15 ms·

Regrets of the Dying (2010)

149 points by rzk 5y ago

mjfl 5y ago
These are average people right? They worked in like HR or accounting, maybe something more blue collar? Well no wonder they regretted working. I wonder what you would get asking people who worked for a higher purpose? Dying certainly sucks, as does aging.
- shadowofneptune 5y ago
  What would you regret then? These all seemed like things I could ask myself.
- ivanhoe 5y ago
  How do you define what a higher purpose is? Workaholics always think that they're doing something super important, no one would voluntarily invest there time into something they feel is utterly useless. What if one day they wake up with a realization that the purpose wasn't as "higher" as they've though it was? That they've missed other important stuff in their life? I've seen it happen to people around me...
  - mjfl 5y ago
    Doing some kind of high impact medical research, exploring the cutting edge of science, political or intellectual revolutions, making a spaceship to Mars, etc... > hat if one day they wake up with a realization that the purpose wasn't as "higher" as they've though it was? Look if you are researching how to save lives, you are researching how to save lives..
    - bennyelv 5y ago
      Then when you're on your death bed you realise that ultimately it was all futile, because no matter what you did or how successful you could have been at it: every life ends up at the same point you are at now. The point is, I don't think it's as simple as that.
      - mjfl 5y ago
        I think that's incredibly cynical. It feels good to leave a mark on others lives.
        npteljes 5y ago
        What I think is that you need to be mindful to decide while it's happening. It might be satisfyingly important, or it might be meaningless, just very desirable. Really no objective way to measure it. Maybe someone helped a ton of people but let down those close to them, and they end up with regret.
    - saiya-jin 5y ago
      I guess you don't have real field experience - its a super frustrating job. 10 years of efforts end up in bureaucratic quagmire, rewriting same stupid article/publication 10x. You may find out you spent all thaat time in direction which doesn't work. No, its often a properly shitty job, unfortunately. People in such field often, very explicitly, express to me how they regret going into it and how easy life I have it with my office job with tons of time for hobbies. No life, just locked in the labs. These are not anymore the days of Pasteur or Marie-Curie where fame comes to hard workers. You want rewarding job? Doctors. Teachers. But ask them and few are happy with the job. I'd say its a mindset thing - either you can be happy with little, or not and then its hard to not die with regrets. Personally, I've set my life and did all major decisions with primary aspect of 'not having regrets when dying'. It may or may not ultimately bring the result desired but it gives a clear, good direction in life which is enough for me.
      - mjfl 5y ago
        > I guess you don't have real field experience You are mindbogglingly overconfident in your opinion and experience relative to my own.
    - elteto 5y ago
      The irony here is that in order to do any of the above things and to do them to the extent that you have a large impact on the world you have to sacrifice many, many other things in your life. You can't be a dedicated parent and slave away 80+ hours/week in a lab doing research. The day has 24 hours for everybody and you can't be world class with a 9-5pm.
  - danrocks 5y ago
    > How do you define what a higher purpose is? Judging by my conversations with Silicon Valley hiring managers these days: selling more ads.
- germinalphrase 5y ago
  I’m a teacher. In very clear and obvious ways, my works “matters”, and I have the privilege of living my values every day. Paradoxically, I am increasingly sad and angry (which is not my natural disposition) about my work and very well may be on the path to burning out. My wife and I are actively planning what will happen if I don’t return to teaching next year. What’s our runway? What will I do? (UX? PM? Sales? …?). Would it be possible to find a position where I can work 20-30 hours per week and be more present for our young son? Or - should I try to maximize income to make up for years of never making more than 45k? I have strong emotions about all of this, but having a higher purpose is only so sustaining.
Ariarule 5y ago
Robin Hanson expressed some doubts about this list back in 2010: https://www.overcomingbias.com/2010/11/deathbed-regret-is-far.html https://www.overcomingbias.com/2010/11/deathbed-regret-is-fa...
- coldtea 5y ago
  I don't find his arguments any good. Basically "my wife is also a nurse and she haven't heard many" and "they're no good anyway". > Ms. Ware said regrets are expressed “when questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently”; my wife isn’t thrilled about this as a care technique. Or: > Deathbed folks are usually far from their analytical peak – they are often in great pain, and rather muddle-headed. So why would we think their comments especially insightful? It also gets comically reductionistic: > Added 9a: Stephen Smith suggests these regrets are the predictable result of opiate pain medication. But I think it's more about the author trying to force his opinion, when it's not really needed, insightful, or that useful.
  - steve_g 5y ago
    I think "my wife is a hospice worker who has provided care to over 5000 patients and hasn't heard these regrets" is a pretty decent argument. I'm not saying Hanson is right, but I wouldn't dismiss his wife's experience.
    - coldtea 5y ago
      >is a pretty decent argument Well, did she fish for them? The author states that she disagrees about asking such things, so isn't the answer no? (And, beyond asking: is she the type people would trust with such things, or e.g. does she come of as more cold, etc? There can be many factors).
    - StopTheWorld 5y ago
      I am not a hospice worker, but I have heard more than one old person say #2 and #4 - that they were busy working and did not get to see their kids growing up as much as they wanted, and they wish they had not lost touch with old, good friends. Not sure why she did not hear this from the thousands of older people she worked with in hospice care, I have certainly heard it.
amerine 5y ago
I don’t necessarily trust the provenance of the regrets, but I do find that the regrets listed do invoke some thought about my life and the future, and so I appreciate it!
dang 5y ago
Related: The Top of My Todo List (2012) - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28238124 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28238124 - Aug 2021 (18 comments) Top five regrets of the dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9689907 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9689907 - June 2015 (5 comments) The Top Of My Todo List - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3872613 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3872613 - April 2012 (185 comments) Regrets of the Dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3646379 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3646379 - Feb 2012 (4 comments) Top five regrets of the dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3542280 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3542280 - Feb 2012 (1 comment) Top Five Regrets of the Dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3331535 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3331535 - Dec 2011 (1 comment) Top 5 Regrets People Make on their Deathbed - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2615886 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2615886 - June 2011 (51 comments) Regrets of the Dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1643239 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1643239 - Aug 2010 (90 comments)
