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Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look

Practice. Practice practice practice. Which sounds daunting, but… …now, I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness, but…let’s take a look at me in 2008 versus 2021. https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt https://imgur.com/7sR0qKt Can you infer I might have been awkward? Because I was awkward. Always had been, and in a lot of ways, I am still am. But I am vastly better than I used to be. And it was practice. Slow, slow, slow practice. I started at the gym. Built a little confidence. Got a job where I was required to be in more meetings. Built a little more confidence. Moved to a new city. Built even more confidence. Joined a sports league. Built yet even more confidence. It’s a slow process of leveling up and being out there and exposed to the world and learning to live in it. And as you get older, I find for me it’s gotten easier. People in their late-20s and 30s are not the back-biting den of snakes they were in high school—everyone begins to realize they have their own faults and foibles, and you begin to accept that other people are always going through things too. And, conversely, you begin to realize you’re never the star of anyone else’s internal story. People are paying far less attention to your awkwardness than you think. So…roll with it, find some hobbies you like that involve other people, and just keep practicing.

n0mn 5y ago
And lots of chicken breast, right? I’m amazed at your progress! I worked with you 12 years ago. What a small world! Can confirm, he was awkward (but also talented)!
- perardi 5y ago
  Absurd amounts of chicken breast. (Illini Media?)
  - n0mn 5y ago
    Yep! Good times.
    - perardi 5y ago
      Oh god, I can remember how awkward I was. You’d think the hits to the head in rugby and the drugs would erase some of those memories, but nope.
      - mbg721 5y ago
        If I've learned anything from sitcoms, it's that you need an odd number of hits to the head in order to develop amnesia.
  - Startruck 5y ago
    Your gains do not have to be someone else's loss
creata 5y ago
> I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness Doesn't seem like you do (given that you do exactly that in the same sentence).
- barry-cotter 5y ago
  Give the man a break. He’s displaying his social skills by calling attention to his physical and stylistic transformation in a way that nods at plausible deniability. This is how you do this. Get hot and wear clothes that show you care about clothes is part of self-presentation. Becoming more attractive leads to better social skills almost automatically. People treat you better and you become more confident and both feed on each other.
- scarface74 5y ago
  The cold hard truth that I realized I long time ago is what I call the “two strikes rule”. When you are short (as am I), you already have two strikes against you in society. You can’t be “short and” - short and broke, short and mean, short and shy, short and fat (which I was until I was 18).
  - haliskerbas 5y ago
    Not with that attitude my friend.
    - scarface74 5y ago
      “Attitude” doesn’t make a difference. It makes no sense for anyone to bury their head in the sand and ignore reality. I took action early on. - I’ve been in above average shape for most of my adult life - I’m in my late 40s - I spent a 10+ year stint as a part time fitness instructor. Then life got crazy - By BigTech standards my compensation is meh. But I work remotely for BigTech in a mid cost of living area - I’ve been happily married for a decade. No woman has ever said “you know what? I really want a short overweight broke introvert. It’s what I’ve always dreamed of”.
      - 5y ago
gpas 5y ago
What a transformation! I'm speechless. It's like seeing a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. The second pic screams confidence and personality. Thanks for sharing your progress, you are an inspiration.
heleninboodler 5y ago
This may sound like a dumb question, but which person in the before picture, and which person in the after? It's like four different people. :D
- Jarwain 5y ago
  I think rightmost in the old, and leftmost in the new
  - tjbiddle 5y ago
    Ah, that makes more sense. I was thinking OP went from the larger man in the middle to the fit guy on the right - and was thinking, "Well sure! Lose 150 lbs and you'll gain some confidence!"
  - greggsy 5y ago
    That was my thoughts too, which led me to assume that the transformative moment was related to some sort of sexual awakening (which comes with a whole slew of positive outcomes like inclusion, belonging and empowerment, particularly if you’ve been in repressive community or mental state). The comment doesn’t mention this all though, so it’s pure speculation.
- cedricbonhomme 5y ago
  Middle in the left. Right most in the new. Easy to check on Flick: https://www.flickr.com/photos/perardi/ https://www.flickr.com/photos/perardi/ ;-)
deleted 5y ago
[deleted]
malux85 5y ago
Just to build upon the Practice element you mentioned, any time you want to change something, then do exposure therapy Can you go to the bar, speak to 50 people, make 5 excellent business contacts and conquor the world? No Can you go to the bar and speak to 50 people? No Can you go to the bar and speak to 3 people? No Can you go to the bar? Yes Ok, this time go to the bar, if you're not ready to speak to people then just observe others interactions. Then go home, that's enough for today. Next time go to the bar, and speak to one person. Practice. That's enough for today. Next time go a little further. That's how I started at the gym. I realized I was avoiding the gym because I didn't know to how to go to the gym, do an excellent workout, and not make an idiot of myself. But that's too much at once. I started by just going to the gym. Just show up. Stand there, look at the equipment and go home. Next day, go to the gym, lift 1 weight 10 times. Then go home. Next day, a little more. Now I easily do an hour in the gym. Expose yourself to the thing you fear in a reasonable way, repeated exposure with increasing intensity is what people say when they say "Practice, Practice, Practice"
- hutzlibu 5y ago
  In general I would agree to your advice of taking small steps, but with the concrete examples, my former self would think "but then everyone remembers me as the creepy guy, who just comes and looks at everyone. I could not go to step 2 then"
  - laserlight 5y ago
    Could you switch to a different bar not to be recognized as such?
    - hutzlibu 5y ago
      Yup, one can do that. And then build up a mental map, of places to avoid, leading to embarrassing situations later on ... What worked for me, was travelling. It is easier to relax, thinking, you will likely never see anyone here again. (even though the world is quite small and I did in fact saw many again, but that was cool)
raducu 5y ago
> Practice. Practice practice practice. I don't really care about social awkwarness, but I'm annoyed that I used to be really good at presentations and training people, and I suck right now, because of lack of practice. And I didn't even actively practice before the presentation, I just jotted down a few ideas and was really passionate about the subject matter. Nowadays I find a lot of times that I stumble mid idea, forget what I was trying to show and generally break my flow a lot and find myself in "oh, snap, where did I lose them exactly?" A couple of years of working as a contractor, changing jobs more frequently, the lockdowns and I didn't do a lot of presentations/idea sharing. So yeah, practice and remember if you don't use it, you lose it.
- greggsy 5y ago
  Have you had children since then, or changed sleep patterns?
  - raducu 5y ago
    I did have a child since then, and my sleep has been better and worse.
- hackernewds 5y ago
  Could be lack of sleep, stress and to a degree age
geekster777 5y ago
Practice for sure. One thing I noticed with covid was just how out of practice I got. I felt vastly more critical of myself in social situations that would have been very normal pre covid (for example, being the first one to a social gathering and needing to make small talk with the host). Isolation really compounds awkwardness, since awkwardness (generally) leads to more isolation. I think that social skills really are muscles that need to be developed and maintained. Have you ever tried brushing your teeth with the wrong hand? No amount of thinking and focus will get you the same fluidity as using your usual hand. Instead, you need to just suck for a while and practice until the muscles passively develop. Others have mentioned going to bars or the gym, but I'd also recommend joining a hiking group, a book club, or even attending a church that matches your beliefs. Basically, any sort of activity that has a somewhat consistent group of attendees and where the main focus of the event isn't talking. That way you can still feel successful even if you say very little, which can hopefully reduce the overanalyzing and self doubt that comes from awkwardness.

