These kinds of jokes are often used to make mock lawyers and even the legal profession. But under US criminal the defense doesn’t have to do anything, the enti

These kinds of jokes are often used to make mock lawyers and even the legal profession. But under US criminal the defense doesn’t have to do anything, the entire burden is on the government to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that: 1) a criminal act happened, 2) the defendant committed the act and 3) defendant had intent to commit the crime. Naturally opening/closing arguments actually sound very much like your joke…the government can’t prove a crime happened; if they can they can’t prove my client committed the act; and if they can they can’t prove my client intended to commit the act. It sounds funny, but logically it makes a lot of sense to say things like we don’t need to a get to the question of if the defendant committed the crime because the government can’t prove beyond a reasonable doubt a crime was committed (e.g. no body in a murder case).