WheelsAtLarge 5y ago
People should note that having dreams without figuring out how to get them accomplished is a sure way to have regrets. We are told that we should chase our dreams with the idea that if we wish hard enough they will come true - popular entertainment re-enforces it. I think that's why there are so many people that buy lottery tickets hoping their dreams will come true once they have the instant money of a win. But the reality is that only a few people will win the lottery. It's by design. The lottery is built with the idea that only a tiny percent will ever get the big money. This seems like it's obvious but a large number of people just believe that dreams come true by luck. So keep in mind that most dreams are achievable you just have to work towards them by setting up a life plan. -Define dream -Set up a plan to the goal/dream -execute plan until achieved - but review on a set time table to make sure you are heading in the right direction. Start, life really is short.
- sgt101 5y ago
  I buy lottery tickets because it's fun (for me) to pretend that I will win. It's playing as in "lets pretend" and "dressing up". I know that it's 1:14,000,000 against and I know how big a 1,000,000 is. Dreaming in the longer run is good, and goals can provide meaning and structure in what is essentially a meaningless and chaotic world. Living in the moment is also good, playing is good.
  - saiya-jin 5y ago
    Sure, but you can also direct all that time, money and energy towards something much more rewarding, with real and very probable chances of succeeding, instead of string of little failures to win for rest of your life. For example I have a long term dream of being self-sufficient paraglider, Icarus dream and all that. I live in a country where its hard to have full course (2 weeks minimum) unless you speak fluent french, which I don't yet. I have 2 tiny little small kids. I have had some recent injuries which delay/block similar efforts. But I didn't give up, waited patiently till suddenly I had a window for the course. Did it, and now looking for spring to continue the momentum, whenever family situation allows it. Some other activities would be much easier (and cheaper) to get into. But somehow I knew and felt that this will be very rewarding for me, combining hiking up and flying down the mountains. I don't call them dreams - those are rather impossible situations like me free floating on ISS looking a dark space around Earth, stars, moon and milky way. Or winning lottery. Goals is much better term for me, there are clear actionable steps to get there. Compared to this dream, paragliding is peanuts to achieve.
aaron695 5y ago
rdiddly 5y ago
These are good but it's important to keep it in perspective. You might not need to optimize every day between now and then for what you think you're going to regret then. People who aren't dying have different needs, like paying rent next month.
- deleted 5y ago
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ReaLNero 5y ago
> I wish that I had let myself be happier. I see this as a call to mindfulness. A lot of adult life is spent sacrificing the current self for the benefit of the future self. For a lot of everyday activities like brushing teeth or walking to work we never really think about it, we just use it to think about what's going to happen later on. Sorry for being wishy-washy, but we have to confront that we are living right now, and we ought to enjoy what we are doing right now! Not in the sense that we should live like there's no tomorrow -- but that we should enjoy the today we are getting.
- mlatu 5y ago
  > enjoy the today we are getting. insert spongebob meme where he points out all the hidden diapers have you watched the news lately?
  - ryeights 5y ago
    First step: stop watching the news! It’s designed to make you stressed and angry and unhappy.
    - wizzwizz4 5y ago
      Most of the time, yeah. But sometimes there are legitimate reasons to be stressed and angry and unhappy. Stop watching the news, and maybe when you should be angry, you won't be too exhausted to do something with that anger. Anger without action is wasted emotion.
  - ReaLNero 5y ago
    Realistically, there is not much impact us little humans can have. The options are to donate to humanitarian organizations working there, vote for a government that's going to intervene, or volunteer as a soldier. I'm not eligible to vote, I would never be a capable soldier, but I did donate. The idea is that even if terrible things are happening, and you are anxious for what's next, you have to look in front of you, and see what you can do different right now. To a large extent this conflict is outside our hands, and we should prepare accordingly. My plea to you is to please donate to the red cross in Ukraine :)
bmitc 5y ago
Mortality is something I have been greatly struggling with lately, and I am neither sick nor old. But it's just tough to grapple with. By all accounts, life and this universe makes no damn sense, and for the most part, attempts to understand it are futile. We carve out little things that are interesting, but that's about it. And all that is ignoring the fatal flaws of humanity. What's interesting is that I already share most of these regrets, and I am not dying, at least in the traditional sense since we are all dying. I think for the most part, all one can do in life is to just do. Be yourself but stop worrying about what yourself is. Treat any done project, not matter how small, as a good project. Look for little successes like that. And the older I get, the more I realize that relationships matter.
- randomsearch 5y ago
  Life only has meaning when viewed through the collective: our purpose is to help others, make great things and self actualise (learn, develop). Life isn’t about me or you, it’s about us. Make plans that go beyond your lifetime - with the intention of “handing off” to a suitable person, or at least leaving a description of what you’d like to see next so that someone else can pick that up. There are so many problems to solve, ideas to explore, others to help, people to inspire. The really difficulty lies in choosing one thing to work on at a time.
  - kgwgk 5y ago
    > Make plans that go beyond your lifetime If you cannot find a meaning in one lifetime, adding a finite number of (other people’s) lifetimes will still be meaningless. (It can make the ending of your own less relevant but I’d say that’s a different issue.)
    - randomsearch 5y ago
      No, it won’t still be meaningless; it is not a different issue, and that’s exactly the point. I think grasping this is a fundamental step towards escaping a very egocentric view of life.
Simon_O_Rourke 5y ago
"I wish I had watched more TV"
- dmichulke 5y ago
  "Regrets you'll never hear" top spot I'll add "I wish I argued more with strangers on the internet"
  - JKCalhoun 5y ago
    "I wish I had consumed more politics."
  - npteljes 5y ago
    The usual is "I wish I worked more".
ivanhoe 5y ago
