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i lost all my friends to marriage and family life. I choose to remain single and now i cannot relate to any of my friends. Impossible to find friends as a sin

i lost all my friends to marriage and family life. I choose to remain single and now i cannot relate to any of my friends. Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's. Kind of resigned to my fate and accepted that this is how things are.

donatj 5y ago
Similar predicament myself, though I am married without children. My friends all had kids and moved out to the exurbs. Combine that with forced working from home the last couple years and it’s made my mid-late thirties the loneliest part of my life. I even tried Bumble BFF, but it just further revealed I have no idea how to make friends.
verisimi 5y ago
.... but you have your wife .... forever ... lol
- theonemind 5y ago
  No, he doesn't. He's single. His ex-friends have their wives forever. (But they don't, because estrangement, divorce, and death.)
  - verisimi 5y ago
    I've made a mistake, I apologise! I read what the poster said as him saying that he lost his friends to marriage and family life. I obviously did NOT read the bit where he said he chose to remain single. I actually interpreted the first part as him saying that he had got married etc. Mea culpa - apologies again.
    - theonemind 5y ago
      Happens to everyone!
revlolz 5y ago
Take a hobby and find an online community for it. If there is something like a discord or messaging group, start there. Best, close, good, any friend starts as an acquaintance. Relationships need not progress anywhere to which both people make it and it's entirely possible for both parties to view the dynamic differently. I went through this and found comfort in just being able to talk with e-friends from gaming groups that I have loose association with when going through life changes.
- dazc 5y ago
  > Take a hobby and find an online community for it. I believe you're trying to be helpful but parent poster seems to be content as he is and there is nothing wrong with this. Just as you don't have to be married or have kids or like dogs to be a regular human being.
therealmarv 5y ago
In late thirties I changed country and joined a coworking regularly. 5 years later I have maybe even more friends than during University times is my feeling (maybe I got lucky). Same could work with joining other kind of communities (hobby, sports etc.).
- hungryforcodes 5y ago
  I agree! Since leaving North America and my married / parent friends -- I found so many great friends and I'm really happy. Other people should try this as well.
- deltaonefour 5y ago
  Co-working? You mean like a co-working space where remote workers from various companies congregate? Any recommendations for good ones?
dheera 5y ago
> i lost all my friends to marriage and family life This I can very much relate with, a lot of my formerly good friends I never see anymore because they have literally negative amount of free time, they are already cutting into their health and sleep just trying to raise 2 kids, a dog, a cat, 2 full-time jobs, and unethical amounts of on-call time. I don't think they are all doing "well" either, honestly, but they don't have time for friends, even if I try to get coffee them they usually end up having to bail in 20 minutes. I remember when these people would go on long hikes with me, build stuff together, play duets, support each other through sickness and other times of trouble, but that is no more. I'm okay because I've been fortunate enough to be able to find new friends, but yeah, I understand this phenomenon. Society is just too demanding of people in general. There used to be a time in history where only one parent worked, and in theory now that both parents work they should only theoretically need to each work half time, but that isn't what reality accepts right now, reality wants both to work full time plus some more. I have a vanishingly small but nonzero number of friends who seem to manage family life very well, including things like alternating each parent taking over 100% of kid responsibilities for a few days at a time which gives the other parent the freedom to basically do whatever they want or need to do including hobbies or social life, but that number is really quite small, and most of them have money to hire help or have close family in the area. > Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's It's much easier if you're in the right place. I can definitely say late 30's is no problem at all to make friends if you're in the bay area.
- deltaonefour 5y ago
  Interesting. I'm moving to the bay soon and I'm in my late 30s. Any recommendations on where to meet people and how to make new friends?
  - dheera 5y ago
    There are lots of parties and gatherings in SF where if you're late 30s nobody will bat an eyelid as long as you're friendly and approachable. It may be a bit challenging to discover them at first but once you find one or two and make friends with the organizers, you'll start getting vortexed to many more as long as you are friendly and come off as either good-looking, interesting, knowledgeable, or accomplished (not necessarily all of the above, but friendly is non-negotiable). Peninsula and South Bay also have plenty of social events but they take a bit more effort to find. Look for interest clubs of sorts and start from there. If you're joining a large company such as Google or Facebook, they normally have plenty of social events, though it's been much less since COVID. If you're doing a startup, you'll get invited to various investors' parties and things and you can make friends from there. But in general ... the bay is much more forgiving of age than most places in the country.
caymanjim 5y ago
Same thing happened to me. For most of my 40s my friends were all mid-20s to mid-30s. That was fun for a while, but now I'm too old to keep up. I expect I won't ever have any close friends again, but maybe there will be a resurgence when my generation finally get their kids out of the house and end up divorced. People have kids so late in life now that they're not done actively parenting until their 60s.
