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My father died almost a year ago today and I feel nothing. I have zero motivation and I’m not interested in anything or anyone. I can barely get my work done ev

My father died almost a year ago today and I feel nothing. I have zero motivation and I’m not interested in anything or anyone. I can barely get my work done everyday because I don’t give a shit. If I didn’t have a wife and kids I’d definitely be out wandering the Appalachian trail or working the grill in a Waffle House in some nothing town just hiding from myself.

david38 5y ago
Consider seeing a doctor. There are some meds that will take the edge off. That and lots of working out. I went through this once. It wasn’t pretty.
- smeej 5y ago
  This is better advice than it probably sounds like right now too. When my sister died, my doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant immediately. I told her I wasn't depressed. I was having an appropriate grief response to the sudden loss of my sister. But a year later, when I still couldn't bring myself to care about anything, including whether my life continued or stopped, I decided it was time for a small boost. Raise the baseline again. Don't try to push the grief out, but maybe get me just high enough that I want to get out of bed, that I want to go outside, that I want anything again. A year after I started taking meds, things were still hard, and I still missed my sister profoundly, but my future wasn't blank anymore. I could start to imagine forms happiness might take. And I tapered back off the medication. It's not the right answer for everyone, all the time, but it might be the right answer for you, now or soon, for awhile.
canthonytucci 5y ago
Hang in there. Recalibrating can take a long time.
adnmcq999 5y ago
You have to move forward, parents are supposed to die before their children and I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to react like this. Especially since he sounds like he was an excellent dad. Unfortunately, I don’t know how you can regain interest - maybe do what you did with your dad with your kids? What about his presence made life worth living?
dijonman2 5y ago
First step is admitting you need help. You said you have a wife and kids, let them in and let them support you. I went through the death of my parents alone. I would have done anything to have someone then.
throwaway3b03 5y ago
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Slightly over a week ago, a car ran a red light and hit my dad. He was severely injured and suffered a severe TBI. Doctors were giving an unfavorable prognosis. He was in a deep coma, with a GCS of ~5. My whole family was in a complete state of shock. We couldn't really feel anything. My mom somehow kept repeating to herself that he's going to get well, she just couldn't face the fact that she could lose him. As for myself, after researching every tidbit of information I could find about brain injuries, DAI, cases, treatments, I simply couldn't keep my optimism. I was very concerned about the very brief information we were getting from the doctors. I was perplexed as to why they're not actively monitoring his ICP, when his case and most protocols would suggest that that was the right thing to do (i'm not even sure if they did, they definitely didn't use an invasive technique). I was asking left and right about the medication he was on, whether he was being given things like amantadine, which research seemed to suggest was extremely helpful. I was left in the dark. He was given cerebrolysin, OTOH. I started feeling a huge pain in my chest, and looking forward I just couldn't see myself functioning without him. He was and still is probably the most important person in my life. I was looking back and imagining that him getting well again would simply be the happiest, most positive life I could ever imagine. The life I used to have before seemed like heaven even though I wasn't perceiving it as such at the time. Our days simply revolved around the visiting period of about an hour when we are allowed to visit him in the ICU. They still do, but the tension in the air is clearly a lot less intense. My dad somehow made great progress. He's mostly lucid now, he still can't talk, but we communicate a lot through glances, hand holding. He's still intubated, although he can breath on his own for hours. And his CTs show a great reduction in most of his brain lesion. We're definitely not out of the woods yet, but his progress/change is like night and day. I am (probably) extremely lucky. But our lives will never be the same again.
- pmarreck 5y ago
  While I don't have much faith in general Level 5 self-driving car autonomy, I DO have faith in AEBS (automated emergency braking system) and other more-easily-implemented systems that would largely prevent the stupidest sorts of human errors (like running red lights, stop signs, A-pillar blind spots in turns from oncoming traffic/bicycles/pedestrians, etc.) Just... basic "harm prevention" tech would go a long way IMHO, like the system in Teslas that keeps the interior at a survivably-cool temp if it's hot inside, because loving parents can and do sometimes still forget their kids inside. I have a friend whose stepfather just got T-boned a few weeks ago in #Floriduh by a guy who ran a stop sign "because I was running late for work and there usually isn't any cross-traffic at that intersection"... Until there is. "How to not take bad risks" is something I wish was taught in school, because people do not seem to understand how to evaluate risk (especially repeated low risk but with very bad outcome if it hits). Now my friend's father is still in the hospital as well, weeks later. Sorry for venting. I'm really sorry you're going through this, I just wish we were already at the point of preventing these dumb errors by people.
Vaslo 5y ago
When my parents died, I would ask myself- is being sad and not moving on with my life what they would want me to do? No. They’d be angry and giving me shit about it everyday just like I’m sure your dad would do to you. He didn’t want to leave you, but he had to. Now your life is still here and you need to go live it - you better understand than many people how fleeting time is. Don’t be afraid to talk to a counselor. They can get you talking about it and more at easy with what has happened. Take care of yourself.
oldstrangers 5y ago
If your first instinct is "be out wandering the Appalachian trail", maybe you owe it to yourself to go and do just that. Either for a day or a week, but putting yourself in that position to fully embrace your grief in a place of your choosing might be very beneficial.
everyone 5y ago
Are wandering the Appalachian trail or working the grill in a Waffle House in some nothing town bad? If so why? What qualifies a town as "nothing"? How can you hide from your self? that doesnt make sense. Considering this is HN are you currently working as some sort of programmer or business guy? if so why is that better than Waffle house?
- lostlogin 5y ago
  I don’t think OP is making a claim about better or worse. It appears to be about getting away and doing something where the commitment is minimal and attachment is zero.
  - everyone 5y ago
    I've carefully arranged my life to be like that. Zero responsibilities, zero stress. It's great! Imo it's optimal and I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to live like that, other than bullshit peer-pressure or conspicuous consumption related reasons like having high status.
    - spydum 5y ago
      i've similarly architected my life and lifestyle to minimize stress and avoid drama. however, zero responsibility and zero vulnerability (emotionally) is a dangerous place to find yourself, I wouldn't advise seeking that out. Easily allows someone to slip into depressive state and make bad judgements.
    - hallway_monitor 5y ago
      Sure, this is called being a kid. Zero responsibilities, also zero impact on the world. Having a family isn't about gaining status, obviously. What I hear is that this man's wife and children are the only thing keeping him afloat.
GuardianCaveman 5y ago
Mine died when I was 28. The way I felt was like when you finish the video game civilization and can continue playing but there’s no more winning or point. Emptiness. A few things I’d say is one if your mother is still alive don’t neglect her like I did. Channel your grief into appreciation and love for those who are still with, know the pain fades.
turkeygizzard 5y ago
My dad died unexpectedly recently. For a period, I was hyper motivated, but now I'm starting to similarly feel unmotivated. I've also thought about just disappearing, but having to be there for my mom and sisters has been stopping that thought early in the process. I don't know if there's anything I can say to help you, but if you want to talk about what you're going through, I'm happy to listen.
nyjah 5y ago
My dad was murdered outside his business just over 19 years ago. I wrote about it and shared it on HN at the 10 year mark. 10 years was significant to me because when it happened I wished 10 years would go by so it would just be normal. But the truth is it never became normal. I wrote this specifically for HN at the 10 year anniversary. The link died the day I posted it, but if you go down in the comments makeramen posted the full text. I don't know if this is helpful at all. But I figured I'd share in case it might be. And it's helpful to me to share it. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5313607 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5313607