The million dollars question here is, if they had a chance to go back and do things differently, would that make them have no regrets on their dying bed, or they'd just end up with a different set of regrets?
- sgt101 5y ago
  My grandfathers dying regrets (expressed to me) were that he had bought the wrong sort of kitchen units. I guess that there are always going to be regrets.
  - deleted 5y ago
    [deleted]
  - hcks 5y ago
    Peak boomer aesthetic (no value judgement)
  - Tepix 5y ago
    Isn't it a great sign of a happy fulfilled life if something so minor is his dying regret?
  - JKCalhoun 5y ago
    I feel like your grandfather had a wicked sense of humor.
  - calebm 5y ago
    It sounds like your grandfather lived very well.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- throwaway5486nv 5y ago
  Asked the right question. We don't know what choices would have lead to global optimal point even at the end of life. It is possible there are multiple global optimal points. At least this serves as a motivation for anti aging.
danielovichdk 5y ago
I have seen this article many times over the years. And I do believe it's a fine piece but also that it would great to see what people said coming from different cultures. And at the same time it would be great to read about what had made people happy in life.
hestefisk 5y ago
The point about regretting not spending more time with family makes me really sad. Slaving away in a high pressure cooperate job is a sure way to miss out on what’s really important.
- nemo44x 5y ago
  Especially when you consider how little you’ll see them once they move out. 90% of the time you’ll spend with your kids will happen before they are 18.
  - hestefisk 5y ago
    Fuel on the fire, life is painful and unfair. :(
  - JKCalhoun 5y ago
    I'll make it worse: actually before they start middle school (junior high). When mine were young, I read to them every night before bed and they seemed to really enjoy it. We worked through, believe it or not, The Lord of the Rings, Uncle Remus stories, the Harry Potter series, The Hobbit, most of the Andrew Lang Fairie books, etc. But once they got past age 12, school got "real", smart phones landed in their hands and fairyland faded away.
- JKCalhoun 5y ago
  The timing is horrible, ins't it? I decided to try and leverage my life as a corporate cog and retire as early as I thought I could (age 57), but it is too late with regard to raising my daughters. They've all flown the nest. I did try the best I could to give them, I think, more than my parent(s) gave me when I was growing up.
  - oldstrangers 5y ago
    You've got the best years still available with your daughters now though. Plan trips with them, plan experiences. I'm 37 and I go and visit my aging parents as much as I can, adding up that collective time together. My dad is 76, I wish he was 57. I'd ask him to go camping or on a road trip. I should still do that now probably, it's just hard to shake the realities of aging.
jmathai 5y ago
The framework I use to make important life decisions is a simple one. On my deathbed, which choice will I wish that I would have made? Surprisingly, it's almost always the one which feels uncomfortable and with the most unknowns. It turns out, anecdotally, that it's not that uncomfortable and you can learn things pretty easily.
- JKCalhoun 5y ago
  Vague: I think you're going to need at least one example.
  - jmathai 5y ago
    My wife and I would like to move to another city. We have a 9 and 11 year old that we would be pulling out of their current school. Making the move is daunting because we worry our kids will struggle to make new friends and we don't know that we'll love the area like we think we might (plus, we don't dislike our current city). The safe thing to do is to stay put. There's little risk and we know what to expect. But I believe that we will have wished we would have made the move when looking back 20 years from now.
throwaway_981 5y ago
Let me share what I thought when I knew that I could legitimately die. I was 21. Save some extra fat on my tummy and a very common kind of infection in my nose, I was very fit and healthy. I was struck by a very rare disease and the doctor asked my family for 72 hours before he could tell whether or not I will live. I spent much of the time under painkillers, intubated, and some tranquilizers. But I did not lose my mind. I was perfectly sane. I realized and decided some things. The experience also bought many changes in me. 1. Scores, test, class rank are worth shit. Abandoning group activities and going to places that I would enjoy for preparing better for tests was a huge mistake. I made a decision that I would never do that for stuff meaningless for me. 2. There is no need to tolerate people's drama. You don't owe anyone shit. 3. Connections with people matter. The people you care about, you should invest time and effort to make those connections deeper. On the other hand, no need to tolerate people just for the sake societal reasons. Just cut people off who make you unhappy and does not contribute positively to your life. 4. Pets rock. For me, pet means dog. I decided to keep at least one dog whenever it would be logistically possible. I have kept the promise I made to myself. 5. A deep life is a good life. I wanted to be deeply knowledgeable and good in things rather than hopping among many. 6. Helping people is one of the best feelings. I keep doing that. 7. Being nice to people is another. I always was more empathetic than others, less judgemental. But my experience with death has made me more so. 8. I was big on rationality and I remain the same. But I have learned that going beyond logic is essential for one's growth as a human being. (This is the opposite of faith and ignoring logic). I was and remained an athiest. But I started to look into lives of people that I could love and feel devotion towards. The two people were Buddha and Sri Chaitanya. I continue discussing them, studying them, and knowing more about them. Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem, Turing's Halting problem has helped push me in this direction. Note that I am still an uber-skeptic and don't believe in religions or spirit or god or ghosts or whatever. 9. I started deeply focusing on what I want. The proverbial "people" can go do themselves. 10. The cause of disease is still undiagnosed. There is not enough research. I still learned to value my health. 11. I don't know why, but my experience has made me calmer. I take decisions more promptly, and in a well-thought out manner. 12. My sense of gratitude have increased five-fold. I understand and acknowledge my good fortunes. I complain much less. 13. I put more value on gaining physical, sensational pleasures. I used to feel guilty, but I don't anymore. 14. My capacity to love has increased. I am a bigger man, now. 15. I took months, gently, to recognize who I truly am. I have a much better picture of who I am. The experience when you legitimately do not know whether you are going to live is unmatched. It has no parallels. My "advice" would be: 1. Focus on personal connections. Work towards deepening them. 2. Don't tolerate assholes. But don't judge them either. 3. Help people. 4. Focus on what you want rather than what is wanted of you. Invest time and effort in knowing yourself. 5. Lead a deep life.
Existenceblinks 5y ago
I really hate when people are talking about these, it's like a big FOMO of YOLO, and is often used for telling (sometimes selling) you what to do in indirect forcing way. Lots of people won't have chances or conditions that let them do what you tell them to do. There should be another way to encourage people to improve their quality of life without saying they will regret if they don't have chances.