nanomonkey 5y ago
If you enjoy their company, I'd suggest getting a dog. There is no easier way to meet like minded people, then to take your dog to the park. You don't even have to make close friendships with the people you see every day, but you will begin to see them repeatedly. If you don't enjoy having a dog, join a group of some sort. Dance, crossfit, hacker space, HAM radio, sailing club, community clean up crew, church, baseball...you name it.
thih9 5y ago
> Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's. Not impossible, although often hard. It also depends on how much effort are you willing to put into the search and the friendship.
- humanrebar 5y ago
  If you don't mind babysitting and doing kid friendly activities, usually the old friends can stay friends. Better friends, even, in some cases.
shocks 5y ago
> Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's. This is just not true. Consider getting a hobby and joining clubs or attending events. Establishing a friendship is (basically) impossible without: 1. repeated contact 2. a common activity to share Most people get this through school/university/workplace/partner, but there are plenty of other ways. Examples: - Buy a motorcycle. Join a riding club. [0] - Join a rock climbing gym. Look on Facebook for belay partners. - Find a maker space near you. - Learn a musical instrument at a school. - Play online games. Join a clan. 0: I've never made friends faster than via motorcycles. Literally made friends at traffic lights.
- andrewflnr 5y ago
  Right, so, I'm doing this and it has worked ok for relatively shallow friendships, but deep friendships still seem to elude me.
  - bckr 5y ago
    What have you tried to deepen friendships? These things do not happen by accident. Think of it like a marketing funnel. At the top, meeting people at a club. In the middle, hanging out 1:1. Bottom of funnel is doing something that requires commitment and self disclosure.
    - andrewflnr 5y ago
      It used to happen by accident, so I don't know what to do.
      - bckr 5y ago
        > It used to happen by accident I doubt that. I bet if you pondered, you would remember having taken all sorts of steps to forming relationships in the past. These might not look like what you're imagining, and certainly you'll have to do something differently now. But see my reply to another comment below, re: friendships don't happen by accident. And fwiw, I don't know you, but I believe in you. You can have more close friends in the future. You're capable of the work necessary.
rr808 5y ago
> single man in late 30's. The good side is there are loads of women in their thirties desperate to date, have kids, settle down. Esp if you didn't relate well to women when you're younger you have more maturity now and the odds are much better.
- throwawayboise 5y ago
  Ugh. Romances based on desperation are the worst kind. If you want to live in hell, dive in. Hint: there is a reason these women are in their 30s and still single.
  - tartoran 5y ago
    You are overgeneralizing a bit. Yes, desperate romances are impulsive and bad but it idoesn’t have to be that way. OP may find someone in the same situation, someone who didn’t want to start a family for similar reason and so on.
  - samgtx 5y ago
    Wow that's pretty rude.
    - denton-scratch 5y ago
      It is rude. A woman in her 30s might be single for any reason, and the assumption that she's "desperate" is just incel crap.
frankzander 5y ago
Get a dog ... not to have a friend but to get to know new people and be generous and kind. Maybe you find a soul who kinda surfs on your wave (at least sometimes) and maybe another and another. It's work but it pays if you keep up.
Eric_WVGG 5y ago
I think it depends a lot on where you live. I’m late-40's and in NYC, sort of a Never Never Land where people don't tend to settle into family life so much. Making friends isn't exactly easy, but it happens!
throwawayboise 5y ago
Same happened to me in muy 30s, I'm in my 50s now and it hasn't changed. I have casual acquaintances at work and at the gym, but none are close (as in, we don't get together outside of those settings). I also am never in contact with friends from school, old roomates, etc. who I did everything with at one time. When my kids were younger, I was part of another group of adults who were parents of kids involved in the same activities. But now that the kids are done with all that, those adults never kept in touch. It seems normal to me, honestly. I think friendships are matters of happenstance and cooincidence and when circumstances change the friendships are rarely kept up. People who have long-lasting adult friendships will probably realize that those friends are neighbors or have some other external commonality. If those things would change, the friendship would quickly fade.
deltaonefour 5y ago
I'm a single perpetual manchild like you. However, I look much younger than I actually am. At my age people typically suffer from age-ism in their career, I don't because of the way I look and that has allowed me to gain insights on certain things. What I found is that my friends shifted over the years, with most being 15 years younger than me nowadays. Some know how old I am, some don't know. But overtime if they get use to you, the age thing doesn't matter. If you want friends you should find it in younger people. An easy way to do that is to have suite mates or join a team in your job with younger people. But it also depends on how you look. If you look obviously older, the first impression will take a bit of time to get over. Kids won't be inviting you to parties until they're more familiar with you, so it will take time.
denton-scratch 5y ago
Late 30's? Goodness, young person; that's when I got divorced, and my life began. Courage, mon brave!

