3 ms·
This is why I try to never ask "why don't you do X" without making it clear that I'm using it as a forcing function to satisfy my own curiosity, rather than try
by burntsushi 5y ago
This is why I try to never ask "why don't you do X" without making it clear that I'm using it as a forcing function to satisfy my own curiosity, rather than trying to sneer at folks. Often this requires being a bit more verbose, but I've personally always found a bare "why don't you do X?" without any other context to come across as sneering.
But yes, I also try to interpret it charitably as well too. I just also try to make my own curiosity clear on the flip side.
- hinkley 5y agoI've known a couple people who characterize others as getting upset for no reason/escalating a situation and I wonder if they were participating in the same conversation I was witnessing? Like seriously, you started it. Plenty of reason to be had. There's a whole thing called nonviolent communication and the basic premise is that if you spin someone up by choosing your words poorly, that's as much on you as it is on them.
- switchbak 5y agoNVC is important, but I like to view it as "reducing the likelihood of inspiring defensiveness". It's definitely a two way street, and the skillfulness with which I communicate is definitely on me, and affects a dynamic. That said, sometimes even the most skilled communicator might find themselves spining someone up despite their best efforts. At the end of the day all we have is self awareness and good intent, but if the other person is hell bent on being oppositional, that's gonna be very hard to navigate.
- fishtoaster 5y agoYeah, that's fair - I try to do the same. I've yet to find a particularly elegant way of asking it - it's usually something like "Why didn't you do X here? To be clear, I assume there was a good reason, I'm just curious what it was!"