- JKCalhoun 5y ago
  Regret works very well for me actually. FOMO is such a strange "word". I'm not quite sure why it has such a negative connotation. Fear of missing out on ... some 70's-band reunion concert? Yeah, that's vapid. Fear of missing out on ... a life worth having lived. For many of us that sort of is the point of life. No shame in trying to find out what that is.
  - Existenceblinks 5y ago
    Fear "word" is generally negative. Even more negative when someone else puts it on someone and makes them miserable .. "If I can do, you can do too" is more ok-ish (despite of slightly cliche) than "you should do this and that otherwise when you die you will die miserably)
dukeofdoom 5y ago
Work hard until you don't have to work hard. I was just watching yesterday a guy who is probably mid 50s talking about how he worked for 20 years getting up early in the morning and being stuck indoors looking at his screensaver and imaging he was in it. He was saving up for a catamaran and when he had enough money , he quit to sail the world with his younger girlfriend. Boomer dreams do come true. Sailing Joy was his channel.
- Tepix 5y ago
  Solid advice. Many (most?) people will not notice when they have reached the point where they no longer really have to work.
b3lvedere 5y ago
The universe does not owe you anything. You do not owe the universe anything. Of course some things/actions have consequences and of course some things just happen, but overall nothing cares about you except maybe yourself and some other living things that like you.
- gerbilly 5y ago
  > The universe does not owe you anything. You do not owe the universe anything. Being grateful for how we have been taken care of , by our parents, our teachers our friends, by the biosphere, and figuring out what we 'owe' them in return seem to me what life is really about.
Borrible 5y ago
What are the regrets of the newborn? Who gets a place in an Australian palliative station? What are the regrets of a dying San or Yanomami? Did those excptionally lucky people that died in that Australian palliative station all regret something? What were they proud of? Who were they? What did they wished for and when? What do they wish for after they're gone? Did they wished to do back then, what they regretted not to have done before they died? Where is the data and statistics, beside book sales? And I would also love to know who bought them.
deleted 5y ago
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every 5y ago
I'm old by any measure and yes, there were plenty of things that could have gone better and a few that are still cringe-worthy even after seven decades. But I'm not that person any more. I have experiences and insights that "me" hadn't earned yet, often the hard way. I'm glad this process continues to reveal and inform even this late in the game and would certainly "regret" if it ceased before I did...
deleted 5y ago
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AlexanderTheGr8 5y ago
Does regret on deathbed matter that much? We live 30000 days NOT on our deathbed, and 1 day on our deathbed. Even if that 1 day is horrible, as long as the 30000 days are good, it should be fine, right? Just because it's the last day doesn't make it more important than the other days.
- pboutros 5y ago
  Haha. Assuming this isn't sarcastic—I would assume that (1) sentiments on the last day are probably similar to many of the days before it, and (2) you should weight the wisdom of those days higher than days early in life, because they have more experience. If that was sarcastic... you got me.
  - AlexanderTheGr8 5y ago
    It was not sarcastic. I meant it. I believe that every day is equally valuable. Life is not an optimization problem, where we maximize happiness. I prefer to just let life flow in its natural waves, sometimes correcting course to achieve my goals.
    - balfirevic 5y ago
      Even if we wanted to maximise happiness in life, that's still very different from minimising ostensible regrets when dying.
- drno123 5y ago
  This is exactly my take on this (and I am family-oriented, religious guy). Majority of people will be “dying” between few weeks up to few monts, while they will be living 70-80 years. Shaping your 70 years of life so that you don’t feel (other people’s) regrets during your final few months seems stupid to me.
- npteljes 5y ago
  My theory is that these regrets eat you from the inside anyways. So the deathbed event is not a hallucination of sorts, but it happens because the dying lets go of their everyday worries and other such things, so their real motivations and inclinations crop up. And if they haven't acted on them, to a level that would be satisfying to them, then it leads to regret. As if they haven't lived their lives true to themselves. Which begs the question of the point of living too, of course. To which I have no clear answer.
MrPatan 5y ago
Maybe the only dying people with other people around who cared to listen to their regrets tend to have worked hard at sensible careers.
999900000999 5y ago
> 1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. I learned this in my 20s. My horrible family tired to back me into staying in LA. Realizing none of them actually cared about me, I just estranged myself and left. No one cares about you as much as you'll care about yourself. Do what ever you want, as long as your not breaking any laws, go for it. I phrase it that way since a shitty family member or partner will claim your "hurting" them emotionally when you don't do what they want. It's somewhat hard to cut people off, but it's ether that or live a shitty life dictated by others. > I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. This is somewhat hard when you move, but newsflash. Your friends will end up moving too, getting married, etc. All things which will make hanging out harder. As much as hate on Facebook here, messenger has been invaluable in this aspect. I still talk to people I met in highschool and college.
majani 5y ago
This type of research needs to be controlled for age. The body of an 80 year old person is materially different from that of a 20 year old and that might change their outlook on life drastically. An unbiased researcher would seek out the regrets of dying 10 year olds, 20 year olds, 30 year olds etc etc
calebm 5y ago
wisdom
james_burden 5y ago
My wife always wonders why I don't care about certain things around the house. I always tell her I know for an absolute fact that when I'm on my deathbed I will never wish I spent more time worrying about how green my grass is.
serverlessmom 5y ago
Funny story I read this in 2015 and in the following years I completely changed my life. I came out, changed my relationships, moved, switched jobs, totally altered the pattern of my sleep and work, started eating differently, going to the grocery store with 'candy' on the list. Every year since 2015 was the best year of my life so far. 2022 is shaping up to be an absolute delight.
y0ink 5y ago
This is relevant and well worth reading. Written by Kate Bowler, who at 35 was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, and given a slim chance of survival. One Thing I Don’t Plan to Do Before I Die Is Make a Bucket List https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/28/opinion/sunday/colon-cancer-bucket-list.html https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/28/opinion/sunday/colon-canc...