donatj 5y ago

Similar predicament myself, though I am married without children. My friends all had kids and moved out to the exurbs. Combine that with forced working from home the last couple years and it’s made my mid-late thirties the loneliest part of my life. I even tried Bumble BFF, but it just further revealed I have no idea how to make friends.

verisimi 5y ago

.... but you have your wife .... forever ... lol

theonemind 5y ago
No, he doesn't. He's single. His ex-friends have their wives forever. (But they don't, because estrangement, divorce, and death.)
- verisimi 5y ago
  I've made a mistake, I apologise! I read what the poster said as him saying that he lost his friends to marriage and family life. I obviously did NOT read the bit where he said he chose to remain single. I actually interpreted the first part as him saying that he had got married etc. Mea culpa - apologies again.
  - theonemind 5y ago
    Happens to everyone!

revlolz 5y ago

Take a hobby and find an online community for it. If there is something like a discord or messaging group, start there. Best, close, good, any friend starts as an acquaintance. Relationships need not progress anywhere to which both people make it and it's entirely possible for both parties to view the dynamic differently. I went through this and found comfort in just being able to talk with e-friends from gaming groups that I have loose association with when going through life changes.

dazc 5y ago
> Take a hobby and find an online community for it. I believe you're trying to be helpful but parent poster seems to be content as he is and there is nothing wrong with this. Just as you don't have to be married or have kids or like dogs to be a regular human being.

therealmarv 5y ago

In late thirties I changed country and joined a coworking regularly. 5 years later I have maybe even more friends than during University times is my feeling (maybe I got lucky). Same could work with joining other kind of communities (hobby, sports etc.).

hungryforcodes 5y ago
I agree! Since leaving North America and my married / parent friends -- I found so many great friends and I'm really happy. Other people should try this as well.
deltaonefour 5y ago
Co-working? You mean like a co-working space where remote workers from various companies congregate? Any recommendations for good ones?

dheera 5y ago

> i lost all my friends to marriage and family life This I can very much relate with, a lot of my formerly good friends I never see anymore because they have literally negative amount of free time, they are already cutting into their health and sleep just trying to raise 2 kids, a dog, a cat, 2 full-time jobs, and unethical amounts of on-call time. I don't think they are all doing "well" either, honestly, but they don't have time for friends, even if I try to get coffee them they usually end up having to bail in 20 minutes. I remember when these people would go on long hikes with me, build stuff together, play duets, support each other through sickness and other times of trouble, but that is no more. I'm okay because I've been fortunate enough to be able to find new friends, but yeah, I understand this phenomenon. Society is just too demanding of people in general. There used to be a time in history where only one parent worked, and in theory now that both parents work they should only theoretically need to each work half time, but that isn't what reality accepts right now, reality wants both to work full time plus some more. I have a vanishingly small but nonzero number of friends who seem to manage family life very well, including things like alternating each parent taking over 100% of kid responsibilities for a few days at a time which gives the other parent the freedom to basically do whatever they want or need to do including hobbies or social life, but that number is really quite small, and most of them have money to hire help or have close family in the area. > Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's It's much easier if you're in the right place. I can definitely say late 30's is no problem at all to make friends if you're in the bay area.

deltaonefour 5y ago
Interesting. I'm moving to the bay soon and I'm in my late 30s. Any recommendations on where to meet people and how to make new friends?
- dheera 5y ago
  There are lots of parties and gatherings in SF where if you're late 30s nobody will bat an eyelid as long as you're friendly and approachable. It may be a bit challenging to discover them at first but once you find one or two and make friends with the organizers, you'll start getting vortexed to many more as long as you are friendly and come off as either good-looking, interesting, knowledgeable, or accomplished (not necessarily all of the above, but friendly is non-negotiable). Peninsula and South Bay also have plenty of social events but they take a bit more effort to find. Look for interest clubs of sorts and start from there. If you're joining a large company such as Google or Facebook, they normally have plenty of social events, though it's been much less since COVID. If you're doing a startup, you'll get invited to various investors' parties and things and you can make friends from there. But in general ... the bay is much more forgiving of age than most places in the country.

caymanjim 5y ago

Same thing happened to me. For most of my 40s my friends were all mid-20s to mid-30s. That was fun for a while, but now I'm too old to keep up. I expect I won't ever have any close friends again, but maybe there will be a resurgence when my generation finally get their kids out of the house and end up divorced. People have kids so late in life now that they're not done actively parenting until their 60s.

