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Correct at all counts. He's two, and I certainly notice that he (and his peers) are starting to experiment with violence as a tool for managing relationships wi
by kqr 5y ago
Correct at all counts. He's two, and I certainly notice that he (and his peers) are starting to experiment with violence as a tool for managing relationships with people and things.
My instinct was also the "take turns using things, but don't assert property rights of things that aren't used".
Where I'm hesitant is some things have incredible emotional value to one person but not to others -- is it not nice to ask others to respect that?
Something else that troubles me is that I certainly don't act that way -- there are many things my wife and I brought into our relationship that we still consider private property, mainly for convenience ("her" drawer is organised according to her needs, for example).
Another thing is purely linguistic habit. While my wife is very good at asking e.g. "can I taste the ice cream" I'm used to phrasing the question as "can I taste your ice cream".
- dotancohen 5y agoYour remaining questions I don't have answers for )) Maybe ask me something about Python? Your example of linguistic habit is excellent, because it demonstrates that the language we use is both descriptive of how we perceive our surroundings, and prescriptive in influencing behaviour. Maybe ask "can I taste the ice cream" but offer "you can taste my ice cream". Children are wiser than us, instead of perceiving a mixed signal I find they usually figure out how to interpret things in surprising ways - that goes for my own children and other peoples' children. They are far more plastic and have less preconceived "bins" to interpret things. The truth is, most of our questions regarding raising the kids we will not ever get answers for. That's fine, the kids are learning along the way just as we are.
- pdpi 5y agoI think “your ice cream” is perfectly appropriate. The flip side to seeing wealth as communal is that you need to respect the division when it happens. As custodian of the family’s money, you bought everybody ice cream. But some of that ice cream is now yours. It’s your fair share of the ice cream, you picked the flavours and the sprinkles and what not, because it was for you. It’s entirely appropriate, and indeed desirable, to assert ownership over that. Not respecting boundaries is a Bad Thing. What you can, and should, teach on top of that is generosity. “This is my ice cream and mine alone, but you can taste it if you like.” That sort of idea. It’s your decision to share, but sharing your ice cream with me means you get to see my smile as I try that really good flavour you asked for, and that smile is really valuable.
- dotancohen 5y agoI really like this answer, and will apply it with my own children. Thank you!
- saiya-jin 5y ago"Everything good in life is kindness" I've read it here on HN few months ago and somehow it stuck with me. I try to look at world, people, relationships etc through this lens, in both positive and negative manifestations of it. I'll try to teach my kids the reason behind it. Generosity for me is one type of kindness.
- DoneWithAllThat 5y agoI think you need to decide if you’re trying to raise your child for the world that exists, or the world that you wish existed.