149 points by rzk 5y ago

mjfl 5y ago

These are average people right? They worked in like HR or accounting, maybe something more blue collar? Well no wonder they regretted working. I wonder what you would get asking people who worked for a higher purpose? Dying certainly sucks, as does aging.

shadowofneptune 5y ago
What would you regret then? These all seemed like things I could ask myself.
ivanhoe 5y ago
How do you define what a higher purpose is? Workaholics always think that they're doing something super important, no one would voluntarily invest there time into something they feel is utterly useless. What if one day they wake up with a realization that the purpose wasn't as "higher" as they've though it was? That they've missed other important stuff in their life? I've seen it happen to people around me...
- mjfl 5y ago
  Doing some kind of high impact medical research, exploring the cutting edge of science, political or intellectual revolutions, making a spaceship to Mars, etc... > hat if one day they wake up with a realization that the purpose wasn't as "higher" as they've though it was? Look if you are researching how to save lives, you are researching how to save lives..
  - bennyelv 5y ago
    Then when you're on your death bed you realise that ultimately it was all futile, because no matter what you did or how successful you could have been at it: every life ends up at the same point you are at now. The point is, I don't think it's as simple as that.
    - mjfl 5y ago
      I think that's incredibly cynical. It feels good to leave a mark on others lives.
      - npteljes 5y ago
        What I think is that you need to be mindful to decide while it's happening. It might be satisfyingly important, or it might be meaningless, just very desirable. Really no objective way to measure it. Maybe someone helped a ton of people but let down those close to them, and they end up with regret.
  - saiya-jin 5y ago
    I guess you don't have real field experience - its a super frustrating job. 10 years of efforts end up in bureaucratic quagmire, rewriting same stupid article/publication 10x. You may find out you spent all thaat time in direction which doesn't work. No, its often a properly shitty job, unfortunately. People in such field often, very explicitly, express to me how they regret going into it and how easy life I have it with my office job with tons of time for hobbies. No life, just locked in the labs. These are not anymore the days of Pasteur or Marie-Curie where fame comes to hard workers. You want rewarding job? Doctors. Teachers. But ask them and few are happy with the job. I'd say its a mindset thing - either you can be happy with little, or not and then its hard to not die with regrets. Personally, I've set my life and did all major decisions with primary aspect of 'not having regrets when dying'. It may or may not ultimately bring the result desired but it gives a clear, good direction in life which is enough for me.
    - mjfl 5y ago
      > I guess you don't have real field experience You are mindbogglingly overconfident in your opinion and experience relative to my own.
  - elteto 5y ago
    The irony here is that in order to do any of the above things and to do them to the extent that you have a large impact on the world you have to sacrifice many, many other things in your life. You can't be a dedicated parent and slave away 80+ hours/week in a lab doing research. The day has 24 hours for everybody and you can't be world class with a 9-5pm.
- danrocks 5y ago
  > How do you define what a higher purpose is? Judging by my conversations with Silicon Valley hiring managers these days: selling more ads.
germinalphrase 5y ago
I’m a teacher. In very clear and obvious ways, my works “matters”, and I have the privilege of living my values every day. Paradoxically, I am increasingly sad and angry (which is not my natural disposition) about my work and very well may be on the path to burning out. My wife and I are actively planning what will happen if I don’t return to teaching next year. What’s our runway? What will I do? (UX? PM? Sales? …?). Would it be possible to find a position where I can work 20-30 hours per week and be more present for our young son? Or - should I try to maximize income to make up for years of never making more than 45k? I have strong emotions about all of this, but having a higher purpose is only so sustaining.

Ariarule 5y ago

Robin Hanson expressed some doubts about this list back in 2010: https://www.overcomingbias.com/2010/11/deathbed-regret-is-far.html https://www.overcomingbias.com/2010/11/deathbed-regret-is-fa...

coldtea 5y ago
I don't find his arguments any good. Basically "my wife is also a nurse and she haven't heard many" and "they're no good anyway". > Ms. Ware said regrets are expressed “when questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently”; my wife isn’t thrilled about this as a care technique. Or: > Deathbed folks are usually far from their analytical peak – they are often in great pain, and rather muddle-headed. So why would we think their comments especially insightful? It also gets comically reductionistic: > Added 9a: Stephen Smith suggests these regrets are the predictable result of opiate pain medication. But I think it's more about the author trying to force his opinion, when it's not really needed, insightful, or that useful.
- steve_g 5y ago
  I think "my wife is a hospice worker who has provided care to over 5000 patients and hasn't heard these regrets" is a pretty decent argument. I'm not saying Hanson is right, but I wouldn't dismiss his wife's experience.
  - coldtea 5y ago
    >is a pretty decent argument Well, did she fish for them? The author states that she disagrees about asking such things, so isn't the answer no? (And, beyond asking: is she the type people would trust with such things, or e.g. does she come of as more cold, etc? There can be many factors).
  - StopTheWorld 5y ago
    I am not a hospice worker, but I have heard more than one old person say #2 and #4 - that they were busy working and did not get to see their kids growing up as much as they wanted, and they wish they had not lost touch with old, good friends. Not sure why she did not hear this from the thousands of older people she worked with in hospice care, I have certainly heard it.

amerine 5y ago

I don’t necessarily trust the provenance of the regrets, but I do find that the regrets listed do invoke some thought about my life and the future, and so I appreciate it!

dang 5y ago

Related: The Top of My Todo List (2012) - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28238124 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=28238124 - Aug 2021 (18 comments) Top five regrets of the dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9689907 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=9689907 - June 2015 (5 comments) The Top Of My Todo List - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3872613 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3872613 - April 2012 (185 comments) Regrets of the Dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3646379 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3646379 - Feb 2012 (4 comments) Top five regrets of the dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3542280 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3542280 - Feb 2012 (1 comment) Top Five Regrets of the Dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3331535 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3331535 - Dec 2011 (1 comment) Top 5 Regrets People Make on their Deathbed - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2615886 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2615886 - June 2011 (51 comments) Regrets of the Dying - https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1643239 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1643239 - Aug 2010 (90 comments)