nanomonkey 5y ago

If you enjoy their company, I'd suggest getting a dog. There is no easier way to meet like minded people, then to take your dog to the park. You don't even have to make close friendships with the people you see every day, but you will begin to see them repeatedly. If you don't enjoy having a dog, join a group of some sort. Dance, crossfit, hacker space, HAM radio, sailing club, community clean up crew, church, baseball...you name it.

thih9 5y ago

> Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's. Not impossible, although often hard. It also depends on how much effort are you willing to put into the search and the friendship.

humanrebar 5y ago
If you don't mind babysitting and doing kid friendly activities, usually the old friends can stay friends. Better friends, even, in some cases.

shocks 5y ago

> Impossible to find friends as a single man in lat 30's. This is just not true. Consider getting a hobby and joining clubs or attending events. Establishing a friendship is (basically) impossible without: 1. repeated contact 2. a common activity to share Most people get this through school/university/workplace/partner, but there are plenty of other ways. Examples: - Buy a motorcycle. Join a riding club. [0] - Join a rock climbing gym. Look on Facebook for belay partners. - Find a maker space near you. - Learn a musical instrument at a school. - Play online games. Join a clan. 0: I've never made friends faster than via motorcycles. Literally made friends at traffic lights.

andrewflnr 5y ago
Right, so, I'm doing this and it has worked ok for relatively shallow friendships, but deep friendships still seem to elude me.
- bckr 5y ago
  What have you tried to deepen friendships? These things do not happen by accident. Think of it like a marketing funnel. At the top, meeting people at a club. In the middle, hanging out 1:1. Bottom of funnel is doing something that requires commitment and self disclosure.
  - andrewflnr 5y ago
    It used to happen by accident, so I don't know what to do.
    - bckr 5y ago
      > It used to happen by accident I doubt that. I bet if you pondered, you would remember having taken all sorts of steps to forming relationships in the past. These might not look like what you're imagining, and certainly you'll have to do something differently now. But see my reply to another comment below, re: friendships don't happen by accident. And fwiw, I don't know you, but I believe in you. You can have more close friends in the future. You're capable of the work necessary.

rr808 5y ago

> single man in late 30's. The good side is there are loads of women in their thirties desperate to date, have kids, settle down. Esp if you didn't relate well to women when you're younger you have more maturity now and the odds are much better.

throwawayboise 5y ago
Ugh. Romances based on desperation are the worst kind. If you want to live in hell, dive in. Hint: there is a reason these women are in their 30s and still single.
- tartoran 5y ago
  You are overgeneralizing a bit. Yes, desperate romances are impulsive and bad but it idoesn’t have to be that way. OP may find someone in the same situation, someone who didn’t want to start a family for similar reason and so on.
- samgtx 5y ago
  Wow that's pretty rude.
  - denton-scratch 5y ago
    It is rude. A woman in her 30s might be single for any reason, and the assumption that she's "desperate" is just incel crap.

frankzander 5y ago

Get a dog ... not to have a friend but to get to know new people and be generous and kind. Maybe you find a soul who kinda surfs on your wave (at least sometimes) and maybe another and another. It's work but it pays if you keep up.

Eric_WVGG 5y ago

I think it depends a lot on where you live. I’m late-40's and in NYC, sort of a Never Never Land where people don't tend to settle into family life so much. Making friends isn't exactly easy, but it happens!

throwawayboise 5y ago

Same happened to me in muy 30s, I'm in my 50s now and it hasn't changed. I have casual acquaintances at work and at the gym, but none are close (as in, we don't get together outside of those settings). I also am never in contact with friends from school, old roomates, etc. who I did everything with at one time. When my kids were younger, I was part of another group of adults who were parents of kids involved in the same activities. But now that the kids are done with all that, those adults never kept in touch. It seems normal to me, honestly. I think friendships are matters of happenstance and cooincidence and when circumstances change the friendships are rarely kept up. People who have long-lasting adult friendships will probably realize that those friends are neighbors or have some other external commonality. If those things would change, the friendship would quickly fade.

deltaonefour 5y ago

I'm a single perpetual manchild like you. However, I look much younger than I actually am. At my age people typically suffer from age-ism in their career, I don't because of the way I look and that has allowed me to gain insights on certain things. What I found is that my friends shifted over the years, with most being 15 years younger than me nowadays. Some know how old I am, some don't know. But overtime if they get use to you, the age thing doesn't matter. If you want friends you should find it in younger people. An easy way to do that is to have suite mates or join a team in your job with younger people. But it also depends on how you look. If you look obviously older, the first impression will take a bit of time to get over. Kids won't be inviting you to parties until they're more familiar with you, so it will take time.

denton-scratch 5y ago

Late 30's? Goodness, young person; that's when I got divorced, and my life began. Courage, mon brave!