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One large tip, one small tip: 1) Talk therapy can also just be "social interaction tutoring". 10/10 would recommend 2) "There aren't any docs" is accusatory a

One large tip, one small tip: 1) Talk therapy can also just be "social interaction tutoring". 10/10 would recommend 2) "There aren't any docs" is accusatory and aggressive because it's about them / their work. "I couldn't find the docs" isn't, because it's about yourself. (Edit) "“Where can I find documentation for [this thing you’re doing]?” (thanks @ rattlesnakedave!) then goes the next step by actively inviting assistance. 2a) Tone definitely matters / helps, but that's a lot harder to coach / communicate over text.

justin_oaks 5y ago
I appreciate that on point 2 you add the question "Can you help?" I find it upsetting when people make a statement and you have to infer that it's a request for help. I had a boss who would often send Slack messages stating something like "[Coworker] is on vacation today" or "The release is out" or "Our sales are down today". It was always some statement with no reason for me to think that he wants me to do something. Of course, I assumed he wanted me to do something or else he wouldn't have contacted me. Then I had to dig out of him what he expected of me. For everyone reading this: If you want help, please make an explicit request and make it as specific as possible. It may interest you to scroll through your chat logs with other people to see how much you or other people do what my old boss did (i.e. make a statement and expect someone to know what you want done). I just review the logs with my current boss and was pleased to see none of my previous boss's behavior from me or him. I did, however see that kind of behavior from one of my coworkers.
- Remnant44 5y ago
  I hadn't considered that perspective but it is brilliant. Making requests explicit rather than veiled by an invisible contract is a good practice at work and in basically any kind of human relationship. "The trash is full" vs "will you take out the trash for me?" Is a world of difference.
  - BLKNSLVR 5y ago
    Following on in a similar vein, the usage of "soft" wording can result in the same kind of misunderstanding, and this is something I'm working on improving myself. "Should", "Might", "Potentially". Just fucking say what you think instead of mincing words (my advice to myself).
ankit219 5y ago
Hey, thanks for the tips. I realize the different ways to communicate also plays a role. Somehow, I did not make that distinction as in my mind, there were very similar. Thank you for laying it out like that. (and also thanks to the child comment, which makes it explicit about asking for help, so as to remove any confusion. That is something I will apply immediately)

justin_oaks 5y ago

I appreciate that on point 2 you add the question "Can you help?" I find it upsetting when people make a statement and you have to infer that it's a request for help. I had a boss who would often send Slack messages stating something like "[Coworker] is on vacation today" or "The release is out" or "Our sales are down today". It was always some statement with no reason for me to think that he wants me to do something. Of course, I assumed he wanted me to do something or else he wouldn't have contacted me. Then I had to dig out of him what he expected of me. For everyone reading this: If you want help, please make an explicit request and make it as specific as possible. It may interest you to scroll through your chat logs with other people to see how much you or other people do what my old boss did (i.e. make a statement and expect someone to know what you want done). I just review the logs with my current boss and was pleased to see none of my previous boss's behavior from me or him. I did, however see that kind of behavior from one of my coworkers.

Remnant44 5y ago
I hadn't considered that perspective but it is brilliant. Making requests explicit rather than veiled by an invisible contract is a good practice at work and in basically any kind of human relationship. "The trash is full" vs "will you take out the trash for me?" Is a world of difference.
- BLKNSLVR 5y ago
  Following on in a similar vein, the usage of "soft" wording can result in the same kind of misunderstanding, and this is something I'm working on improving myself. "Should", "Might", "Potentially". Just fucking say what you think instead of mincing words (my advice to myself).

ankit219 5y ago

Hey, thanks for the tips. I realize the different ways to communicate also plays a role. Somehow, I did not make that distinction as in my mind, there were very similar. Thank you for laying it out like that. (and also thanks to the child comment, which makes it explicit about asking for help, so as to remove any confusion. That is something I will apply immediately)