david38 5y ago

Consider seeing a doctor. There are some meds that will take the edge off. That and lots of working out. I went through this once. It wasn’t pretty.

smeej 5y ago
This is better advice than it probably sounds like right now too. When my sister died, my doctor wanted to put me on an antidepressant immediately. I told her I wasn't depressed. I was having an appropriate grief response to the sudden loss of my sister. But a year later, when I still couldn't bring myself to care about anything, including whether my life continued or stopped, I decided it was time for a small boost. Raise the baseline again. Don't try to push the grief out, but maybe get me just high enough that I want to get out of bed, that I want to go outside, that I want anything again. A year after I started taking meds, things were still hard, and I still missed my sister profoundly, but my future wasn't blank anymore. I could start to imagine forms happiness might take. And I tapered back off the medication. It's not the right answer for everyone, all the time, but it might be the right answer for you, now or soon, for awhile.

canthonytucci 5y ago

Hang in there. Recalibrating can take a long time.

adnmcq999 5y ago

You have to move forward, parents are supposed to die before their children and I’m sure he wouldn’t want you to react like this. Especially since he sounds like he was an excellent dad. Unfortunately, I don’t know how you can regain interest - maybe do what you did with your dad with your kids? What about his presence made life worth living?

dijonman2 5y ago

First step is admitting you need help. You said you have a wife and kids, let them in and let them support you. I went through the death of my parents alone. I would have done anything to have someone then.

