5 ms·

I understand that, and think that calling people "immature" is much the same. Why is not wanting to hurt peoples feelings (or being honest about your own) weas

by Chris2048 5y ago

I understand that, and think that calling people "immature" is much the same. Why is not wanting to hurt peoples feelings (or being honest about your own) weaselling out, for example?

crmd 5y ago
Being uncomfortable communicating your feelings, especially with people you trust, is a recipe for social anxiety and dysfunction.
- Chris2048 5y ago
  but it has nothing to do with trust. You can trust someone to keep a secret, but not to be disappointed. an earlier post argued against assuming someone's feelings - in that case you can't be confident what the result of communicating your feeling are, unless you are confident b/c you don't care.
  - crmd 5y ago
    It’s all about trust. You can’t develop an intimate relationship with someone who hides their feelings. Being fake in a misguided attempt to avoid disappointing people is deeply unkind (and probably exhausting).
    - Chris2048 5y ago
      Hides all their feelings, or some?
recursive 5y ago
I don't think that there was ever an intent to hurt anyone's feelings in any of the stories. But further, do you consider it bad to call someone immature? Is that an intentional inconsistency? Do as I say, not as I do?
- Chris2048 5y ago
  > Do as I say, not as I do I said not very mature, not immature. But in any case, I never said you should never call someone immature, but that in this case as an alternative to name-calling someone a baby, it doesn't mean much. Pinning some social situation on someones communication skill, or friendship, or personal virtue for example.
mcphage 5y ago
> Why is not wanting to hurt peoples feelings (or being honest about your own) weaselling out Not wanting to hurt peoples feelings isn't weaseling out. What is weaseling out is assuming what will hurt their feelings, and acting based on that assumption, because you don't want to have a conversation with someone about their feelings.
- Chris2048 5y ago
  > What is weaseling out is assuming what will hurt their feelings I'd say "hedging". what if you have that conversation and it does hurt their feelings? Now you can't undo it, which is why the assumption is needed - you probe the question without showing your hand.
flatline 5y ago
You are discussing a different polarity in communication: do you just care for your own feelings or for the other person’s? That should be a factor in good communication! The article is discussing a different polarity: direct vs indirect communication. Direct communication is being honest and open about your feelings and those of others to the best of your ability. Some people only seem capable of indirect communication, where they say what they think the other person wants to hear and assume their own needs somehow come through, then are upset when the other person takes what they say at face value! And they assume the other person has some ulterior/hidden motive like themselves and try to read more into it than is really there.

I understand that, and think that calling people "immature" is much the same. Why is not wanting to hurt peoples feelings (or being honest about your own) weaselling out, for example?

crmd 5y ago

Being uncomfortable communicating your feelings, especially with people you trust, is a recipe for social anxiety and dysfunction.

Chris2048 5y ago
but it has nothing to do with trust. You can trust someone to keep a secret, but not to be disappointed. an earlier post argued against assuming someone's feelings - in that case you can't be confident what the result of communicating your feeling are, unless you are confident b/c you don't care.
- crmd 5y ago
  It’s all about trust. You can’t develop an intimate relationship with someone who hides their feelings. Being fake in a misguided attempt to avoid disappointing people is deeply unkind (and probably exhausting).
  - Chris2048 5y ago
    Hides all their feelings, or some?

recursive 5y ago

I don't think that there was ever an intent to hurt anyone's feelings in any of the stories. But further, do you consider it bad to call someone immature? Is that an intentional inconsistency? Do as I say, not as I do?

Chris2048 5y ago
> Do as I say, not as I do I said not very mature, not immature. But in any case, I never said you should never call someone immature, but that in this case as an alternative to name-calling someone a baby, it doesn't mean much. Pinning some social situation on someones communication skill, or friendship, or personal virtue for example.

mcphage 5y ago

> Why is not wanting to hurt peoples feelings (or being honest about your own) weaselling out Not wanting to hurt peoples feelings isn't weaseling out. What is weaseling out is assuming what will hurt their feelings, and acting based on that assumption, because you don't want to have a conversation with someone about their feelings.

Chris2048 5y ago
> What is weaseling out is assuming what will hurt their feelings I'd say "hedging". what if you have that conversation and it does hurt their feelings? Now you can't undo it, which is why the assumption is needed - you probe the question without showing your hand.

flatline 5y ago

You are discussing a different polarity in communication: do you just care for your own feelings or for the other person’s? That should be a factor in good communication! The article is discussing a different polarity: direct vs indirect communication. Direct communication is being honest and open about your feelings and those of others to the best of your ability. Some people only seem capable of indirect communication, where they say what they think the other person wants to hear and assume their own needs somehow come through, then are upset when the other person takes what they say at face value! And they assume the other person has some ulterior/hidden motive like themselves and try to read more into it than is really there.