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I think people with families can be incredibly protective of it and anything that may create emotional upheaval in it. If I were in his situation, I'd be thinki

by madrox 5y ago

I think people with families can be incredibly protective of it and anything that may create emotional upheaval in it. If I were in his situation, I'd be thinking more about how this might impact my wife or children. Depending on upbringing and religion, I can see it being immensely traumatic for the rest of the family. I'd care more about protecting that stability than satisfying my or my donor child's curiosity. You can say that family would be wrong, but sometimes being right isn't the most important thing in a marriage or in parenting. Imagine this story if it didn't happen through artificial insemination but through, say, an ex-girlfriend who didn't reveal the pregnancy until the child was in adulthood. That literally happened to a friend of mine. While the father had no control over what happened, it was immensely disruptive to his family. To them, it was a lot like discovering he had a second family...cue the thoughts on if you'll be loved less, etc. While you can say there's a world of difference between the two, the emotional journey for the family can end up looking very similar. Again, it isn't fair, but anything emotionally charged like this isn't. I'm not saying it's necessarily what I'd do, but I understand.

maroonblazer 5y ago
I'm still not grokking the trauma. It's a cliche, but impregnating someone doesn't make you a parent, in the sense that's relevant to your comment. It's investing the time, attention, emotional and financial resources that grants one that status. If I learned that my dad was not actually traveling on business but instead tending to his alternate family, that would be sad. If I learned that he had biological offspring that he had no material (otherwise) connection with/to, I'd simply shrug.
- bobthepanda 5y ago
  Very few emotional responses are rational, and I'd hardly call any sort of reaction to this universal. in a more precarious manner, our legal systems were not well updated to deal with IVF. Some states do not explicitly protect donors from being sued for child support. And even worse if the child was actually conceived.
- morgante 5y ago
  If "impregnating someone doesn't make you a parent" then why does the author even want contact with her biological father? There is zero rational reason for them to have contact or a relationship except that she clearly does want one. I don't blame him for not wanting a random new family member.
  - maroonblazer 5y ago
    It's perfectly rational to want to make contact with the person you inherited half your DNA from. I don't get from the article that the author was necessarily seeking a long-term, or otherwise deep relationship with their biological father.
    - morgante 5y ago
      I think it's perfectly understandable to want to make contact with him, but not necessarily rational. If she doesn't want a relationship with him, why is she trying to make contact? (He's already given her medical info.) It's rather clear she does expect a relationship of some sort.
      - maroonblazer 5y ago
        Either scenario is plausible. She may want nothing more than to spend no more than 2 hours over coffee learning about him. Or, she may want to kindle a long-term relationship. The author doesn't give us enough details to know one way or the other.
        Projectiboga 5y ago
        Dude's seed was stolen, he wasn't a donor, he paid to have it stored for future use. When he tried to use what was left it failed. So I cut the guy a break on this, he never consented to either sex nor was he a donor. I'd like to think I'd want to speak to her, but I haven't gone through any of that process.
- madrox 5y ago
  I think the failure to grok stems from you imagining yourself in this position and thinking about how you'd feel instead of imagining other kinds of people and how they'd feel. If it helps, women tend to think about parenthood differently by nature...probably because their involvement in the act includes giving birth. A woman would likely find it more difficult to maintain that "sperm donor" separation. If the wife of the man is that kind of person, they might find it very hard to imagine the man maintaining separation (much the way you find it hard to imagine not maintaining it). Even meeting once is spending time, attention, and emotional resources. And for the family, even that little bit can be the seed of questions of whether one meeting means there will be more. If I were in the man's position, it wouldn't be worth distress I'd cause. Better to have none than one. However, we're getting into increasingly hypothetical territory. We're doing a lot to assume emotions and motivations on people and assessing their validity. Valid or not, I do see a world where I'd make the same choice this man made, and I wish them the best for it.

by madrox 5y ago

maroonblazer 5y ago

I'm still not grokking the trauma. It's a cliche, but impregnating someone doesn't make you a parent, in the sense that's relevant to your comment. It's investing the time, attention, emotional and financial resources that grants one that status. If I learned that my dad was not actually traveling on business but instead tending to his alternate family, that would be sad. If I learned that he had biological offspring that he had no material (otherwise) connection with/to, I'd simply shrug.

bobthepanda 5y ago
Very few emotional responses are rational, and I'd hardly call any sort of reaction to this universal. in a more precarious manner, our legal systems were not well updated to deal with IVF. Some states do not explicitly protect donors from being sued for child support. And even worse if the child was actually conceived.
morgante 5y ago
If "impregnating someone doesn't make you a parent" then why does the author even want contact with her biological father? There is zero rational reason for them to have contact or a relationship except that she clearly does want one. I don't blame him for not wanting a random new family member.
- maroonblazer 5y ago
  It's perfectly rational to want to make contact with the person you inherited half your DNA from. I don't get from the article that the author was necessarily seeking a long-term, or otherwise deep relationship with their biological father.
  - morgante 5y ago
    I think it's perfectly understandable to want to make contact with him, but not necessarily rational. If she doesn't want a relationship with him, why is she trying to make contact? (He's already given her medical info.) It's rather clear she does expect a relationship of some sort.
    - maroonblazer 5y ago
      Either scenario is plausible. She may want nothing more than to spend no more than 2 hours over coffee learning about him. Or, she may want to kindle a long-term relationship. The author doesn't give us enough details to know one way or the other.
      - Projectiboga 5y ago
        Dude's seed was stolen, he wasn't a donor, he paid to have it stored for future use. When he tried to use what was left it failed. So I cut the guy a break on this, he never consented to either sex nor was he a donor. I'd like to think I'd want to speak to her, but I haven't gone through any of that process.
madrox 5y ago
I think the failure to grok stems from you imagining yourself in this position and thinking about how you'd feel instead of imagining other kinds of people and how they'd feel. If it helps, women tend to think about parenthood differently by nature...probably because their involvement in the act includes giving birth. A woman would likely find it more difficult to maintain that "sperm donor" separation. If the wife of the man is that kind of person, they might find it very hard to imagine the man maintaining separation (much the way you find it hard to imagine not maintaining it). Even meeting once is spending time, attention, and emotional resources. And for the family, even that little bit can be the seed of questions of whether one meeting means there will be more. If I were in the man's position, it wouldn't be worth distress I'd cause. Better to have none than one. However, we're getting into increasingly hypothetical territory. We're doing a lot to assume emotions and motivations on people and assessing their validity. Valid or not, I do see a world where I'd make the same choice this man made, and I wish them the best for it.