WheelsAtLarge 5y ago

People should note that having dreams without figuring out how to get them accomplished is a sure way to have regrets. We are told that we should chase our dreams with the idea that if we wish hard enough they will come true - popular entertainment re-enforces it. I think that's why there are so many people that buy lottery tickets hoping their dreams will come true once they have the instant money of a win. But the reality is that only a few people will win the lottery. It's by design. The lottery is built with the idea that only a tiny percent will ever get the big money. This seems like it's obvious but a large number of people just believe that dreams come true by luck. So keep in mind that most dreams are achievable you just have to work towards them by setting up a life plan. -Define dream -Set up a plan to the goal/dream -execute plan until achieved - but review on a set time table to make sure you are heading in the right direction. Start, life really is short.

sgt101 5y ago
I buy lottery tickets because it's fun (for me) to pretend that I will win. It's playing as in "lets pretend" and "dressing up". I know that it's 1:14,000,000 against and I know how big a 1,000,000 is. Dreaming in the longer run is good, and goals can provide meaning and structure in what is essentially a meaningless and chaotic world. Living in the moment is also good, playing is good.
- saiya-jin 5y ago
  Sure, but you can also direct all that time, money and energy towards something much more rewarding, with real and very probable chances of succeeding, instead of string of little failures to win for rest of your life. For example I have a long term dream of being self-sufficient paraglider, Icarus dream and all that. I live in a country where its hard to have full course (2 weeks minimum) unless you speak fluent french, which I don't yet. I have 2 tiny little small kids. I have had some recent injuries which delay/block similar efforts. But I didn't give up, waited patiently till suddenly I had a window for the course. Did it, and now looking for spring to continue the momentum, whenever family situation allows it. Some other activities would be much easier (and cheaper) to get into. But somehow I knew and felt that this will be very rewarding for me, combining hiking up and flying down the mountains. I don't call them dreams - those are rather impossible situations like me free floating on ISS looking a dark space around Earth, stars, moon and milky way. Or winning lottery. Goals is much better term for me, there are clear actionable steps to get there. Compared to this dream, paragliding is peanuts to achieve.

aaron695 5y ago

rdiddly 5y ago

These are good but it's important to keep it in perspective. You might not need to optimize every day between now and then for what you think you're going to regret then. People who aren't dying have different needs, like paying rent next month.

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ReaLNero 5y ago

> I wish that I had let myself be happier. I see this as a call to mindfulness. A lot of adult life is spent sacrificing the current self for the benefit of the future self. For a lot of everyday activities like brushing teeth or walking to work we never really think about it, we just use it to think about what's going to happen later on. Sorry for being wishy-washy, but we have to confront that we are living right now, and we ought to enjoy what we are doing right now! Not in the sense that we should live like there's no tomorrow -- but that we should enjoy the today we are getting.

mlatu 5y ago
> enjoy the today we are getting. insert spongebob meme where he points out all the hidden diapers have you watched the news lately?
- ryeights 5y ago
  First step: stop watching the news! It’s designed to make you stressed and angry and unhappy.
  - wizzwizz4 5y ago
    Most of the time, yeah. But sometimes there are legitimate reasons to be stressed and angry and unhappy. Stop watching the news, and maybe when you should be angry, you won't be too exhausted to do something with that anger. Anger without action is wasted emotion.
- ReaLNero 5y ago
  Realistically, there is not much impact us little humans can have. The options are to donate to humanitarian organizations working there, vote for a government that's going to intervene, or volunteer as a soldier. I'm not eligible to vote, I would never be a capable soldier, but I did donate. The idea is that even if terrible things are happening, and you are anxious for what's next, you have to look in front of you, and see what you can do different right now. To a large extent this conflict is outside our hands, and we should prepare accordingly. My plea to you is to please donate to the red cross in Ukraine :)

bmitc 5y ago

Mortality is something I have been greatly struggling with lately, and I am neither sick nor old. But it's just tough to grapple with. By all accounts, life and this universe makes no damn sense, and for the most part, attempts to understand it are futile. We carve out little things that are interesting, but that's about it. And all that is ignoring the fatal flaws of humanity. What's interesting is that I already share most of these regrets, and I am not dying, at least in the traditional sense since we are all dying. I think for the most part, all one can do in life is to just do. Be yourself but stop worrying about what yourself is. Treat any done project, not matter how small, as a good project. Look for little successes like that. And the older I get, the more I realize that relationships matter.

randomsearch 5y ago
Life only has meaning when viewed through the collective: our purpose is to help others, make great things and self actualise (learn, develop). Life isn’t about me or you, it’s about us. Make plans that go beyond your lifetime - with the intention of “handing off” to a suitable person, or at least leaving a description of what you’d like to see next so that someone else can pick that up. There are so many problems to solve, ideas to explore, others to help, people to inspire. The really difficulty lies in choosing one thing to work on at a time.
- kgwgk 5y ago
  > Make plans that go beyond your lifetime If you cannot find a meaning in one lifetime, adding a finite number of (other people’s) lifetimes will still be meaningless. (It can make the ending of your own less relevant but I’d say that’s a different issue.)
  - randomsearch 5y ago
    No, it won’t still be meaningless; it is not a different issue, and that’s exactly the point. I think grasping this is a fundamental step towards escaping a very egocentric view of life.