n0mn 5y ago

And lots of chicken breast, right? I’m amazed at your progress! I worked with you 12 years ago. What a small world! Can confirm, he was awkward (but also talented)!

perardi 5y ago
Absurd amounts of chicken breast. (Illini Media?)
- n0mn 5y ago
  Yep! Good times.
  - perardi 5y ago
    Oh god, I can remember how awkward I was. You’d think the hits to the head in rugby and the drugs would erase some of those memories, but nope.
    - mbg721 5y ago
      If I've learned anything from sitcoms, it's that you need an odd number of hits to the head in order to develop amnesia.
- Startruck 5y ago
  Your gains do not have to be someone else's loss

creata 5y ago

> I realize it’s unfair to map physical appearance to awkwardness Doesn't seem like you do (given that you do exactly that in the same sentence).

barry-cotter 5y ago
Give the man a break. He’s displaying his social skills by calling attention to his physical and stylistic transformation in a way that nods at plausible deniability. This is how you do this. Get hot and wear clothes that show you care about clothes is part of self-presentation. Becoming more attractive leads to better social skills almost automatically. People treat you better and you become more confident and both feed on each other.
scarface74 5y ago
The cold hard truth that I realized I long time ago is what I call the “two strikes rule”. When you are short (as am I), you already have two strikes against you in society. You can’t be “short and” - short and broke, short and mean, short and shy, short and fat (which I was until I was 18).
- haliskerbas 5y ago
  Not with that attitude my friend.
  - scarface74 5y ago
    “Attitude” doesn’t make a difference. It makes no sense for anyone to bury their head in the sand and ignore reality. I took action early on. - I’ve been in above average shape for most of my adult life - I’m in my late 40s - I spent a 10+ year stint as a part time fitness instructor. Then life got crazy - By BigTech standards my compensation is meh. But I work remotely for BigTech in a mid cost of living area - I’ve been happily married for a decade. No woman has ever said “you know what? I really want a short overweight broke introvert. It’s what I’ve always dreamed of”.
    - 5y ago

gpas 5y ago

What a transformation! I'm speechless. It's like seeing a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. The second pic screams confidence and personality. Thanks for sharing your progress, you are an inspiration.

