4 ms·

> Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's. This is just not true. Consider getting a hobby and joining clubs or attending events. Establishing

by shocks 5y ago

> Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's. This is just not true. Consider getting a hobby and joining clubs or attending events. Establishing a friendship is (basically) impossible without: 1. repeated contact 2. a common activity to share Most people get this through school/university/workplace/partner, but there are plenty of other ways. Examples: - Buy a motorcycle. Join a riding club. [0] - Join a rock climbing gym. Look on Facebook for belay partners. - Find a maker space near you. - Learn a musical instrument at a school. - Play online games. Join a clan. 0: I've never made friends faster than via motorcycles. Literally made friends at traffic lights.

andrewflnr 5y ago
Right, so, I'm doing this and it has worked ok for relatively shallow friendships, but deep friendships still seem to elude me.
- bckr 5y ago
  What have you tried to deepen friendships? These things do not happen by accident. Think of it like a marketing funnel. At the top, meeting people at a club. In the middle, hanging out 1:1. Bottom of funnel is doing something that requires commitment and self disclosure.
  - andrewflnr 5y ago
    It used to happen by accident, so I don't know what to do.
    - bckr 5y ago
      > It used to happen by accident I doubt that. I bet if you pondered, you would remember having taken all sorts of steps to forming relationships in the past. These might not look like what you're imagining, and certainly you'll have to do something differently now. But see my reply to another comment below, re: friendships don't happen by accident. And fwiw, I don't know you, but I believe in you. You can have more close friends in the future. You're capable of the work necessary.
  - denton-scratch 5y ago
    > These things do not happen by accident. This sounds like treating people as means to ends; it sounds rather instrumental - I expect you didn't mean it like that. There are all kinds of things that can give rise to a close relationship; circumstances, including financial circumstances, interests, emotional needs, fears, etc. These kinds of things can't be engineered with a 'filter'. But yeah, obviously the more people you meet, the greater chance you'll meet someone you get on with.
    - bckr 5y ago
      > This sounds like treating people as means to ends I desire deeper relationships. I work to deepen relationships. Discovering and befriending people is a means to that end. > These kinds of things can't be engineered with a 'filter' My understanding of a marketing funnel is that it is not primarily concerned with filtering people out actively, but in drawing people towards a goal, who will otherwise self-select out of the process through lack of motivation. Similarly: I attend meetings of a club, and gain acquaintances. I will only have acquaintances if I do not engage in the next step of the process: inviting, or accepting an invite from, someone to lunch. And so on. > give rise These things do not happen by accident. You do not enter into financial "circumstances" with another person strictly by accident. You do not talk to someone about your interests by accident. You do not get your emotional needs met by someone by accident. Forming deep relationships is an active process that must be approached with a problem-solving mindset. If it were not so, we would hardly be discussing the subject. It does no good to remain passive, fatalistic, or organic-fetishist (anti-instrumentalist) when we're talking about one of the most important needs we have as humans.
      - denton-scratch 5y ago
        > organic-fetishist (anti-instrumentalist) Interestingly, the parenthesised "explanation" doesn't explain the meaning of "organic-fetishist"; and I suspect that understanding your final paragraph might throw some light on your earlier remarks. What does it mean? This sounds to me like the jargon of some cult.
        5y ago

by shocks 5y ago

andrewflnr 5y ago

Right, so, I'm doing this and it has worked ok for relatively shallow friendships, but deep friendships still seem to elude me.

bckr 5y ago
What have you tried to deepen friendships? These things do not happen by accident. Think of it like a marketing funnel. At the top, meeting people at a club. In the middle, hanging out 1:1. Bottom of funnel is doing something that requires commitment and self disclosure.
- andrewflnr 5y ago
  It used to happen by accident, so I don't know what to do.
  - bckr 5y ago
    > It used to happen by accident I doubt that. I bet if you pondered, you would remember having taken all sorts of steps to forming relationships in the past. These might not look like what you're imagining, and certainly you'll have to do something differently now. But see my reply to another comment below, re: friendships don't happen by accident. And fwiw, I don't know you, but I believe in you. You can have more close friends in the future. You're capable of the work necessary.
- denton-scratch 5y ago
  > These things do not happen by accident. This sounds like treating people as means to ends; it sounds rather instrumental - I expect you didn't mean it like that. There are all kinds of things that can give rise to a close relationship; circumstances, including financial circumstances, interests, emotional needs, fears, etc. These kinds of things can't be engineered with a 'filter'. But yeah, obviously the more people you meet, the greater chance you'll meet someone you get on with.
  - bckr 5y ago
    > This sounds like treating people as means to ends I desire deeper relationships. I work to deepen relationships. Discovering and befriending people is a means to that end. > These kinds of things can't be engineered with a 'filter' My understanding of a marketing funnel is that it is not primarily concerned with filtering people out actively, but in drawing people towards a goal, who will otherwise self-select out of the process through lack of motivation. Similarly: I attend meetings of a club, and gain acquaintances. I will only have acquaintances if I do not engage in the next step of the process: inviting, or accepting an invite from, someone to lunch. And so on. > give rise These things do not happen by accident. You do not enter into financial "circumstances" with another person strictly by accident. You do not talk to someone about your interests by accident. You do not get your emotional needs met by someone by accident. Forming deep relationships is an active process that must be approached with a problem-solving mindset. If it were not so, we would hardly be discussing the subject. It does no good to remain passive, fatalistic, or organic-fetishist (anti-instrumentalist) when we're talking about one of the most important needs we have as humans.
    - denton-scratch 5y ago
      > organic-fetishist (anti-instrumentalist) Interestingly, the parenthesised "explanation" doesn't explain the meaning of "organic-fetishist"; and I suspect that understanding your final paragraph might throw some light on your earlier remarks. What does it mean? This sounds to me like the jargon of some cult.
      - 5y ago