs where everyone is trying to use or scam you. Your own context makes a difference: if you are with dogs or kids, more people will default to thinking you are okay (modulo other cues) etcetera. Disclaimer: I’m not great at the above, but I try to learn to improve. The friends I know who are great at the above get awesome opportunities - they also tend to be good people themselves. It is like a secret split in society where kind people recognise each other via unobvious protocols. If you don’t know the protocols, then you end up grouped with users and grifters, which is self-reinforcing and hard to change.

tomcam 5y ago

Man that’s a depressing state of affairs.

robocat 5y ago

> until I just made a policy to not engage That sounds sad. You remind me of a friend (probably on the spectrum), that is too open/polite and just doesn’t know how to filter out abusive people. Unfortunately, the good people that are really really worth talking to, can often read that you are closing yourself off, so they politely won’t interact with you. The “bad” people will ignore your social cues. Perhaps there is a certain amount of channeling. Most women (and plenty of men too) have been on the receiving end of excessive unwanted attention at some point in their lives, and they learn how to read genuine worthwhile friendly approaches, versus predatory unwanted approaches. Spot your friends with that skill, and then try to learn from them? The friends I know that have the skill end up meeting worthwhile people in most any situation they are in; even in predatory environments. Location makes some difference, of course. I have travelled a lot, and some countries or towns everybody is trying to grift, while other places everyone is genuinely open and friendly. Or pubs where everyone is welcoming without pressure, versus other pubs where everyone is trying to use or scam you. Your own context makes a difference: if you are with dogs or kids, more people will default to thinking you are okay (modulo other cues) etcetera. Disclaimer: I’m not great at the above, but I try to learn to improve. The friends I know who are great at the above get awesome opportunities - they also tend to be good people themselves. It is like a secret split in society where kind people recognise each other via unobvious protocols. If you don’t know the protocols, then you end up grouped with users and grifters, which is self-reinforcing and hard to change.