heleninboodler 5y ago

This may sound like a dumb question, but which person in the before picture, and which person in the after? It's like four different people. :D

Jarwain 5y ago
I think rightmost in the old, and leftmost in the new
- tjbiddle 5y ago
  Ah, that makes more sense. I was thinking OP went from the larger man in the middle to the fit guy on the right - and was thinking, "Well sure! Lose 150 lbs and you'll gain some confidence!"
- greggsy 5y ago
  That was my thoughts too, which led me to assume that the transformative moment was related to some sort of sexual awakening (which comes with a whole slew of positive outcomes like inclusion, belonging and empowerment, particularly if you’ve been in repressive community or mental state). The comment doesn’t mention this all though, so it’s pure speculation.
cedricbonhomme 5y ago
Middle in the left. Right most in the new. Easy to check on Flick: https://www.flickr.com/photos/perardi/ https://www.flickr.com/photos/perardi/ ;-)

deleted 5y ago

[deleted]

malux85 5y ago

Just to build upon the Practice element you mentioned, any time you want to change something, then do exposure therapy Can you go to the bar, speak to 50 people, make 5 excellent business contacts and conquor the world? No Can you go to the bar and speak to 50 people? No Can you go to the bar and speak to 3 people? No Can you go to the bar? Yes Ok, this time go to the bar, if you're not ready to speak to people then just observe others interactions. Then go home, that's enough for today. Next time go to the bar, and speak to one person. Practice. That's enough for today. Next time go a little further. That's how I started at the gym. I realized I was avoiding the gym because I didn't know to how to go to the gym, do an excellent workout, and not make an idiot of myself. But that's too much at once. I started by just going to the gym. Just show up. Stand there, look at the equipment and go home. Next day, go to the gym, lift 1 weight 10 times. Then go home. Next day, a little more. Now I easily do an hour in the gym. Expose yourself to the thing you fear in a reasonable way, repeated exposure with increasing intensity is what people say when they say "Practice, Practice, Practice"

hutzlibu 5y ago
In general I would agree to your advice of taking small steps, but with the concrete examples, my former self would think "but then everyone remembers me as the creepy guy, who just comes and looks at everyone. I could not go to step 2 then"
- laserlight 5y ago
  Could you switch to a different bar not to be recognized as such?
  - hutzlibu 5y ago
    Yup, one can do that. And then build up a mental map, of places to avoid, leading to embarrassing situations later on ... What worked for me, was travelling. It is easier to relax, thinking, you will likely never see anyone here again. (even though the world is quite small and I did in fact saw many again, but that was cool)

raducu 5y ago

> Practice. Practice practice practice. I don't really care about social awkwarness, but I'm annoyed that I used to be really good at presentations and training people, and I suck right now, because of lack of practice. And I didn't even actively practice before the presentation, I just jotted down a few ideas and was really passionate about the subject matter. Nowadays I find a lot of times that I stumble mid idea, forget what I was trying to show and generally break my flow a lot and find myself in "oh, snap, where did I lose them exactly?" A couple of years of working as a contractor, changing jobs more frequently, the lockdowns and I didn't do a lot of presentations/idea sharing. So yeah, practice and remember if you don't use it, you lose it.

greggsy 5y ago
Have you had children since then, or changed sleep patterns?
- raducu 5y ago
  I did have a child since then, and my sleep has been better and worse.
hackernewds 5y ago
Could be lack of sleep, stress and to a degree age

geekster777 5y ago

Practice for sure. One thing I noticed with covid was just how out of practice I got. I felt vastly more critical of myself in social situations that would have been very normal pre covid (for example, being the first one to a social gathering and needing to make small talk with the host). Isolation really compounds awkwardness, since awkwardness (generally) leads to more isolation. I think that social skills really are muscles that need to be developed and maintained. Have you ever tried brushing your teeth with the wrong hand? No amount of thinking and focus will get you the same fluidity as using your usual hand. Instead, you need to just suck for a while and practice until the muscles passively develop. Others have mentioned going to bars or the gym, but I'd also recommend joining a hiking group, a book club, or even attending a church that matches your beliefs. Basically, any sort of activity that has a somewhat consistent group of attendees and where the main focus of the event isn't talking. That way you can still feel successful even if you say very little, which can hopefully reduce the overanalyzing and self doubt that comes from awkwardness.