throwaway3b03 5y ago

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Slightly over a week ago, a car ran a red light and hit my dad. He was severely injured and suffered a severe TBI. Doctors were giving an unfavorable prognosis. He was in a deep coma, with a GCS of ~5. My whole family was in a complete state of shock. We couldn't really feel anything. My mom somehow kept repeating to herself that he's going to get well, she just couldn't face the fact that she could lose him. As for myself, after researching every tidbit of information I could find about brain injuries, DAI, cases, treatments, I simply couldn't keep my optimism. I was very concerned about the very brief information we were getting from the doctors. I was perplexed as to why they're not actively monitoring his ICP, when his case and most protocols would suggest that that was the right thing to do (i'm not even sure if they did, they definitely didn't use an invasive technique). I was asking left and right about the medication he was on, whether he was being given things like amantadine, which research seemed to suggest was extremely helpful. I was left in the dark. He was given cerebrolysin, OTOH. I started feeling a huge pain in my chest, and looking forward I just couldn't see myself functioning without him. He was and still is probably the most important person in my life. I was looking back and imagining that him getting well again would simply be the happiest, most positive life I could ever imagine. The life I used to have before seemed like heaven even though I wasn't perceiving it as such at the time. Our days simply revolved around the visiting period of about an hour when we are allowed to visit him in the ICU. They still do, but the tension in the air is clearly a lot less intense. My dad somehow made great progress. He's mostly lucid now, he still can't talk, but we communicate a lot through glances, hand holding. He's still intubated, although he can breath on his own for hours. And his CTs show a great reduction in most of his brain lesion. We're definitely not out of the woods yet, but his progress/change is like night and day. I am (probably) extremely lucky. But our lives will never be the same again.

pmarreck 5y ago
While I don't have much faith in general Level 5 self-driving car autonomy, I DO have faith in AEBS (automated emergency braking system) and other more-easily-implemented systems that would largely prevent the stupidest sorts of human errors (like running red lights, stop signs, A-pillar blind spots in turns from oncoming traffic/bicycles/pedestrians, etc.) Just... basic "harm prevention" tech would go a long way IMHO, like the system in Teslas that keeps the interior at a survivably-cool temp if it's hot inside, because loving parents can and do sometimes still forget their kids inside. I have a friend whose stepfather just got T-boned a few weeks ago in #Floriduh by a guy who ran a stop sign "because I was running late for work and there usually isn't any cross-traffic at that intersection"... Until there is. "How to not take bad risks" is something I wish was taught in school, because people do not seem to understand how to evaluate risk (especially repeated low risk but with very bad outcome if it hits). Now my friend's father is still in the hospital as well, weeks later. Sorry for venting. I'm really sorry you're going through this, I just wish we were already at the point of preventing these dumb errors by people.

Vaslo 5y ago

When my parents died, I would ask myself- is being sad and not moving on with my life what they would want me to do? No. They’d be angry and giving me shit about it everyday just like I’m sure your dad would do to you. He didn’t want to leave you, but he had to. Now your life is still here and you need to go live it - you better understand than many people how fleeting time is. Don’t be afraid to talk to a counselor. They can get you talking about it and more at easy with what has happened. Take care of yourself.

oldstrangers 5y ago

If your first instinct is "be out wandering the Appalachian trail", maybe you owe it to yourself to go and do just that. Either for a day or a week, but putting yourself in that position to fully embrace your grief in a place of your choosing might be very beneficial.

everyone 5y ago

Are wandering the Appalachian trail or working the grill in a Waffle House in some nothing town bad? If so why? What qualifies a town as "nothing"? How can you hide from your self? that doesnt make sense. Considering this is HN are you currently working as some sort of programmer or business guy? if so why is that better than Waffle house?

lostlogin 5y ago
I don’t think OP is making a claim about better or worse. It appears to be about getting away and doing something where the commitment is minimal and attachment is zero.
- everyone 5y ago
  I've carefully arranged my life to be like that. Zero responsibilities, zero stress. It's great! Imo it's optimal and I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to live like that, other than bullshit peer-pressure or conspicuous consumption related reasons like having high status.
  - spydum 5y ago
    i've similarly architected my life and lifestyle to minimize stress and avoid drama. however, zero responsibility and zero vulnerability (emotionally) is a dangerous place to find yourself, I wouldn't advise seeking that out. Easily allows someone to slip into depressive state and make bad judgements.
  - hallway_monitor 5y ago
    Sure, this is called being a kid. Zero responsibilities, also zero impact on the world. Having a family isn't about gaining status, obviously. What I hear is that this man's wife and children are the only thing keeping him afloat.

GuardianCaveman 5y ago

Mine died when I was 28. The way I felt was like when you finish the video game civilization and can continue playing but there’s no more winning or point. Emptiness. A few things I’d say is one if your mother is still alive don’t neglect her like I did. Channel your grief into appreciation and love for those who are still with, know the pain fades.

turkeygizzard 5y ago

My dad died unexpectedly recently. For a period, I was hyper motivated, but now I'm starting to similarly feel unmotivated. I've also thought about just disappearing, but having to be there for my mom and sisters has been stopping that thought early in the process. I don't know if there's anything I can say to help you, but if you want to talk about what you're going through, I'm happy to listen.

nyjah 5y ago

My dad was murdered outside his business just over 19 years ago. I wrote about it and shared it on HN at the 10 year mark. 10 years was significant to me because when it happened I wished 10 years would go by so it would just be normal. But the truth is it never became normal. I wrote this specifically for HN at the 10 year anniversary. The link died the day I posted it, but if you go down in the comments makeramen posted the full text. I don't know if this is helpful at all. But I figured I'd share in case it might be. And it's helpful to me to share it. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5313607 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5313607