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I've found the problem with venting can be that it cements an idea in your head. This is particularly true with people. If I find myself venting that <X> does

I've found the problem with venting can be that it cements an idea in your head. This is particularly true with people. If I find myself venting that <X> doesn't know what the heck they're doing, I've internally solidified that belief. If <X> improves, if I'm on another project with <X> where they clearly have a lot of knowledge, then it can still be too late. I've verbalized to myself ( and worse, my partner ) that X is incompetent and I'm not going to easily let that go. I think it's true with other things. <Y> is a terrible idea, <Z>'s code base is a mess. If I let it role over me, notice things without forcing an opinion, I'm more likely to realize I've judged to soon.

mikepurvis 5y ago
This is an interesting one particularly when it comes to listening well in intimate relationships— the wisdom is that men are generally worse listeners and have a tendency to want fix things rather than just being present with their partner to understand how they are feeling and where they are at. And that learning to do this and learning to ask for it, are important pieces of long term relationship success. All of which makes sense, but I do think some of the times when I've struggled with this was maybe tied into what your describing: a concern that while my partner's feelings of hurt or whatever were total valid, I found it hard to separate validating just the feelings while not also validating what I felt were unfair judgments/characterizations about the people or situations involved, and was nervous that letting those judgments go by unaddressed was indeed going to cement them as a future factual reference point.
caddemon 5y ago
I agree with this to some extent, but I think when I get to the point of externally venting I've already pretty strongly internalized the thought. My larger concern with venting is that it seems to encourage bad next step coping strategies for me. I vent that "X is terrible so it's hard for me to get anything done" and oftentimes this gets validated in a way that encourages the "not getting anything done" part, which isn't helpful even when X actually is terrible. There's a fine line between recognizing that you're in a difficult situation and giving yourself an excuse to fail, at least for me. Like a lot of things, venting is probably good in moderation, as long as you are able to keep it in moderation. The most recent situation I was in I had trouble telling how much of the problem was on me, and then by venting to some coworkers I pretty quickly discovered that nearly everyone felt the same way about X. This was comforting at first, but the more we vented the more I felt justified in blowing off work. I didn't even replace that time with anything personally productive unfortunately. I've regrouped now and am working on getting out of the project the right way, but I wish I handled it better in the first place.

mikepurvis 5y ago

This is an interesting one particularly when it comes to listening well in intimate relationships— the wisdom is that men are generally worse listeners and have a tendency to want fix things rather than just being present with their partner to understand how they are feeling and where they are at. And that learning to do this and learning to ask for it, are important pieces of long term relationship success. All of which makes sense, but I do think some of the times when I've struggled with this was maybe tied into what your describing: a concern that while my partner's feelings of hurt or whatever were total valid, I found it hard to separate validating just the feelings while not also validating what I felt were unfair judgments/characterizations about the people or situations involved, and was nervous that letting those judgments go by unaddressed was indeed going to cement them as a future factual reference point.

caddemon 5y ago

I agree with this to some extent, but I think when I get to the point of externally venting I've already pretty strongly internalized the thought. My larger concern with venting is that it seems to encourage bad next step coping strategies for me. I vent that "X is terrible so it's hard for me to get anything done" and oftentimes this gets validated in a way that encourages the "not getting anything done" part, which isn't helpful even when X actually is terrible. There's a fine line between recognizing that you're in a difficult situation and giving yourself an excuse to fail, at least for me. Like a lot of things, venting is probably good in moderation, as long as you are able to keep it in moderation. The most recent situation I was in I had trouble telling how much of the problem was on me, and then by venting to some coworkers I pretty quickly discovered that nearly everyone felt the same way about X. This was comforting at first, but the more we vented the more I felt justified in blowing off work. I didn't even replace that time with anything personally productive unfortunately. I've regrouped now and am working on getting out of the project the right way, but I wish I handled it better in the first place.