I lost two of my close cousins, my aunt and my uncle to suicide (one by one, at Christmas each time) when I was a teenager, ~10 years ago. I didn't feel anyth

I lost two of my close cousins, my aunt and my uncle to suicide (one by one, at Christmas each time) when I was a teenager, ~10 years ago. I didn't feel anything at first, except guilt. I felt guilty because I was not feeling sad while others were crying around me. I felt guilty because we all felt that it was going to happen, but didn't do anything to prevent. The only survivor of the family, my cousin, never got over it, and after that she attempted suicide multiple times, surviving until last year. I also felt a lot of guilt because at that time (and since then), I was depressive and had very frequent thoughts of suicide. I've seen first-hand what it did to my family, and to myself and I don't want to cause that for anyone. These last years, I realized that I'm isolating myself a lot more, from friends, from my own family, from... everyone, because I don't want to hurt people : if it ever happens, the less people I know, the less damage it will do. And I can't talk of it to anyone I know.. I think of the guilt they would feel if it happened after I had told them of my intentions. Since I was young, I've had this thing where I have lots of trouble handling my emotions, sometimes explode in anger and start being very violent to myself, wounding me and endangering my life. Since last year, I've managed to control this a lot more, and now I haven't hurt myself intentionally since 14 months. It may seem like a good thing, and at first it did, but I feel like it was my way to express that something was very wrong and that I was thinking of taking my own life. Now I don't have that anymore, I cry everyday, never see anyone. These dark thoughts start making me more and more anxious, each morning, every day. I've gone from thinking about the consequences to others, the usual thoughts about your own funeral, to thinking to my cold body rotting in this shitty room I rent, and becoming completely desensitized to that thought. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm stuck in "limbo". I don't enjoy life, I'd prefer quitting, but I'm unable to do that because I don't want to hurt my family & friends. But since I'm also completely isolating myself, I suppose it still hurts them. I think that someday it will happen, it feels like I'm getting closer and closer each year. I've had a few moments where if it could have been easy, simple and painless, I know I'd have done it. I don't want to be the death that someone couldn't get over. Ruined lives should not be transitive.