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> i lost all my friends to marriage and family life This I can very much relate with, a lot of my formerly good friends I never see anymore because they have l

by dheera 5y ago

> i lost all my friends to marriage and family life This I can very much relate with, a lot of my formerly good friends I never see anymore because they have literally negative amount of free time, they are already cutting into their health and sleep just trying to raise 2 kids, a dog, a cat, 2 full-time jobs, and unethical amounts of on-call time. I don't think they are all doing "well" either, honestly, but they don't have time for friends, even if I try to get coffee them they usually end up having to bail in 20 minutes. I remember when these people would go on long hikes with me, build stuff together, play duets, support each other through sickness and other times of trouble, but that is no more. I'm okay because I've been fortunate enough to be able to find new friends, but yeah, I understand this phenomenon. Society is just too demanding of people in general. There used to be a time in history where only one parent worked, and in theory now that both parents work they should only theoretically need to each work half time, but that isn't what reality accepts right now, reality wants both to work full time plus some more. I have a vanishingly small but nonzero number of friends who seem to manage family life very well, including things like alternating each parent taking over 100% of kid responsibilities for a few days at a time which gives the other parent the freedom to basically do whatever they want or need to do including hobbies or social life, but that number is really quite small, and most of them have money to hire help or have close family in the area. > Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's It's much easier if you're in the right place. I can definitely say late 30's is no problem at all to make friends if you're in the bay area.

deltaonefour 5y ago
Interesting. I'm moving to the bay soon and I'm in my late 30s. Any recommendations on where to meet people and how to make new friends?
- dheera 5y ago
  There are lots of parties and gatherings in SF where if you're late 30s nobody will bat an eyelid as long as you're friendly and approachable. It may be a bit challenging to discover them at first but once you find one or two and make friends with the organizers, you'll start getting vortexed to many more as long as you are friendly and come off as either good-looking, interesting, knowledgeable, or accomplished (not necessarily all of the above, but friendly is non-negotiable). Peninsula and South Bay also have plenty of social events but they take a bit more effort to find. Look for interest clubs of sorts and start from there. If you're joining a large company such as Google or Facebook, they normally have plenty of social events, though it's been much less since COVID. If you're doing a startup, you'll get invited to various investors' parties and things and you can make friends from there. But in general ... the bay is much more forgiving of age than most places in the country.
  - deltaonefour 5y ago
    Good tips. Thanks for this.
warner25 5y ago
> even if I try to get coffee them they usually end up having to bail in 20 minutes I'm guilty of being that guy. I have four kids; two in diapers and one still trying to master the potty. Having "literally negative amount of free time" and "cutting into their health and sleep" is right, and it's good to hear a single person recognize this. I had an old friend contact me recently because he's getting married and wanted to send me an invitation, but also wanted to catch up. I was interested in catching up, but it was two weeks before I finally found 20 minutes to call him on the phone while at a playground with my kids. Even then, when little kids see you on the phone, they panic because they don't have your attention, so one started tugging on my clothing and screaming "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" Sadly, I usually just tell people to email me, because at least I can write a thoughtful reply when the kids are in bed or randomly absorbed in some activity for a few minutes. Anyway, before my wife and I had kids, we felt like it was hard to make friends because everyone else had kids. We figured it would be easier with kids. Now I'm not sure. We can hang out with other parents when our kids play together, and we can relate to each other more, but everyone else is just as swamped, so these are just more casual acquaintances. It's also exponentially harder to find a good match between two adults and N kids who need to be similar ages and play well together. My wife still complains of being lonely all the time. * I wrote this reply over the course of 30+ minutes in 2 minute slices in between responding to my kids' requests for various snacks, art supplies, and changing one diaper.
- paulryanrogers 5y ago
  Interesting. Having two young kids I don't yet see anything that triggers a consistent "give me attention" response. Maybe I'm just on my phone so much they think it's normal. Still can't imagine having 4 young ones at once. Anymore than two seems unfair to each of them and my SO. There's only so much of my energy/affection/time to go around. Agree it's hard to have any closer relationships, even with other family because of time constraints. I've tried to stay flexible and be the bridge with neighbor families or friends with kids of differing ages. Peers are great and so are mixed aged friends. A lot to learn and enjoy at least until the "it's not cool to play with babies" culture sets in.
  - 5y ago

by dheera 5y ago

deltaonefour 5y ago

Interesting. I'm moving to the bay soon and I'm in my late 30s. Any recommendations on where to meet people and how to make new friends?

dheera 5y ago
There are lots of parties and gatherings in SF where if you're late 30s nobody will bat an eyelid as long as you're friendly and approachable. It may be a bit challenging to discover them at first but once you find one or two and make friends with the organizers, you'll start getting vortexed to many more as long as you are friendly and come off as either good-looking, interesting, knowledgeable, or accomplished (not necessarily all of the above, but friendly is non-negotiable). Peninsula and South Bay also have plenty of social events but they take a bit more effort to find. Look for interest clubs of sorts and start from there. If you're joining a large company such as Google or Facebook, they normally have plenty of social events, though it's been much less since COVID. If you're doing a startup, you'll get invited to various investors' parties and things and you can make friends from there. But in general ... the bay is much more forgiving of age than most places in the country.
- deltaonefour 5y ago
  Good tips. Thanks for this.

warner25 5y ago

> even if I try to get coffee them they usually end up having to bail in 20 minutes I'm guilty of being that guy. I have four kids; two in diapers and one still trying to master the potty. Having "literally negative amount of free time" and "cutting into their health and sleep" is right, and it's good to hear a single person recognize this. I had an old friend contact me recently because he's getting married and wanted to send me an invitation, but also wanted to catch up. I was interested in catching up, but it was two weeks before I finally found 20 minutes to call him on the phone while at a playground with my kids. Even then, when little kids see you on the phone, they panic because they don't have your attention, so one started tugging on my clothing and screaming "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" Sadly, I usually just tell people to email me, because at least I can write a thoughtful reply when the kids are in bed or randomly absorbed in some activity for a few minutes. Anyway, before my wife and I had kids, we felt like it was hard to make friends because everyone else had kids. We figured it would be easier with kids. Now I'm not sure. We can hang out with other parents when our kids play together, and we can relate to each other more, but everyone else is just as swamped, so these are just more casual acquaintances. It's also exponentially harder to find a good match between two adults and N kids who need to be similar ages and play well together. My wife still complains of being lonely all the time. * I wrote this reply over the course of 30+ minutes in 2 minute slices in between responding to my kids' requests for various snacks, art supplies, and changing one diaper.

paulryanrogers 5y ago
Interesting. Having two young kids I don't yet see anything that triggers a consistent "give me attention" response. Maybe I'm just on my phone so much they think it's normal. Still can't imagine having 4 young ones at once. Anymore than two seems unfair to each of them and my SO. There's only so much of my energy/affection/time to go around. Agree it's hard to have any closer relationships, even with other family because of time constraints. I've tried to stay flexible and be the bridge with neighbor families or friends with kids of differing ages. Peers are great and so are mixed aged friends. A lot to learn and enjoy at least until the "it's not cool to play with babies" culture sets in.
- 5y ago