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Can you explain that in more detail? Because I don't understand it at all. If somehow it turned out I have other children, I'd love to know how they're doing a

Can you explain that in more detail? Because I don't understand it at all. If somehow it turned out I have other children, I'd love to know how they're doing and if they're similar to me or my kid. A personal data point on the nature vs nurture debate! I can understand not wanting additional financial responsibilities - but that can't be the worry here, the author is in her 30s.

darkerside 5y ago
Some people don't want to accept that the story of their life is not what they think it is
- vmception 5y ago
  Others, like me, just don't care. I'm come with a feature of skipping all the other stages, straight from news to acceptance. Let other people have denial, bargain, anger, etc. I'm more like "huh, how about that, humans have a track record of doing things like that or being involved in things like that" If I found out I had a different parent, or a different sibling, I've already acknowledged the possibility of this. It happens. Now, we've all even read this article, now we all know "it happens". Meh. Moving on. Nice parlor talk if I want to shake up a conversation.
  - darkerside 5y ago
    I think you and others implied a value judgement that I didn't make. I think some people are searching for a Truth that will make it all make sense, and others have found a truth that works well enough for them, and they don't want to shake it up. I've been on both sides of the coin myself.
dixie_land 5y ago
If a rape victim has an offspring and wants nothing to with it, I’d say it’s a very understandable position.
madrox 5y ago
I think people with families can be incredibly protective of it and anything that may create emotional upheaval in it. If I were in his situation, I'd be thinking more about how this might impact my wife or children. Depending on upbringing and religion, I can see it being immensely traumatic for the rest of the family. I'd care more about protecting that stability than satisfying my or my donor child's curiosity. You can say that family would be wrong, but sometimes being right isn't the most important thing in a marriage or in parenting. Imagine this story if it didn't happen through artificial insemination but through, say, an ex-girlfriend who didn't reveal the pregnancy until the child was in adulthood. That literally happened to a friend of mine. While the father had no control over what happened, it was immensely disruptive to his family. To them, it was a lot like discovering he had a second family...cue the thoughts on if you'll be loved less, etc. While you can say there's a world of difference between the two, the emotional journey for the family can end up looking very similar. Again, it isn't fair, but anything emotionally charged like this isn't. I'm not saying it's necessarily what I'd do, but I understand.
- maroonblazer 5y ago
  I'm still not grokking the trauma. It's a cliche, but impregnating someone doesn't make you a parent, in the sense that's relevant to your comment. It's investing the time, attention, emotional and financial resources that grants one that status. If I learned that my dad was not actually traveling on business but instead tending to his alternate family, that would be sad. If I learned that he had biological offspring that he had no material (otherwise) connection with/to, I'd simply shrug.
  - bobthepanda 5y ago
    Very few emotional responses are rational, and I'd hardly call any sort of reaction to this universal. in a more precarious manner, our legal systems were not well updated to deal with IVF. Some states do not explicitly protect donors from being sued for child support. And even worse if the child was actually conceived.
  - morgante 5y ago
    If "impregnating someone doesn't make you a parent" then why does the author even want contact with her biological father? There is zero rational reason for them to have contact or a relationship except that she clearly does want one. I don't blame him for not wanting a random new family member.
_carbyau_ 5y ago
Depending on scope and location, there could still be the issue of inheritance.
- samtho 5y ago
  In any place where fertility treatments include using donor sperm or eggs, this is a non-issue. Legally, your parents are the people written on your birth certificate.

darkerside 5y ago

Some people don't want to accept that the story of their life is not what they think it is

vmception 5y ago
Others, like me, just don't care. I'm come with a feature of skipping all the other stages, straight from news to acceptance. Let other people have denial, bargain, anger, etc. I'm more like "huh, how about that, humans have a track record of doing things like that or being involved in things like that" If I found out I had a different parent, or a different sibling, I've already acknowledged the possibility of this. It happens. Now, we've all even read this article, now we all know "it happens". Meh. Moving on. Nice parlor talk if I want to shake up a conversation.
- darkerside 5y ago
  I think you and others implied a value judgement that I didn't make. I think some people are searching for a Truth that will make it all make sense, and others have found a truth that works well enough for them, and they don't want to shake it up. I've been on both sides of the coin myself.

dixie_land 5y ago

If a rape victim has an offspring and wants nothing to with it, I’d say it’s a very understandable position.

madrox 5y ago

I think people with families can be incredibly protective of it and anything that may create emotional upheaval in it. If I were in his situation, I'd be thinking more about how this might impact my wife or children. Depending on upbringing and religion, I can see it being immensely traumatic for the rest of the family. I'd care more about protecting that stability than satisfying my or my donor child's curiosity. You can say that family would be wrong, but sometimes being right isn't the most important thing in a marriage or in parenting. Imagine this story if it didn't happen through artificial insemination but through, say, an ex-girlfriend who didn't reveal the pregnancy until the child was in adulthood. That literally happened to a friend of mine. While the father had no control over what happened, it was immensely disruptive to his family. To them, it was a lot like discovering he had a second family...cue the thoughts on if you'll be loved less, etc. While you can say there's a world of difference between the two, the emotional journey for the family can end up looking very similar. Again, it isn't fair, but anything emotionally charged like this isn't. I'm not saying it's necessarily what I'd do, but I understand.

maroonblazer 5y ago
I'm still not grokking the trauma. It's a cliche, but impregnating someone doesn't make you a parent, in the sense that's relevant to your comment. It's investing the time, attention, emotional and financial resources that grants one that status. If I learned that my dad was not actually traveling on business but instead tending to his alternate family, that would be sad. If I learned that he had biological offspring that he had no material (otherwise) connection with/to, I'd simply shrug.
- bobthepanda 5y ago
  Very few emotional responses are rational, and I'd hardly call any sort of reaction to this universal. in a more precarious manner, our legal systems were not well updated to deal with IVF. Some states do not explicitly protect donors from being sued for child support. And even worse if the child was actually conceived.
- morgante 5y ago
  If "impregnating someone doesn't make you a parent" then why does the author even want contact with her biological father? There is zero rational reason for them to have contact or a relationship except that she clearly does want one. I don't blame him for not wanting a random new family member.

_carbyau_ 5y ago

Depending on scope and location, there could still be the issue of inheritance.

samtho 5y ago
In any place where fertility treatments include using donor sperm or eggs, this is a non-issue. Legally, your parents are the people written on your birth certificate.