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I don't know. Not wanting your friends to know you don't want to go somewhere in case you end up going isn't a bad thing, I think. but calling people babies, is

by Chris2048 5y ago

I don't know. Not wanting your friends to know you don't want to go somewhere in case you end up going isn't a bad thing, I think. but calling people babies, isn't very mature IMHO.

mooreds 5y ago
This was the tl;dr around that for me. > It only recently occurred to me that what we actually needed was to grow up—get to know ourselves, learn to communicate. Trying to weasel out of all that with an app is, well, basically the entire value prop of Silicon Valley, but more importantly antithetical to growth. Managing your social life requires self-knowledge: Will you be in the mood next week? Will they be mad if you cancel? Will you have fun tonight even though you’re dragging your feet? The trick to answering these questions, I’m finding, is not technology or mind-reading or asking for surpluses of empathy. It’s to stop being a huge baby. The 'baby' nomenclature, while definitely not polite, is a striking way to describe someone who isn't confident enough in their friendships or their self-understanding to bail on plans with honesty. Also, the title of the substack is "Maybe baby" so probably playing on that.
- Chris2048 5y ago
  It maybe striking, but also IMHO inaccurate. Friendships exist in many degrees, they can't all have perfect communication, or be journeys of self-discovery.
lcnPylGDnU4H9OF 5y ago
Consider that it's just an abstraction for "immaturity" and it seems to make more sense. They're not intending to shame someone - except perhaps themselves - for being a baby, they're just describing behavior (albeit, vaguely) as undesirable.
- Chris2048 5y ago
  I understand that, and think that calling people "immature" is much the same. Why is not wanting to hurt peoples feelings (or being honest about your own) weaselling out, for example?
  - crmd 5y ago
    Being uncomfortable communicating your feelings, especially with people you trust, is a recipe for social anxiety and dysfunction.
    - Chris2048 5y ago
      but it has nothing to do with trust. You can trust someone to keep a secret, but not to be disappointed. an earlier post argued against assuming someone's feelings - in that case you can't be confident what the result of communicating your feeling are, unless you are confident b/c you don't care.
      - crmd 5y ago
        It’s all about trust. You can’t develop an intimate relationship with someone who hides their feelings. Being fake in a misguided attempt to avoid disappointing people is deeply unkind (and probably exhausting).
        Chris2048 5y ago
        Hides all their feelings, or some?
  - recursive 5y ago
    I don't think that there was ever an intent to hurt anyone's feelings in any of the stories. But further, do you consider it bad to call someone immature? Is that an intentional inconsistency? Do as I say, not as I do?
    - Chris2048 5y ago
      > Do as I say, not as I do I said not very mature, not immature. But in any case, I never said you should never call someone immature, but that in this case as an alternative to name-calling someone a baby, it doesn't mean much. Pinning some social situation on someones communication skill, or friendship, or personal virtue for example.

I don't know. Not wanting your friends to know you don't want to go somewhere in case you end up going isn't a bad thing, I think. but calling people babies, isn't very mature IMHO.

mooreds 5y ago

This was the tl;dr around that for me. > It only recently occurred to me that what we actually needed was to grow up—get to know ourselves, learn to communicate. Trying to weasel out of all that with an app is, well, basically the entire value prop of Silicon Valley, but more importantly antithetical to growth. Managing your social life requires self-knowledge: Will you be in the mood next week? Will they be mad if you cancel? Will you have fun tonight even though you’re dragging your feet? The trick to answering these questions, I’m finding, is not technology or mind-reading or asking for surpluses of empathy. It’s to stop being a huge baby. The 'baby' nomenclature, while definitely not polite, is a striking way to describe someone who isn't confident enough in their friendships or their self-understanding to bail on plans with honesty. Also, the title of the substack is "Maybe baby" so probably playing on that.

Chris2048 5y ago
It maybe striking, but also IMHO inaccurate. Friendships exist in many degrees, they can't all have perfect communication, or be journeys of self-discovery.

lcnPylGDnU4H9OF 5y ago

Consider that it's just an abstraction for "immaturity" and it seems to make more sense. They're not intending to shame someone - except perhaps themselves - for being a baby, they're just describing behavior (albeit, vaguely) as undesirable.

Chris2048 5y ago
I understand that, and think that calling people "immature" is much the same. Why is not wanting to hurt peoples feelings (or being honest about your own) weaselling out, for example?
- crmd 5y ago
  Being uncomfortable communicating your feelings, especially with people you trust, is a recipe for social anxiety and dysfunction.
  - Chris2048 5y ago
    but it has nothing to do with trust. You can trust someone to keep a secret, but not to be disappointed. an earlier post argued against assuming someone's feelings - in that case you can't be confident what the result of communicating your feeling are, unless you are confident b/c you don't care.
    - crmd 5y ago
      It’s all about trust. You can’t develop an intimate relationship with someone who hides their feelings. Being fake in a misguided attempt to avoid disappointing people is deeply unkind (and probably exhausting).
      - Chris2048 5y ago
        Hides all their feelings, or some?
- recursive 5y ago
  I don't think that there was ever an intent to hurt anyone's feelings in any of the stories. But further, do you consider it bad to call someone immature? Is that an intentional inconsistency? Do as I say, not as I do?
  - Chris2048 5y ago
    > Do as I say, not as I do I said not very mature, not immature. But in any case, I never said you should never call someone immature, but that in this case as an alternative to name-calling someone a baby, it doesn't mean much. Pinning some social situation on someones communication skill, or friendship, or personal virtue for example.