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Could you expand on "I found that ensuring he always has a supply at home has helped with this too"? I guess you mean that when they'd go out to a pub or bar t

Could you expand on "I found that ensuring he always has a supply at home has helped with this too"? I guess you mean that when they'd go out to a pub or bar they'd spend too much, which means that social pressure of embarrassment and bar-staff weren't effective controls. Did the extra money spent add to the pressure? What I'm curious at is that makes it sound like they're somewhat controlled within their home, or just haven't got an easy source. If that's the case I wonder how small nudges around the home (putting alcohol in a tricky to reach cupboard or out-of-sight) would help.

dazc 5y ago
He would buy his drink daily, not always from the same place and not at the same time. So some days he'd buy a bottle of cider, other days a bottle or two of wine, a bottle of spirit, etc. In other words, his alcohol consumption was erratic and the fact he had to go out and buy it everyday sometimes led to unintended outcomes such as mixing with the kinds of people with similar issues, having small accidents, being robbed a couple of times, and so on.. I don't know what went through his mind every morning but I'm sure that buying his daily alcohol fix was a top priority and everything else was secondary. I figured that if he got up everyday without this nagging thought in his head then it may help him regain some semblance of control? Because I bought the same brand of drink and in enough quantity to ensure he wouldn't need to go out any buy anymore each day, it also helped him establish a steady routine. In a way, it made it boring for him but not to the point where he'll resort to his previous behaviour. The fact he isn't paying for it is also a motivating factor, obviously. A year on and he's now in a routine where he doesn't drink before 3pm and then only one 1 ltr bottle of 5% strength cider. His health and general mood have both improved and, most importantly, there have been no hospital visits. I describe him as alcohol dependent rather than a full-blown alcoholic because his drinking is more a learned habit rather than pure addiction. I'm not sure my strategy would work so well otherwise and I would certainly caution against it.
- moritonal 5y ago
  Wow, that's impressive. You made it made it boring for him. I appreciate the caveats but from my arm-chair perspective it looks like you're doing the right steps here.
- atchoo 5y ago
  Hmm. How much experience do you have with alcoholics? To me this sounds very naive. I have seen various forms of well meaning enablement that follow this exact pattern. The drinker still buys drink for themselves on top of their "ration" while maintaining a facade of moderation for the one buying them drink. If someone is meeting them a couple of times a week, then they plan bigger binges around those visits. I have had the pleasure of clearing out the private stashes behind the washing machine or garages full of hidden empties despite the claims of a gullible enabler about the progress being made. 1l of 5% is barely going to wet the whistle of a dependent drinker making me less inclined to believe this is a unicorn case of magical moderation. If there is one thing that happens very early in problem drinking, it's all the fucking lies about drinking.
  - dazc 5y ago
    Well, I did point out that he isn't a full-blown alcoholic which is a big difference to the kind of issue you're alluding to. I did have the dis-pleasure of living with a proper alcoholic many years ago and she was exactly the type of person to have hidden stashes around the house. Alas, she was also the kind of drinker who needed to hit rock-bottom before she would even accept she had a problem and nothing I could do would be of any help to her. She was a 'functioning alcoholic' able to hold down a job, be presentable and sociable. Also clever and devious enough to hide her problems from others to the extent that I left the relationship being perceived by others as the bad guy. So yes, your points accepted but for the naivety on my part.
    - steve_adams_86 5y ago
      Something people don’t expect from alcoholics is that they become extremely effective at masking their issues. If they’re intelligent, they might even trick a lot of people around them into thinking they have a chronic illness or something - no one suspects a thing. In the way they speak and behave to hide their problem they show a sort of cunningness you don’t often see. That’s not to say alcoholics are bad people. The need to drink is just an insane motivator for some. It makes it extremely hard to help them because it becomes nearly impossible to trust them, and that alone can be a massive strain on a relationship. But I have no trouble believing a relationship would end with you looking “bad”; this sort of thing is part of hiding their problem and protecting their habit. You getting thrown under the bus is a strategy to draw attention away from evidence that her being an alcoholic was destructive to your relationship. This is obvious to some people but has been a real revelation to me as I’ve gotten older and seen alcoholism around me more. It’s extremely insidious and difficult to navigate.
- DiggyJohnson 5y ago
  I think this is an extremely fascinating reply, and potentially very effective. Speaking from personal experience on the other end. It’s difficult to describe the energy that takes you to the store, but prevents you from doing everything else in life. Something like anxiety-constrained motivating, but taken to the extreme.
croon 5y ago
Not GP, and not battling any major addiction (luckily), but this reminded me when I got fit/lost some weight (~20 pounds or so) a decade ago. I simply (not easily) cut out snacks (candy/chips/sugary drinks/etc) but my main vice was ice cream. So I kept a pint of my favorite kind (mint chip) in the freezer. I don't know how I got the idea, but my reasoning was that it gave me a singular focus on what to avoid, instead of navigating 50 traps, there was just 1. If I was at the store I didn't have to be tempted by anything as I already had my favorite at home. No idea if it is the same idea as GP describes, but it reminded me.