Simon_O_Rourke 5y ago

"I wish I had watched more TV"

dmichulke 5y ago
"Regrets you'll never hear" top spot I'll add "I wish I argued more with strangers on the internet"
- JKCalhoun 5y ago
  "I wish I had consumed more politics."
- npteljes 5y ago
  The usual is "I wish I worked more".

ivanhoe 5y ago

The million dollars question here is, if they had a chance to go back and do things differently, would that make them have no regrets on their dying bed, or they'd just end up with a different set of regrets?

sgt101 5y ago
My grandfathers dying regrets (expressed to me) were that he had bought the wrong sort of kitchen units. I guess that there are always going to be regrets.
- deleted 5y ago
  [deleted]
- hcks 5y ago
  Peak boomer aesthetic (no value judgement)
- Tepix 5y ago
  Isn't it a great sign of a happy fulfilled life if something so minor is his dying regret?
- JKCalhoun 5y ago
  I feel like your grandfather had a wicked sense of humor.
- calebm 5y ago
  It sounds like your grandfather lived very well.
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throwaway5486nv 5y ago
Asked the right question. We don't know what choices would have lead to global optimal point even at the end of life. It is possible there are multiple global optimal points. At least this serves as a motivation for anti aging.

danielovichdk 5y ago

I have seen this article many times over the years. And I do believe it's a fine piece but also that it would great to see what people said coming from different cultures. And at the same time it would be great to read about what had made people happy in life.

hestefisk 5y ago

The point about regretting not spending more time with family makes me really sad. Slaving away in a high pressure cooperate job is a sure way to miss out on what’s really important.

nemo44x 5y ago
Especially when you consider how little you’ll see them once they move out. 90% of the time you’ll spend with your kids will happen before they are 18.
- hestefisk 5y ago
  Fuel on the fire, life is painful and unfair. :(
- JKCalhoun 5y ago
  I'll make it worse: actually before they start middle school (junior high). When mine were young, I read to them every night before bed and they seemed to really enjoy it. We worked through, believe it or not, The Lord of the Rings, Uncle Remus stories, the Harry Potter series, The Hobbit, most of the Andrew Lang Fairie books, etc. But once they got past age 12, school got "real", smart phones landed in their hands and fairyland faded away.
JKCalhoun 5y ago
The timing is horrible, ins't it? I decided to try and leverage my life as a corporate cog and retire as early as I thought I could (age 57), but it is too late with regard to raising my daughters. They've all flown the nest. I did try the best I could to give them, I think, more than my parent(s) gave me when I was growing up.
- oldstrangers 5y ago
  You've got the best years still available with your daughters now though. Plan trips with them, plan experiences. I'm 37 and I go and visit my aging parents as much as I can, adding up that collective time together. My dad is 76, I wish he was 57. I'd ask him to go camping or on a road trip. I should still do that now probably, it's just hard to shake the realities of aging.

jmathai 5y ago

The framework I use to make important life decisions is a simple one. On my deathbed, which choice will I wish that I would have made? Surprisingly, it's almost always the one which feels uncomfortable and with the most unknowns. It turns out, anecdotally, that it's not that uncomfortable and you can learn things pretty easily.

JKCalhoun 5y ago
Vague: I think you're going to need at least one example.
- jmathai 5y ago
  My wife and I would like to move to another city. We have a 9 and 11 year old that we would be pulling out of their current school. Making the move is daunting because we worry our kids will struggle to make new friends and we don't know that we'll love the area like we think we might (plus, we don't dislike our current city). The safe thing to do is to stay put. There's little risk and we know what to expect. But I believe that we will have wished we would have made the move when looking back 20 years from now.

throwaway_981 5y ago

Let me share what I thought when I knew that I could legitimately die. I was 21. Save some extra fat on my tummy and a very common kind of infection in my nose, I was very fit and healthy. I was struck by a very rare disease and the doctor asked my family for 72 hours before he could tell whether or not I will live. I spent much of the time under painkillers, intubated, and some tranquilizers. But I did not lose my mind. I was perfectly sane. I realized and decided some things. The experience also bought many changes in me. 1. Scores, test, class rank are worth shit. Abandoning group activities and going to places that I would enjoy for preparing better for tests was a huge mistake. I made a decision that I would never do that for stuff meaningless for me. 2. There is no need to tolerate people's drama. You don't owe anyone shit. 3. Connections with people matter. The people you care about, you should invest time and effort to make those connections deeper. On the other hand, no need to tolerate people just for the sake societal reasons. Just cut people off who make you unhappy and does not contribute positively to your life. 4. Pets rock. For me, pet means dog. I decided to keep at least one dog whenever it would be logistically possible. I have kept the promise I made to myself. 5. A deep life is a good life. I wanted to be deeply knowledgeable and good in things rather than hopping among many. 6. Helping people is one of the best feelings. I keep doing that. 7. Being nice to people is another. I always was more empathetic than others, less judgemental. But my experience with death has made me more so. 8. I was big on rationality and I remain the same. But I have learned that going beyond logic is essential for one's growth as a human being. (This is the opposite of faith and ignoring logic). I was and remained an athiest. But I started to look into lives of people that I could love and feel devotion towards. The two people were Buddha and Sri Chaitanya. I continue discussing them, studying them, and knowing more about them. Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem, Turing's Halting problem has helped push me in this direction. Note that I am still an uber-skeptic and don't believe in religions or spirit or god or ghosts or whatever. 9. I started deeply focusing on what I want. The proverbial "people" can go do themselves. 10. The cause of disease is still undiagnosed. There is not enough research. I still learned to value my health. 11. I don't know why, but my experience has made me calmer. I take decisions more promptly, and in a well-thought out manner. 12. My sense of gratitude have increased five-fold. I understand and acknowledge my good fortunes. I complain much less. 13. I put more value on gaining physical, sensational pleasures. I used to feel guilty, but I don't anymore. 14. My capacity to love has increased. I am a bigger man, now. 15. I took months, gently, to recognize who I truly am. I have a much better picture of who I am. The experience when you legitimately do not know whether you are going to live is unmatched. It has no parallels. My "advice" would be: 1. Focus on personal connections. Work towards deepening them. 2. Don't tolerate assholes. But don't judge them either. 3. Help people. 4. Focus on what you want rather than what is wanted of you. Invest time and effort in knowing yourself. 5. Lead a deep life.

Existenceblinks 5y ago

I really hate when people are talking about these, it's like a big FOMO of YOLO, and is often used for telling (sometimes selling) you what to do in indirect forcing way. Lots of people won't have chances or conditions that let them do what you tell them to do. There should be another way to encourage people to improve their quality of life without saying they will regret if they don't have chances.

JKCalhoun 5y ago
Regret works very well for me actually. FOMO is such a strange "word". I'm not quite sure why it has such a negative connotation. Fear of missing out on ... some 70's-band reunion concert? Yeah, that's vapid. Fear of missing out on ... a life worth having lived. For many of us that sort of is the point of life. No shame in trying to find out what that is.
- Existenceblinks 5y ago
  Fear "word" is generally negative. Even more negative when someone else puts it on someone and makes them miserable .. "If I can do, you can do too" is more ok-ish (despite of slightly cliche) than "you should do this and that otherwise when you die you will die miserably)

dukeofdoom 5y ago

Work hard until you don't have to work hard. I was just watching yesterday a guy who is probably mid 50s talking about how he worked for 20 years getting up early in the morning and being stuck indoors looking at his screensaver and imaging he was in it. He was saving up for a catamaran and when he had enough money , he quit to sail the world with his younger girlfriend. Boomer dreams do come true. Sailing Joy was his channel.

Tepix 5y ago
Solid advice. Many (most?) people will not notice when they have reached the point where they no longer really have to work.

b3lvedere 5y ago

The universe does not owe you anything. You do not owe the universe anything. Of course some things/actions have consequences and of course some things just happen, but overall nothing cares about you except maybe yourself and some other living things that like you.

gerbilly 5y ago
> The universe does not owe you anything. You do not owe the universe anything. Being grateful for how we have been taken care of , by our parents, our teachers our friends, by the biosphere, and figuring out what we 'owe' them in return seem to me what life is really about.

Borrible 5y ago

What are the regrets of the newborn? Who gets a place in an Australian palliative station? What are the regrets of a dying San or Yanomami? Did those excptionally lucky people that died in that Australian palliative station all regret something? What were they proud of? Who were they? What did they wished for and when? What do they wish for after they're gone? Did they wished to do back then, what they regretted not to have done before they died? Where is the data and statistics, beside book sales? And I would also love to know who bought them.

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every 5y ago

I'm old by any measure and yes, there were plenty of things that could have gone better and a few that are still cringe-worthy even after seven decades. But I'm not that person any more. I have experiences and insights that "me" hadn't earned yet, often the hard way. I'm glad this process continues to reveal and inform even this late in the game and would certainly "regret" if it ceased before I did...

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AlexanderTheGr8 5y ago

Does regret on deathbed matter that much? We live 30000 days NOT on our deathbed, and 1 day on our deathbed. Even if that 1 day is horrible, as long as the 30000 days are good, it should be fine, right? Just because it's the last day doesn't make it more important than the other days.

pboutros 5y ago
Haha. Assuming this isn't sarcastic—I would assume that (1) sentiments on the last day are probably similar to many of the days before it, and (2) you should weight the wisdom of those days higher than days early in life, because they have more experience. If that was sarcastic... you got me.
- AlexanderTheGr8 5y ago
  It was not sarcastic. I meant it. I believe that every day is equally valuable. Life is not an optimization problem, where we maximize happiness. I prefer to just let life flow in its natural waves, sometimes correcting course to achieve my goals.
  - balfirevic 5y ago
    Even if we wanted to maximise happiness in life, that's still very different from minimising ostensible regrets when dying.
drno123 5y ago
This is exactly my take on this (and I am family-oriented, religious guy). Majority of people will be “dying” between few weeks up to few monts, while they will be living 70-80 years. Shaping your 70 years of life so that you don’t feel (other people’s) regrets during your final few months seems stupid to me.
npteljes 5y ago
My theory is that these regrets eat you from the inside anyways. So the deathbed event is not a hallucination of sorts, but it happens because the dying lets go of their everyday worries and other such things, so their real motivations and inclinations crop up. And if they haven't acted on them, to a level that would be satisfying to them, then it leads to regret. As if they haven't lived their lives true to themselves. Which begs the question of the point of living too, of course. To which I have no clear answer.

MrPatan 5y ago

Maybe the only dying people with other people around who cared to listen to their regrets tend to have worked hard at sensible careers.

999900000999 5y ago

> 1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. I learned this in my 20s. My horrible family tired to back me into staying in LA. Realizing none of them actually cared about me, I just estranged myself and left. No one cares about you as much as you'll care about yourself. Do what ever you want, as long as your not breaking any laws, go for it. I phrase it that way since a shitty family member or partner will claim your "hurting" them emotionally when you don't do what they want. It's somewhat hard to cut people off, but it's ether that or live a shitty life dictated by others. > I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. This is somewhat hard when you move, but newsflash. Your friends will end up moving too, getting married, etc. All things which will make hanging out harder. As much as hate on Facebook here, messenger has been invaluable in this aspect. I still talk to people I met in highschool and college.

majani 5y ago

This type of research needs to be controlled for age. The body of an 80 year old person is materially different from that of a 20 year old and that might change their outlook on life drastically. An unbiased researcher would seek out the regrets of dying 10 year olds, 20 year olds, 30 year olds etc etc

calebm 5y ago

wisdom

james_burden 5y ago

My wife always wonders why I don't care about certain things around the house. I always tell her I know for an absolute fact that when I'm on my deathbed I will never wish I spent more time worrying about how green my grass is.

serverlessmom 5y ago

Funny story I read this in 2015 and in the following years I completely changed my life. I came out, changed my relationships, moved, switched jobs, totally altered the pattern of my sleep and work, started eating differently, going to the grocery store with 'candy' on the list. Every year since 2015 was the best year of my life so far. 2022 is shaping up to be an absolute delight.

y0ink 5y ago

This is relevant and well worth reading. Written by Kate Bowler, who at 35 was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer, and given a slim chance of survival. One Thing I Don’t Plan to Do Before I Die Is Make a Bucket List https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/28/opinion/sunday/colon-cancer-bucket-list.html https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/28/opinion/sunday/colon-canc...