dazc 5y ago

He would buy his drink daily, not always from the same place and not at the same time. So some days he'd buy a bottle of cider, other days a bottle or two of wine, a bottle of spirit, etc. In other words, his alcohol consumption was erratic and the fact he had to go out and buy it everyday sometimes led to unintended outcomes such as mixing with the kinds of people with similar issues, having small accidents, being robbed a couple of times, and so on.. I don't know what went through his mind every morning but I'm sure that buying his daily alcohol fix was a top priority and everything else was secondary. I figured that if he got up everyday without this nagging thought in his head then it may help him regain some semblance of control? Because I bought the same brand of drink and in enough quantity to ensure he wouldn't need to go out any buy anymore each day, it also helped him establish a steady routine. In a way, it made it boring for him but not to the point where he'll resort to his previous behaviour. The fact he isn't paying for it is also a motivating factor, obviously. A year on and he's now in a routine where he doesn't drink before 3pm and then only one 1 ltr bottle of 5% strength cider. His health and general mood have both improved and, most importantly, there have been no hospital visits. I describe him as alcohol dependent rather than a full-blown alcoholic because his drinking is more a learned habit rather than pure addiction. I'm not sure my strategy would work so well otherwise and I would certainly caution against it.

moritonal 5y ago
Wow, that's impressive. You made it made it boring for him. I appreciate the caveats but from my arm-chair perspective it looks like you're doing the right steps here.
atchoo 5y ago
Hmm. How much experience do you have with alcoholics? To me this sounds very naive. I have seen various forms of well meaning enablement that follow this exact pattern. The drinker still buys drink for themselves on top of their "ration" while maintaining a facade of moderation for the one buying them drink. If someone is meeting them a couple of times a week, then they plan bigger binges around those visits. I have had the pleasure of clearing out the private stashes behind the washing machine or garages full of hidden empties despite the claims of a gullible enabler about the progress being made. 1l of 5% is barely going to wet the whistle of a dependent drinker making me less inclined to believe this is a unicorn case of magical moderation. If there is one thing that happens very early in problem drinking, it's all the fucking lies about drinking.
- dazc 5y ago
  Well, I did point out that he isn't a full-blown alcoholic which is a big difference to the kind of issue you're alluding to. I did have the dis-pleasure of living with a proper alcoholic many years ago and she was exactly the type of person to have hidden stashes around the house. Alas, she was also the kind of drinker who needed to hit rock-bottom before she would even accept she had a problem and nothing I could do would be of any help to her. She was a 'functioning alcoholic' able to hold down a job, be presentable and sociable. Also clever and devious enough to hide her problems from others to the extent that I left the relationship being perceived by others as the bad guy. So yes, your points accepted but for the naivety on my part.
  - steve_adams_86 5y ago
    Something people don’t expect from alcoholics is that they become extremely effective at masking their issues. If they’re intelligent, they might even trick a lot of people around them into thinking they have a chronic illness or something - no one suspects a thing. In the way they speak and behave to hide their problem they show a sort of cunningness you don’t often see. That’s not to say alcoholics are bad people. The need to drink is just an insane motivator for some. It makes it extremely hard to help them because it becomes nearly impossible to trust them, and that alone can be a massive strain on a relationship. But I have no trouble believing a relationship would end with you looking “bad”; this sort of thing is part of hiding their problem and protecting their habit. You getting thrown under the bus is a strategy to draw attention away from evidence that her being an alcoholic was destructive to your relationship. This is obvious to some people but has been a real revelation to me as I’ve gotten older and seen alcoholism around me more. It’s extremely insidious and difficult to navigate.
DiggyJohnson 5y ago
I think this is an extremely fascinating reply, and potentially very effective. Speaking from personal experience on the other end. It’s difficult to describe the energy that takes you to the store, but prevents you from doing everything else in life. Something like anxiety-constrained motivating, but taken to the extreme.

croon 5y ago

Not GP, and not battling any major addiction (luckily), but this reminded me when I got fit/lost some weight (~20 pounds or so) a decade ago. I simply (not easily) cut out snacks (candy/chips/sugary drinks/etc) but my main vice was ice cream. So I kept a pint of my favorite kind (mint chip) in the freezer. I don't know how I got the idea, but my reasoning was that it gave me a singular focus on what to avoid, instead of navigating 50 traps, there was just 1. If I was at the store I didn't have to be tempted by anything as I already had my favorite at home. No idea if it is the same idea as GP describes, but it reminded me.